Birthday Boy

January 15, 2008 was one of the best days of my life. A second son. Another precious miracle. One year later, I look back and remember all the details of that amazing day...However, today I am not able to celebrate in the way that I had hoped. There's no cake, no party, no candles, and no one year old little boy in the middle of it all. For this, my heart grieves so strongly today. But I also know that heaven is having the most beautiful celebration for Nash - I don't know that there are any cakes or candles, but if there are they are grander and more amazing than anything we could ever create here on earth. I do know that he is being wrapped up in the arms of God and his great grandparents. I do know that he is crawling around among his many friends, the other little ones that left this earth much too soon. And I do know that he will feel the love that is being sent his way from so many people whose lives he has touched.

Today is also a day for celebration here on earth. Granted, not the kind of celebration that we had dreamed of, but celebration nonetheless. A day to remember Nash as a son, a brother, a grandson, a friend. A day to look at his sweet face and be thankful that he was here - even if only for a brief time. I believe wholeheartedly that Brad and I are lucky people to have been chosen to be his parents. We are planning on lighting a candle at church this morning, bringing flowers to the bench, and letting some balloons go this afternoon with Tate.

As a special way to celebrate Nash's first birthday with friends and family, a great friend of mine, Jennifer Feagin, created a beautiful slide show that is attached at the bottom of this post. God has blessed us with the amazing support and love of so many people. Thank you, Jen for being one of them.

We invite you all to join us in remembering Nash today. Enjoy the slide show.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

(Once the link comes up, you may need to click the "View Larger" button on the bottom right.)

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=7cd5f51a12d7082d5c98b5&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

A Special Day

Back in July, we were overwhelmed by family members and friends that donated money to us in Nash's name. Some designated the money to be used towards Tate's college fund, while others gave it to us to help out with expenses. We used some of the money for Nash's grave in Storm Lake, Iowa. However, we also wanted a place where we could "visit" him down here in Texas. That's when we decided we would get a memorial bench made in his memory. Since I am a teacher, we thought that putting it outside of my school would be the perfect place. And after months of planning and preparation, the bench was installed this morning outside the front doors of Brinker Elementary School in Plano, Texas.
It looks absolutely perfect and is exactly what we wanted. And now his name is there for all to see. I am so thankful to my principal for allowing us to do this. The staff at Brinker has been amazing every step of the way and have truly shown an interest in this bench. I am proud to say I work with the most supportive and understanding people on the planet. And I couldn't be happier to share this little piece of Nash with all of them. Thank you, thank you.

As I was taking pictures of the finished product, I couldn't help but get that sinking feeling in my stomach. It kind of hit me again how real this is. I wish there didn't have to be a bench. I wish that five years from now, it was Nash that was sitting outside Brinker by the flagpole, not some bench. But that's not an option, so this will have to do. And I'll take it.

Take care and love to y'all,
Tracy

The Joy of Boys

Two peas in a pod. Cooking breakfast together - check out the sweet robe Tate's wearing.
The best game EVER - whipping each other with kitchen towels!
That barber sure looks familiar...Moms, lock up your daughters...nothing beats a buzzed head, a bare chest, and a sucker.

Breakfast of Champions (Mickey Mouse pancakes and sausage).

A cookie from Grandma!

A funny story...

Last night, Tate was running around naked before bathtime. After awhile he stood, holding the edge of a small table next to the couch. He put his head down between his arms and ran in place, moving his feet really fast. He was cracking himself up and kept doing this for a couple of minutes. Finally, he looked up at Brad and I and said, "My peepee is dancing!" He was thrilled...

Thank God for little boys.

Tracy

How Was Your Christmas?

How in the world do I answer that question??? First and foremost, we are safely back at home after our trip to Iowa. We left on the 19th and got back last night. I feel like I have so much to catch y'all up on, so please forgive me for the hodgepodge nature of this post...

I can't write this without acknowledging the weather that we confronted soon after crossing into the midwest. Did I mention that we drove??? Yep! Twelve and half hours after leaving sunny, warm, 70 degree Dallas, we stepped out of the car into two feet of snow and 30 degrees BELOW freezing in good ole Storm Lake, Iowa!

