Highs and Lows

Today Brad and I went to the Opening Day Rangers Game with a bunch of friends. Despite the freezing temps, we had a great time, relaxing and hanging out. (It was like 40 degrees out... and that's about as cold as we can handle down here!!!) To top it off, the Rangers actually won 9 - 1!

We got home around 5 and I began tidying up and getting stuff ready for Tate's dinner. Brad ran out and grabbed the mail and came in with a bundle of envelopes like usual. He leaned against the counter and sighed as he read the contents of one of them...

It was Nash's autopsy report. After more than nine months, we finally got it in the mail as I requested. We already know the diagnosis, but for some reason I just feel like I need to have everything in this world that has his name on it. I have his entire file from his pediatrician's office and all the hospital records from when he was in Iowa. The autopsy report was the last thing on my list of things to get. I actually have called the hospital three times asking for it, but it hasn't been ready. After like 5 months of waiting, I finally got the courage up to call again last week and was told that it was still "pending." I was in tears with the woman on the phone, as she asked all the routine questions as she was looking it up...

"Name of deceased?" ... "Nash Sievers."

"Your relationship to him?" ... "His mother."

Like so many other times, I just kept thinking, "Who does this??? Who drives home from work and has to call some faraway hospital, asking for her son's autopsy report?" And then when the woman said it wasn't quite done, I felt sick because I knew that meant I would have to get the guts up to call again. So today when it came in the mail, I was a bit relieved to know I wouldn't have to do that. I guess that was one positive that came out of it.

But reading those three sheets of stapled paper just makes it all so final. It's all summed up; there in black and white. All these facts that only add up to one thing: my son is gone and he is never coming back. Blond hair... blue eyes... 25 inches long... 15.3 pounds... "... a well nourished, well-developed male infant appearing his stated age." It's all so official.

There are some things on it that I don't quite understand and when I get up enough energy, I will look up the uncertain terms like I did page by page on all the other records I have of Nash. I just have this need to know everything and read everything so that what happened to him makes some sort of sense to me. However, I'm learning that even as I understand more fully what happened, there are always more questions that arise... most of which won't be answered until Nash and I are face to face again, at the feet of God. But I have a feeling that in that moment, I won't need answers anymore.

As great as today began, it has had a tough ending. But I am grateful to now have this last report in my hands. I guess I can throw away the pink sticky note in the very front of my planner that read's "Auto. - Nash" ...That To Do List has now been completed.

I'm sorry if this was a little more than any of you wanted to read... but I feel like I needed to write about it. Sometimes the tears alone aren't enough to get it all out. Maybe now I will have some peace as I go to sleep tonight.

Love to y'all,

Tracy