I can't write this without acknowledging the weather that we confronted soon after crossing into the midwest. Did I mention that we drove??? Yep! Twelve and half hours after leaving sunny, warm, 70 degree Dallas, we stepped out of the car into two feet of snow and 30 degrees BELOW freezing in good ole Storm Lake, Iowa!
As cold as it was, Tate sure didn't seem to mind too much... He eagerly went outside to play with his Grandma Sievers - she pulled him on a little sled in the driveway (Tate yelling, "No hills Grandma!) and dug out a little snow tunnel for him to sit in (Tate yelling, "Tate too big for that tunnel"). Then on Christmas Day, when the weather was warm (like 15 degrees), Tate went out on the frozen lake with the big boys. I know, I know... us city folks were always taught to stay off large bodies of frozen water...unless we were iceskating in the mall, right? I was a nervous wreck, but my in-laws live on the lake and assured me that it was safe - they said the ice was at least a foot thick. Anyway, Tate surprised us all when he went on an inner tube with Brad and got pulled around by the four-wheeler. Then he took a turn and helped his Uncle Steven drive the four-wheeler. He had a blast and I'm so glad he was able to do something new!
The picture below is of Tate getting more presents from Santa when he came to the "big" Sievers Christmas. It's such a cute tradition and Tate was so happy to sit with Santa. In fact, as the other kids went up to his lap, Tate stood right there, as close as he could get...probably trying to see if Santa had anything more to give him!
Before Christmas, every time someone asked Tate what he wanted Santa to bring him, he would say, "football." Our house is loaded with footballs, but for some reason, this is what he had his little heart set on. Well, he quickly got the hang of opening his presents (and ours). And to everything he opened, he would announce, "I want to play with that." But the best reaction, by far, was when he got his much-desired football...He couldn't get it out of the box fast enough and then stood there holding it up, for all to see. He was so proud and even now, if you ask what he got for Christmas, the first thing out of this mouth is, of course, "football."
This is Great Grandpa Sievers with his grandkids, some spouses, and two great grandsons... Now this is where things get hard...I wanted to write that this is a picture of Great Grandpa Sievers with all his grandkids, but that isn't right. It will never be right because someone will always be missing. I do have to say that even though I know that no one intended it to be hurtful, it was difficult to hear people say things like, "I'm so thankful we're all here this year." Because we weren't all there. There was someone so important that was missing.
Tate had SO MUCH FUN with his cousin, Cade. Sadly, they don't get to see each other much because Brad's sister Jill and husband Eric, live outside Kansas City. But every time we get together, the boys have the best time! It's so much fun to watch. However, I have to say that it was very bittersweet to see these two becoming such good buddies, when there should be a third little boy, stuggling to keep up with them. How sweet would this picture be with one more little one sitting next to them?
Ready to rock??? This was Cade's favorite thing to say and he taught Tate how to get his groove on! Check out their matching jammies! Thanks Uncle Steven and Aunt Emily!
Tate has been playing with his new toys nonstop, including this one in the video below. We call it his "ABC Computer." Maybe now he won't want to bang on the real computer so much...wishful thinking, I know!
I love Christmas!!!
The car ride home.
Motorcycle book? Check.
Backwards hat? Check.
Purple mustache? Check.
Blankie? Check.
Ahhh.....
The trip proved to be quite the roller coaster ride. It was FULL of so many wonderful moments, that will become treasured memories, I'm sure. While on the other hand, there were times that were so painful and raw, it hurts to even think of them, and yet I have no doubt that they, too, will remain with me forever.
When we got to town at 10:00 the first night, we stopped at the cemetery before we went to the house. Tate was asleep and we felt we had to stop by to see Nash. I cannot tell you how hard it was to see his little spot covered in thick, cold snow. I knew that this would bother me and I tried my best to prepare myself for it, but it was still so hard. I know that my little boy isn't really there, in his tiny white casket, under the mounds of snow. I know that he is safe and warm and happy in heaven, but my heart literally hurt to see it.