As cold as it was, Tate sure didn't seem to mind too much... He eagerly went outside to play with his Grandma Sievers - she pulled him on a little sled in the driveway (Tate yelling, "No hills Grandma!) and dug out a little snow tunnel for him to sit in (Tate yelling, "Tate too big for that tunnel"). Then on Christmas Day, when the weather was warm (like 15 degrees), Tate went out on the frozen lake with the big boys. I know, I know... us city folks were always taught to stay off large bodies of frozen water...unless we were iceskating in the mall, right? I was a nervous wreck, but my in-laws live on the lake and assured me that it was safe - they said the ice was at least a foot thick. Anyway, Tate surprised us all when he went on an inner tube with Brad and got pulled around by the four-wheeler. Then he took a turn and helped his Uncle Steven drive the four-wheeler. He had a blast and I'm so glad he was able to do something new!

We got to spend so much time with Brad's family - which is HUGE! I think we had like 25 people with his dad's side on Christmas Eve and 20 with his mom's on Christmas Day. Then we had the "big" Sievers Christmas with his dad's cousins and their families, which was well over 50 people! It's so much fun to see everyone and catch up.

The picture below is of Tate getting more presents from Santa when he came to the "big" Sievers Christmas. It's such a cute tradition and Tate was so happy to sit with Santa. In fact, as the other kids went up to his lap, Tate stood right there, as close as he could get...probably trying to see if Santa had anything more to give him!


Before Christmas, every time someone asked Tate what he wanted Santa to bring him, he would say, "football." Our house is loaded with footballs, but for some reason, this is what he had his little heart set on. Well, he quickly got the hang of opening his presents (and ours). And to everything he opened, he would announce, "I want to play with that." But the best reaction, by far, was when he got his much-desired football...He couldn't get it out of the box fast enough and then stood there holding it up, for all to see. He was so proud and even now, if you ask what he got for Christmas, the first thing out of this mouth is, of course, "football."

This is Great Grandpa Sievers with his grandkids, some spouses, and two great grandsons... Now this is where things get hard...I wanted to write that this is a picture of Great Grandpa Sievers with all his grandkids, but that isn't right. It will never be right because someone will always be missing. I do have to say that even though I know that no one intended it to be hurtful, it was difficult to hear people say things like, "I'm so thankful we're all here this year." Because we weren't all there. There was someone so important that was missing.
Tate had SO MUCH FUN with his cousin, Cade. Sadly, they don't get to see each other much because Brad's sister Jill and husband Eric, live outside Kansas City. But every time we get together, the boys have the best time! It's so much fun to watch. However, I have to say that it was very bittersweet to see these two becoming such good buddies, when there should be a third little boy, stuggling to keep up with them. How sweet would this picture be with one more little one sitting next to them?


Ready to rock??? This was Cade's favorite thing to say and he taught Tate how to get his groove on! Check out their matching jammies! Thanks Uncle Steven and Aunt Emily!

Tate has been playing with his new toys nonstop, including this one in the video below. We call it his "ABC Computer." Maybe now he won't want to bang on the real computer so much...wishful thinking, I know!

I love Christmas!!!

The car ride home.
Motorcycle book? Check.
Backwards hat? Check.
Purple mustache? Check.
Blankie? Check.
Ahhh.....

The trip proved to be quite the roller coaster ride. It was FULL of so many wonderful moments, that will become treasured memories, I'm sure. While on the other hand, there were times that were so painful and raw, it hurts to even think of them, and yet I have no doubt that they, too, will remain with me forever.

When we got to town at 10:00 the first night, we stopped at the cemetery before we went to the house. Tate was asleep and we felt we had to stop by to see Nash. I cannot tell you how hard it was to see his little spot covered in thick, cold snow. I knew that this would bother me and I tried my best to prepare myself for it, but it was still so hard. I know that my little boy isn't really there, in his tiny white casket, under the mounds of snow. I know that he is safe and warm and happy in heaven, but my heart literally hurt to see it.

