I Can't Remember

Today is one of those days I've been dreading...

Many of you probably don't know the exact circumstances of how Nash ended up in Iowa when he died... Brad and I were planning on taking the boys to Iowa to spend the week of the 4th with Brad's family. The weekend before we were supposed to go, we had a wedding to attend in Minneapolis. Brad and I were planning on leaving the boys with my parents while we were gone. Once we got back from that, I'd finish up my last week of grad school and then we'd get on another plane to Iowa with the boys.

A couple days before the wedding, Brad's mom suggested that when we go to the wedding, we just bring the boys with us (they were both still considered "lap children"). She would drive up to Minneapolis and meet us. We could hand over the boys and go the wedding as planned. Then she'd just keep the boys until we flew up to Iowa the following week to celebrate the 4th. This way, she'd get to spend more time with the boys. In addition, after the wedding, Brad and I could go back to Texas for the week and I could finish up my class and all the last minute assignments, etc. At first I was totally against the idea because I didn't want to be away from the boys for a whole week, but after lots of praying about it, I thought it was a good idea since my in-laws didn't get to spend much time with them, living so far away.

So last June 27th, we flew up to Minneapolis. It was hectic as could be... typical of a family with two boys under the age of two. We couldn't sit together on the plane because both boys were lap children. So I had Tate and Brad was in charge of Nash. I remember when we took off, Nash started crying pretty hard - I could hear him from my seat a couple of rows up. "Poor Brad," I thought. But soon enough he quieted down and I remember looking back and seeing Brad with his eyes closed, Nash nestled into his neck, fast asleep. So sweet...

We got to Minneapolis and I remember finding a place in the airport that had warm water so we could make a bottle for Nash - he had refused it on the plane with Brad. I remember that it took forever to make our way to the car rental place. Once there, Nash and I stood in line for a long time to get our car. Eventually we drove to the Mall of America to meet Brad's mom and aunt.

I remember it was drizzling outside when we got there. I remember we went to the Rainforest Cafe. Nash was sleeping in his carrier. I remember that we ordered an appetizer sampler, but neither Brad or I was hungry enough to finish it. I remember our waitress spilled a Coke on her tray and it splashed down onto Nash, who woke up screaming, drenched, and sticky. I remember Tate walking around the mall with Brad's aunt while we changed Nash's clothes and tried to get him to eat his bottle for the millionth time.

I remember walking out to my mother-in-law's truck and loading all the boys' suitcases, toys, food, etc. I remember Nash sitting in his carrier next to the truck. I remember kissing Tate and telling him to listen to his grandma and to be very safe (my in-laws live on a lake and I was so worried about him being a little too curious about the water). I remember leaning over Nash and telling him that I really needed him to start eating better.

But I can't remember saying good-bye. I don't remember if I kissed Nash on his forehead or his mouth or if I held his hands in mine. I don't remember the look in his eyes. I don't even remember if I did this while he was still in the parking lot or actually in the back of the truck. I can't remember. Why can't I remember?

The weird thing is I remember walking away, crying. I felt silly that I was so emotional. After all, I'd see them in just a couple of days, right? I remember pulling out of the parking lot and craning my neck to watch their truck. And I remember the next day when Brad and I went back to the mall to do some shopping, I saw their parking space again and I stared at it as we passed.

I just don't remember telling Nash good-bye.

My prayer is that Nash knew in that moment the love I felt for him. He knew one hundred percent that he and his brother were everything to his daddy and I. And I pray that now in heaven, Nash remembers that moment... that he remembers the kisses and hugs and words that were said...

Love to y'all,
Tracy