We went out to "see" him many times during our vist. One night, we got stuck in the snow right at the entrance to the cemetery and each took a turn and walked out to talk to him. I was just bawling as I trudged to his little marker, thinking, "Who does this? Who has to go out in below freezing temperatures, through two feet of snow, in the dark to their child's grave?" I just couldn't believe that this was my life. This is how I live and this is how it will be until I'm reunited with him again. I know that other parents are in the same situation, but it's still such a lonely feeling.
On the 23rd, Brad and I went to pick out Nash's grave. I had been dreading this for almost six months. God, however, was with us that day, in that it went so smoothly and is exactly what we wanted. I truly believe He held us up as we made decisions and picked things out to make it just right. We wanted it to be perfect and I believe that it will be. The granite we chose has to come from China, so it will not be in until June, but we were promised that it will be there by the anniversary of his death on July 1st.
In the meantime, the little marker from the funeral home is still there, along with some decorations. By the time we were leaving to come home, the snow was beginning to melt and we could even see the grass. Here's how it looked when we left.
As you can imagine, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were very difficult. The church we went to on Christmas Eve was the same one where we had Nash's funeral on July 5th. We hadn't been there since. Pulling up to walk in the doors, I was hit with the image of standing there six months earlier as Nash was carried into the hearse by his three uncles and Brad's cousin.
Once inside, I was drawn to the spot where Nash's casket was before the funeral, while it was still open. It was the last place that I saw my little boy...His little baseball onesie, binky in his hand, tiny socks, striped blanket around him, a family picture by his head, and my mom's rosary hanging over the edge. He looked so beautiful, so perfect. This time, when I went to that same spot, there was a Nativity Scene there. It was really big and also very beautiful. I had so much peace knowing that Baby Jesus was laying right where Nash had been.
The service was sweet as ever - it was the Children's Service and lots of Brad's extended family took part in it. Their little voices are always so pure and innocent. Like years past, the service concluded with the dimming of the lights, as the children played Silent Night with bells and the congregation held candles... "...Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace."
Everyone began to file out of the pews, but I just sat there, clinging to Brad, as I sobbed and sobbed for my son. My heart literally hurt as I tried to catch my breath. But it just all came out right there and then. Tears for the things Nash is missing out on, for the things Tate is missing out on, for the things Brad and I are missing out on; tears for the things I didn't get tell him, for the guilt over not being there with him when he died; tears for the memories of that horrible day; tears for the days in front of me, living without my baby. So many tears.
More tears were shed while opening presents, when I received the best present I have ever gotten. There wasn't a dry eye in the room when my mother-in-law gave me the quilt she had been working on. I had given her nine of Nash's onesies back in the fall and asked her to make one, not really knowing what to expect. Well the finished product surpassed even the best I could have imagined. It is absolutely beautiful. My favorite part is the onesie on the bottom left - it says "handsome" on it and has a tiny stain around the neck.
I know that making the quilt wasn't easy for Judy. But each stitch was sewn with unconditional love and I feel so close to Nash when I wrap myself in it. I am so thankful for her willingness to do this for me.
So, how was my Christmas? Wonderful, heartwrenching, beautiful, horrible, hopeful, memorable, cold, fun, relaxing... I'm not sure what the answer is. But I do know that we got through it. And by the grace of God, we will continue to get through the most difficult days and we will be thankful for all the moments of peace we are given by Him.
I hope that your Christmas was full of many more ups than downs. Take care.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
2 comments:
Judy did a fantastic job on the quilt. I so wish we could have been there with y'all for christmas. I'm glad you had a safe trip...I love the pictures of Tate...he's getting huge! :) Thank you for sharing your heart, Tracy...
Tracy, You do such a great job expressing the difficult to express! Thank you for sharing your heart and helping us understand what you and Brad are going through!
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