'Tis the Season

Hey Y'all!

So we decided to get down all the Christmas decorations this weekend - Brad took about eight trips up to the attic until he found all the stuff we needed...you "Northerners" sure are lucky to have basements! Then Tate and I played around outside while Brad hung the Christmas lights - I had bare feet and short sleeves on - beat that, Northerners!!!

Once all the decorations were down, it began to sink in that we're going to have to celebrate without one of our sweet little boys. It was so difficult to look through all the ornaments from last year, remembering how much hope and excitement we had to meet the newest member of our family. Decorating the tree was so different than any other year.
We buy a special ornament each year for our children. As they get older, we'd like for each of them to have a small tree that has all their ornaments on it. Then when they are grown, they can take these ornaments and put them on their own trees. The little tree in the above picture is Nash's tree. We put it on our dining room table and decorated it with little bitty ornaments...like candy, and snowmen, and sports, and tractors...all the stuff I'm sure he would have loved. We decided that we'll put this one out for him each year.

As I was digging through one of the boxes I found our stockings. Five stockings. Me, Brad, Tate, Nash, and McCarney. Nash never even got to use his. I remember buying it last year, so excited to fill it with treats and toys this Christmas. We decided that we would still hang it - after all, he's still part of our family. Then on Christmas Day, we're going to put a bouquet of white flowers in it (a wonderful friend gave me this idea - thanks, Coleen!).

Now comes the task of writing our Christmas letter. How do I begin to do that??? Many people have told me not to worry about it this year; that people will understand if I forego the letter and take a year off. But I feel that it's something that I need to do. Even though we are trudging through this grief, we have so many reasons to rejoice and celebrate. I want to write a letter. Please pray that I will find the right words.

On another note, here's something to make you smile. My mom introduced Tate to the following website... Enjoy!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/WyyZfUduqNVU5jB1

Love to y'all!

Tracy

Poor McCarney!

So my precious little boy was eating dinner tonight and being the great mother I am, I was cleaning up around the kitchen, doing some laundry, and who knows what else...basically not really paying much attention. McCarney, our chocolate lab, always sits at attention, waiting for Tate to drop something, or when he's feeling generous, he often shares his food (mostly the stuff he doesn't like!) with her. All of a sudden, I heard Tate start to yell and then crack up laughing and McCarney started scurrying around the kitchen table faster than usual. When I ran over to them, here's what I saw... Tate (minus his pants - sorry!) holding an empty yogurt container. So I'm thinking, "Oh, he spilled it again!" But as I looked closer, I noticed...

McCarney's face was full of yogurt! She didn't seem to mind. In fact, she was racing around trying to eat as much of the spilled treat as she could. So then I asked Tate what happened. Here's his two year old response.

So basically, I think he admitted that he poured yogurt on McCarney's head. At least he's honest, right?

On another note, I have to share something that happened at dinner on Friday night...My parents, Brad, Tate, and I were eating at Applebee's. Tate started going, "Who loves ______?" and filling in the blanks with the members of our family. Here's how it went:

"Who loves Mommy?"

"Me!"

"Who loves Daddy?"

"Me!"

"Who loves Tate?"

"Me!" (okay, so he's got a little bit of an ego...)

"Who loves Baby Nash?"

"Me!"

"Who loves Nanny?"

"Me!"

"Who loves Pa?"

"Me!"

"Who loves Miss Linda?" (his teacher)

"Me!"

"Who loves Baa Baa Black Sheep?"

"Me!" (HUH?)

"Who loves Obama?"

"Me!"

...I swear to you, that's what he said. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff, but I sure am glad to be there when he does.

Love to y'all!

Tracy

The Yellow Balloon

Since yesterday I've been debating as to whether I wanted to share this story with y'all...
First of all, for those of you that don't know, after we buried Nash in Iowa, we held a memorial service for him down here in Plano. At the conclusion of the service, the congregation went outside and we all said the "Our Father." When the prayer ended, Brad, Tate, and I released a bunch of yellow and white balloons into the sky. And ever since that day, Tate associates balloons with his little brother. When he gets a balloon from a restaurant or something, he asks to send it up to heaven for Nash. It's become sort of a tradition for us.

