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So this year, I was actually looking forward to Easter because lately I've been thinking more and more about the meaning behind it. I was taught what Easter was all about at a young age, like most other Christians. But this year, I found that I am beyond grateful that we are able to celebrate this day... All because of a God that loves us so completely that He sacrificed His only son for our eternal happiness. There are no words that can explain how deeply I am affected by this. Many times this is what gets me out of bed in the morning. My faith in this has gotten me this far in my grief journey. So I was looking forward to celebrating this year.
But once the day came, the emotions running through my veins were so much more painful than I had imagined. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was just because I didn't expect it to hit me as it did. Maybe it was because I kept thinking about how last year my biggest concern was getting through the entire Mass without either of my sons creating a loud scene. Or maybe it was because I was just plain overwhelmed. It doesn't really matter the reason behind it, all I know is that I felt literally sick all day, as my heart crumbled into more pieces.
Of course I enjoyed watching Tate find his Easter eggs. He made me smile through my tears like he always does. But I couldn't help but imagine the day with another little boy running around, trying his best to keep up with the big brother that he adored so much. What a beautiful day it would have been...
Instead of toys and candy, I had to settle for Nash's Easter basket filled with white roses as it sat on the center of our table during dinner. While I love this tradition (and will continue it in the future), I hate that I have to do it. It's not the way I ever imagined my Easters to be.
What I wouldn't give to go back to a year ago... two Easter baskets. Two little boys. A full heart. Not wanting anything more than what I already had. Complete contentment. It seems so far away now. Like some fantastic dream. Now I must learn to live on hope and faith that there will be a day when we all will be reunited in God's kingdom forever and ever. Happy Easter.
We live by faith, not by sight. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:7
Love to y'all,
Tracy
6 comments:
My heart breaks for you each time a holiday comes around. Not that Nash isn't on your mind 24/7, but I know that it stings and hurts you so much more than we could all imagine on days like this. It does seem too unfair that you have been given this heartache, and I wish there was someway that your pain could be wiped away. I know that Tate and Brad give you the strength to keep going each day and your courage and strength inspire so many. Praying for you always, Carmelita
Your strength, courage and wisdom amaze me. Take care girl!
Aw, sweet baby boy. Sweet and loving mama. I love Nash's face in the top picture. It's like he's not sure what to think of everything! Sending you strength and love this day and everyday -- hugs to you. :)
Your strength amazes me everyday. Nash is never too far from your heart. You guys are always in my prayers.
It's bittersweet sometimes the circumstances the Lord uses to draw us closer to Him. My heart breaks for you, Brad and Tate. Everytime I read your blog I cry for you and the time with your sweet boy that was taken away. Thank you for being so transparent with your pain. I love you guys and we are thinking about you.
p.s...i noticed you follow Angie Smith's blog (bring the rain).
mycharmingkids.net is another one you might be interested in. Her youngest son developed several heart problems inutero and is currently in the hospital with rhythm problems....anyway, her faith and transparency has been so encouraging to read...
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