Brothers

Last night, while saying our prayers at bedtime, I asked Tate what he was thankful for. Without hesitation, he replied, "Jesus." We talked for a little bit about how happy we are that Nash is with Jesus now and that he is being taken care of so perfectly in heaven.

I thought the conversation would end there, until Tate said, "I miss Nash." Tears immediately sprung to my eyes as I told him I missed him too. I tried to reassure Tate that even though Nash isn't with us anymore, he will always be his brother. That's when Tate asked, "But what is a brother?" My heart dropped as I realized that he didn't really understand what it meant to have a brother because he was so little when Nash was here. So I tried to explain that families have all different members in them, like mommies and daddies. And I said that sometimes, when they're really lucky, there are two little boys in the family - these would be brothers. Tate thought for a second and then said, "But now we only have one boy." That's when my heart broke yet again.

None of this is fair. None of us understand why or how this happened. So how on earth am I supposed to explain it to my three year old little boy - who should be so innocent, and yet knows way too much about the realities of life?

I often imagine what it would be like, watching Tate and Nash together... Tate needs his brother so badly. He needs him to play swords with, and pitch baseballs to. He needs him to crawl into bed with, and snuggle with their blankies. He needs him to share his cookies with and giggle as they watch the Disney Channel. I would give anything to give those experiences back to both of them. I often feel sorry for myself because of all the things Brad and I will miss out on when it comes to Nash. But, my sweet Tate is missing out too.

I pray that Tate will keep Nash's memory close in his heart. I pray that he will never doubt how much his little brother loved him and looked up to him. I pray that he will have some memory of the short time they spent together.

My two sweet boys. Tate and Nash. Brothers.

Love to y'all,

Tracy