We went out to "see" him many times during our vist. One night, we got stuck in the snow right at the entrance to the cemetery and each took a turn and walked out to talk to him. I was just bawling as I trudged to his little marker, thinking, "Who does this? Who has to go out in below freezing temperatures, through two feet of snow, in the dark to their child's grave?" I just couldn't believe that this was my life. This is how I live and this is how it will be until I'm reunited with him again. I know that other parents are in the same situation, but it's still such a lonely feeling.

On the 23rd, Brad and I went to pick out Nash's grave. I had been dreading this for almost six months. God, however, was with us that day, in that it went so smoothly and is exactly what we wanted. I truly believe He held us up as we made decisions and picked things out to make it just right. We wanted it to be perfect and I believe that it will be. The granite we chose has to come from China, so it will not be in until June, but we were promised that it will be there by the anniversary of his death on July 1st.

In the meantime, the little marker from the funeral home is still there, along with some decorations. By the time we were leaving to come home, the snow was beginning to melt and we could even see the grass. Here's how it looked when we left.

As you can imagine, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very difficult. The church we went to on Christmas Eve was the same one where we had Nash's funeral on July 5th. We hadn't been there since. Pulling up to walk in the doors, I was hit with the image of standing there six months earlier as Nash was carried into the hearse by his three uncles and Brad's cousin.

Once inside, I was drawn to the spot where Nash's casket was before the funeral, while it was still open. It was the last place that I saw my little boy...His little baseball onesie, binky in his hand, tiny socks, striped blanket around him, a family picture by his head, and my mom's rosary hanging over the edge. He looked so beautiful, so perfect. This time, when I went to that same spot, there was a Nativity Scene there. It was really big and also very beautiful. I had so much peace knowing that Baby Jesus was laying right where Nash had been.

The service was sweet as ever - it was the Children's Service and lots of Brad's extended family took part in it. Their little voices are always so pure and innocent. Like years past, the service concluded with the dimming of the lights, as the children played Silent Night with bells and the congregation held candles... "...Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace."

Everyone began to file out of the pews, but I just sat there, clinging to Brad, as I sobbed and sobbed for my son. My heart literally hurt as I tried to catch my breath. But it just all came out right there and then. Tears for the things Nash is missing out on, for the things Tate is missing out on, for the things Brad and I are missing out on; tears for the things I didn't get tell him, for the guilt over not being there with him when he died; tears for the memories of that horrible day; tears for the days in front of me, living without my baby. So many tears.

More tears were shed while opening presents, when I received the best present I have ever gotten. There wasn't a dry eye in the room when my mother-in-law gave me the quilt she had been working on. I had given her nine of Nash's onesies back in the fall and asked her to make one, not really knowing what to expect. Well the finished product surpassed even the best I could have imagined. It is absolutely beautiful. My favorite part is the onesie on the bottom left - it says "handsome" on it and has a tiny stain around the neck.

I know that making the quilt wasn't easy for Judy. But each stitch was sewn with unconditional love and I feel so close to Nash when I wrap myself in it. I am so thankful for her willingness to do this for me.

So, how was my Christmas? Wonderful, heartwrenching, beautiful, horrible, hopeful, memorable, cold, fun, relaxing... I'm not sure what the answer is. But I do know that we got through it. And by the grace of God, we will continue to get through the most difficult days and we will be thankful for all the moments of peace we are given by Him.

I hope that your Christmas was full of many more ups than downs. Take care.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

How Long is a Lifetime?

My Dear Nash...
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Your dimply knees, your sweet scent, the sound of your coos through the monitor. Everything. I miss everything. I often wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you; or if you can see me as I blow you good night kisses. Do you watch your big brother as he plays outside? Do you see Daddy and I linger over your pictures as we walk by? Sweet boy, please know how much we adore you. Although we hurt from the pain of you not being here with us, we are comforted by the love and joy that you brought into our lives. We are so thankful to be your parents. I am so blessed to be your mommy. I love you, Nash. Today, tomorrow, and always.
Love,
Mommy

January 15, 2008 2:13pm - July 1, 2008 5:37pm

Five months, sixteen days, three hours, and twenty-four minutes...

