Thanksgiving in Iowa

A couple of hours ago, we made it back from our quick trip to Iowa to visit Brad's family for Thanksgiving. I have to say that I'm so blessed that visiting my in-laws (and the rest of Brad's HUGE family) is something I honestly look forward to each time. Each of them have truly become my family and I know how lucky I am to have them.

Brad spent most of his time with all the "men" hunting. His 30th birthday was on Thanksgiving Day, so we had a surprise party planned for him on Friday night. It went off without a hitch and ended up being a fun night full of family and friends.

Tate and I spent a lot of time with Brad's mom, sister, and my nephews. Tate had an absolute blast hanging out with the family. He went "fishing" in the lake (he didn't care he had no bait!), helped Great Grandpa Sievers with chores on the farm, rode the four wheeler, and played like crazy with his cousin, Cade. Yesterday afternoon Tate came to me with tears in his eyes and said, "Aunt Jill said we have to go home soon. Do we?" My heart broke for him. He was having so much fun, he really didn't want it to end. Poor baby...

Doing chores with Great Grandpa

My nephew, Colton Nash Miller (10 months)

Of course, Brad and I went to "see" Nash several times while we were there. It still is such a shocking thing to slowly roll to a stop on a tiny gravel road next to a little grave with your son's name on it. It takes my breath away every single time. Brad and I talked about that while we were there one day. Most times, it's like I hate that we're so far away because I feel like it's irresponsible of me to not be the one there, tending to Nash's grave on a regular basis. I should be the one visiting him all the time. And then I wonder if that would make this harder. Would going to cemetery as part of my routine be something that would take its toll on me even more. Or would I begin to get used to it? I can't imagine that I would... I don't know what the right answer is. I know, in my heart, that we buried him in the right place. I just wish I had it in my power to be there with him more often than I'm able to.

Today on the plane, I remembered that four years ago tonight, Brad and I found out I was pregnant with Tate. I remember that ultimate, pure happiness I felt that night. I remember waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, so excited to be living in my shoes... I'm scared that I won't ever have that feeling again. I don't know that it's possible any more. I think it's just not in the cards for me. I do believe that I will feel joys, but the cross I bear will always be with me and with my family. Every day. That's hard for me to think about. And honestly, I just try not to most of the time. It's the one thing that's just too overwhelming for me at this point.

Love to y'all,

Tracy