As some of you know, when I became a mom, I began keeping a journal for Tate, where I write to him every so often about what's been going on in his life in the hopes that someday he will get the chance to look back over his childhood and share in the memories. I began doing this same thing for Nash, but only got to write in his four or five times before he died. Since then, I still write in it, praying that he is watching over my shoulder as the words pour out of my heart and onto the paper.
I read an entry from Nash's journal on the day we had the memorial service for him down here in Plano and I haven't shared anything from it since... But today is a day that's been tough for one reason or another, so I wrote to him a little while ago and thought that maybe today I'd let y'all in to the deepest parts of me...
Well, Baby... today I started getting out clothes for the new baby - your little brother or sister... And I'm so sad, Honey. I can just see you wearing all the little outfits and it makes me miss you so much. The last time I touched all these little clothes, you were here with me. The thing that really gets me are the tiny milk stains around the necks of so many of them... it just shows how much trouble you had when you were eating. Seeing those stains breaks my heart. Baby, I'm so sorry I didn't know something was terribly wrong. Sometimes I feel so strongly that I let you down. And I'm just so sorry for that. You counted on me to protect you and I didn't. There are no words that can explain how deeply this pains me.
Nash, please, please don't ever doubt the depth of my love for you. From the moment I knew of your existence, I adored you and those feelings remain with me every second of everyday.
I think back to those months when we had you here with us and ask myself how I could have changed what happened. How could I have saved you?
In my most quiet moments, all alone with only my thoughts of you, Sweet Boy, I can't help but wish I had done something more, anything more, that would have kept you here with us a little longer. Even if the outcome was the same, maybe then I'd feel like you knew how I felt about you. I don't know, Buddy. There's just nothing that would make any of this okay.
Just know that with the new baby will come so many memories of you and I promise to welcome them all into my heart no matter how bittersweet they may be.
I love you beyond all words and miss you so very much.
Love,
Mommy
2 comments:
Dear Tracy,
Nash was blessed to have a mommy like you. For nine months, you protected and loved Nash before he was born. For five months and 16 days you held him in your arms and loved him and made him feel secure. He was a happy baby because he felt your love. Now, you hold him in your heart forever. The loves still grows.
Never doubt yourself. I was there. I witnessed your love, your care and devotion.
God bless you, Tracy. May this year bring you much happiness and love.
Tracy,
I think of you a lot lately because I know our babies were going to be coming anytime:) Please know that I am thinking and praying for you and your babies health with your upcoming delivery. That little baby is very blessed to have you as it's mother.
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