"All Those Boys..."

Tate and I have been in Iowa for almost a week. A couple days ago, Brad's sister, Jill and her family joined us. She has two little boys, Cade (almost 2 1/2) and Colton (5 months). Since we've all been here, I cannot tell you how many times we have been somewhere and someone makes a comment about "All those boys..."

"You sure have a housefull with all those boys!"

"Must be a pretty noisy with all those boys!"

"How lucky! All those boys!"

"Aren't they cute? All those boys!"

"Look how sweet they are together... all those boys!"

Every time I hear those words I find myself wanting to do one of two things: scream or curl up in a ball and cry. I hate those words. I hate them. I realize that everyone who says them is offering up nice compliments about our growing families... but they don't understand the depth of the meaning of them. Those three words are a glaring reminder to me that this family is incomplete.

I wonder what people would say if Nash was here. There would four little boys all under the age of three! I would give anything to see that. I can just imagine Nash trying to keep up with Tate and Cade... crying because they play too rough; not being able to run up and down the stairs to the basement; being too slow to grab any candy at the parade we went to today. That's how it should be. I shouldn't be forced to take my two year old to the cemetery on our way home from being out. That's not how it should be.

But it is.

It's hard for me to think that everytime we have our families together this is the way it will be... People will comment on how lucky we are to have all these little ones running at our feet. And yet even though I know we are COMPLETELY blessed with the boys we have with us, this family is also COMPLETELY devastated that one is missing. There will always be someone that isn't here.

Being here is getting harder and harder as the days go on. Brad doesn't get here for five more days and then he's leaving for a five day fishing trip with his dad, brother, and Jill's husband. I miss him like crazy and feel like I'm going to need him more and more over these next few weeks. My emotions are on complete overload and I feel like I'm unraveling. The anniversary of Nash's death is only like 10 days away and I just pray I can get through this. It seems like such an uphill battle at this point.

Please keep us in your prayers.
Love to y'all,
Tracy