So I was on my way home from my parents' house yesterday afternoon, listening to the end of the Country Music Countdown. The number one song was Carrie Underwood's "Just a Dream" about a young bride whose fiance' dies at war. Even though the song is about the love between a man and a woman, I always get choked up during the chorus:

Baby, why'd you leave me?
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know.
I can't even breathe.
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, "He's not coming home now."
This can't be happening to me.
This is just a dream.

Yesterday was no different. My eyes began to well up as the chorus started and my mind went straight to thoughts of my sweet little Nash. I made a right turn onto a usually busy highway, and right in front of my car was a bright yellow balloon, quickly floating across the road. It wasn't moving up or down; it just glided straight across my path. I think I gasped and tried to see it in my rearview after it passed by, but I couldn't find it.

I've come to the conclusion that yes, it may have just been a lone balloon that got away from it's owner on a windy afternoon. However, somehow it crossed my path right when I needed to feel close to my son - and that, my friends, was no accident.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Boys Will Be Boys...

Hey All,

Sorry it's been awhile since I last posted...Tate's been sick since Saturday and things have been a little crazy around here. I'm hoping he's on the mend now - the poor thing has a terrible cough and a very runny nose. No one's had a decent night's sleep in a good five days now.

...But it's funny that even though he's sick, Tate can always find ways of entertaining himself (and me!). I thought these pictures would give y'all some good laughs. Enjoy!!!

Tate's New Beauty Regimen??? Not only is he on the scale wearing an eye mask, but if you look closely, he's flossing his teeth! (Who knew two year olds could have such good hygiene???)

Here he is in his new favorite hiding spot! Perfect fit, huh?

And this is Tate's "funny face." He thinks he's SO hilarious!!!

I sure am a blessed woman to have this sweet little one in my life.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Four Months.

I cannot believe yesterday marked the four month anniversary of Nash's death. It's still so difficult to even write these words - it makes them so real; too real. Every month on the first, I find myself replaying the horrible events of that day over in my mind. Each time I look at the clock I can remember what I was doing at that exact time on July 1st... 10am I decided to get on a plane...12:00pm I said good-bye to my parents at the airport, still not really knowing why I felt I needed to get to Nash...3:00pm I arrived in Omaha and Brad's aunt picked me up...4:00pm I was told Nash would be coming to Omaha by helicopter...5:15pm I was being driven to Sioux City, Iowa when we found out Nash was not stable enough to bring him to Omaha...5:37pm my little boy was peacefully taken to be with Jesus and I was still on my way to him...7:00pm I got to the hospital to find Nash wrapped warmly in blankets in the arms of my father-in-law and MY WORLD STOPPED...7:01pm Nash was put into my arms as I sat and rocked him...7:15pm I called Brad to tell him that his little boy was gone... 1:15am I held Nash for the very last time and then gave his precious body over to a nurse...I don't know if these thoughts will ever subside. They are still so clear and so raw and so horrifying. And on the first of every month, I go through them over and over again.

I apologize if this is difficult to read. My last intention is to upset anyone. However, I feel better expressing my feelings and I feel comfortable doing so in this way. And I think I have hope that all who read this will offer up their prayers for our family and that is what we so desperately need more than anything. So thank you for reading this. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for thinking of my sweet little boy, Nash.

I went to a special Mass this afternoon remembering all those who have died this year. We were asked to bring a photograph of our loved one to put in the front of the church. When we got there, I went to give Nash's picture to a lady to put on the display. I just kept looking at all the other photographs of people so much older than my little boy. His sweet face seemed to stand out among the others. It was a very emotional service - they even read his name during a song and a special prayer. It meant so much to me to hear that. It reminded me that no matter how long he's been gone that he was here. He mattered. He touched lives.

As much as I miss him, I came away from Mass today with a peace about me. I was reading a book the other day and someone posed this question about someone who has died: "Can we really say we lost someone when we know where he is?" No. Nash is NOT lost. I know exactly where he is and I also have faith that we will be reunited with him when God calls us to leave this earthly place. Believing this with all my heart gets me through the darkest hours.

Prayer For Those Who Mourn

Grant, O Lord, to all who are bereaved

the spirit of faith and courage,

that they may have strength to meet

the days to come

with steadfastness and patience;

not sorrowing as those without hope,

but in thankful remembrance of your great

goodness,

and in the joyful expectation of eternal life

with those they love.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love to y'all.

Tracy