Today is a day I have been dreading for a long time now. In less than two hours, at 9:02pm tonight, Nash will have been in heaven longer than he was here on Earth. I just cannot believe this day has come.

So how long is a lifetime? I think it depends how you look at it... On my most difficult days, I have trouble getting past all the things I feel that Nash missed out on. To us on Earth, life appears to revolve around all that we accomplish...learning to walk or talk or play baseball or go to school or fall in love or have children or become a grandparent. My heart breaks when I think of all the things Nash didn't get to do.

But then I have to take a step back and regroup. Because I know in my heart of hearts that life is so much more than that. I'm definitely not an expert on this. But I do know a couple of things for sure. In Nash's case, his lifetime was long enough to make a mommy and a daddy fall completely in love with a little boy. It was long enough for two brothers to have a bond that will last forever. It was long enough to make memories. It was long enough to learn the innocence and purity of children. It was long enough for a five month old child to have an effect on people that never had the opportunity to meet him. And it was long enough to prove that God is good and performs miracles each and everyday.

So when I look at it like this, I can't help but smile because I know that my son had a full life. Would I have liked to share more of life's adventures with him? Of course! But it gives me peace to think of him as being in the place that we all yearn to be someday. He is experiencing more joy and beauty and wonder than any of us could possibly imagine.

Thank you to all who keep us in your prayers and please keep them coming. I feel like now that this day has arrived, we are at the start of a new leg of this journey and I'm not sure what to expect.

Love and blessings to y'all,
Tracy

Worldwide Candle Lighting

I am writing this post with a heavy heart. I wish so desperately that I didn't have to write this; that I didn't have to ask my friends and family to do this for me. But I know that I have gotten this far in my journey of grief because of the strength I have gotten from the prayers of you all. God has truly lifted me up and carried me in His hands over the past five and a half months. I am confident that all who read this will do their best to help me with my request...

As some of you know, I have been attending The Compassionate Friends meetings every month. This is a support group for parents of children who have died. Through this group I have learned about a special day that is quickly approaching.

According to their website...
"The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting®, held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14, unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memories of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.
Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift from TCF to the bereavement community, creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten."

Here is where you come in. I am asking all who read this to please, please light a candle for one hour in honor of Nash starting at 7:00pm on this Sunday evening. It would mean the world to me to know that people are thinking of him at that time. I know that he will witness the most glorious light shining up at him as he watches from heaven.

I hate that I even know about this Worldwide Candle Lighting. I hate that there has to be such a thing. But I love that I have the most supportive and wonderful friends to lean on. I love that my little boy will be remembered on this night.

Please feel free to pass this on to others that you feel would be interested in sending Nash some love. Brad and I will be looking towards the sky, hoping that he will look down upon us and know how very much we adore him and how very blessed we are to be his mommy and daddy. Thank you for sharing in this special day with us. God Bless you all.
Tracy

A New Tradition?

Today after I picked Tate up from "school," we headed to Walmart to pick up some odds and ends that I couldn't find at Target this morning. I'm beginning to think Tate prefers Walmart to Target because we hardley ever go there, but when we do he is MUCH more well behaved. He was happy as could be, walking down the aisles with me, stopping occasionally to look at ornaments or plastic tubs or oranges. We were on our way to the check out lines, when Tate spotted a huge display of gingerbread houses in our path. He just stared up at the big tower of boxes, looking oh so sweet. What's a mom to do?

I quickly realized he was much more interested in eating than in helping me out.

Once I got the candy out, he was ready to dig in...But after a couple well-placed gumballs, he soon became obsessed with picking out all the gumdrops and eating those.

The finished product!!! Notice there are absolutely NO gumdrops that made it onto the house. Okay, so we're not the best ginderbread house makers. I could use a little help with my frosting ability and he could learn to not lick his fingers so much. But it sure was fun to share something new with my little boy. Maybe we'll try again next year... in fact, I'm sure of it!

Love to y'all,

Tracy