It's Over... and Yet It's Not

So the anniversary of Nash's death has now come and gone. As y'all can imagine, yesterday was full of emotion and lots of painful memories of Nash's final hours on this earth.

I wasn't sure what we were "supposed" to do on the anniversary day... With the suggestion of a great friend I decided to bake some cookies and bring them over to the funeral home that helped us so much last year. As we pulled up, I felt sort of silly doing it, wondering if going there was really such a good idea. But as soon as Brad and I walked through the doors, Nathan, the man that was so amazingly empathetic to us in our greatest grief, was there to greet us by name. We visited for a few minutes, telling him again how much we appreciated all he did for us last July.

Over the past year, the local floral shop has had an on-going deal with another great friend of mine back in Texas. My friend has been in communication with them to make sure they put something new out at the cemetery on the first of every month. I can't tell you how much it means to see Nash's grave looking so perfect. Thank you, Jennifer for your thoughfulness and love!!! So because of this, Brad and I also went to the floral shop to bring them cookies and say thanks.

In the evening, Brad and I went to the cemetery so that we would be there at 5:37 - the official time that Nash entered into heaven. We stood there, in silence, both knowing the hurt of the other. I asked Brad if he thought Nash was scared when he was "going." He said he didn't know for sure, but that maybe Nash knew he didn't have to be...

At 6:00, many of our family members showed up. There were over thirty of us, standing in the cemetery remembering our little boy. Brad's aunt said a short prayer and I thanked everyone for coming and for all the support and love they've showered us with over the last year. Then we said the Lord's Prayer and let go tons of yellow balloons, hoping that Nash would receive them in heaven.

All in all, the day went as well as it could have. I am so grateful to have it over with and yet am so overwhelmed that fifty years from now, I will still be sitting at Nash's grave on July 1st. That won't ever change. There's no end to the pain and that's hard for me.

Thank you to all that were praying for us. I can't even begin to tell you how much the text messages, emails, cards, flowers, and phone calls helped. Some of my friends even made a post on their own blogs about our little one. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

Love to y'all,
Tracy