We now have exactly one week until the anniversary of Nash's death. I feel like it's some sort of countdown... But instead of there being something exciting at the end of it, it will just be a re-opening of an already gushing wound.
Last year on this day I was in the middle of taking my last graduate class and only a couple days away from officially having my Master's Degree. I remember that I had class and, like usual, my mom watched the boys for me.
Nash had always been a baby that wasn't the easiest to feed. But at this time last year he had been having some serious trouble eating for a couple of days. He was only eating half of what he would normally eat and that was after hours of trying to get anything down him. When we weren't trying to feed him, he acted as normal as could be.
I called the pediatrician that morning and explained what was going on. They told me the PA could see Nash that evening after my class got over with. I remember our appointment was around 6:00. When the two of us went back into the exam room, the nurse told me to undress him down to his diaper. I followed her directions and held him until the PA arrived. I remember that he kept craning his neck to look at a small poster on the wall that was announcing some new policy in how the office handled insurance. He wouldn't stop looking at it and I laughed as he kept wanting to see it.
Soon the PA came into the room and Nash looked right at her and began smiling and cooing. I remember her words exactly... "Well this sure doesn't look like a sick baby!" I nodded in agreement and told her what had been going on. She looked him over, asked me some routine questions, and listened to his heart. Yes, SHE LISTENED TO HIS HEART. Her final diagnosis? He was probably teething and his acid reflux was acting up. She told me to give him Tylenol to dull the tooth pain and she showed me a different way to administer his acid reflux meds. I left the office feeling happy and relieved.
I remember driving through Arby's on our way home... Nash started getting a little fussy as I was getting my food and I undid my seatbelt and found his binky for him. That seemed to help and he was good for the rest of the ride home.
I don't like driving by that Arby's anymore.
So now a year later, I just can't help but relive that day. I took him to his doctor and everything was fine... Or so we thought. Maybe I should have asked more questions or been more demanding. Maybe I should have brought in a bottle so she could have seen how uncomfortable he was when he tried to eat. There's just so many what if's running through my mind. And I just can't get past the fact that I didn't know how sick my little boy was.
HE WAS DYING AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
What kind of mother doesn't know that???
Again, please pray for us. And please pray that Nash forgives me for not doing more to help him. God knows I would have done anything and everything to save him.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
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3 comments:
I remember those days so clearly too...
You are so strong and I am so proud of you for continuing to live your life and being a wonderful mommy to Tate. Even though you can't watch over Nash, God is taking care of him and they will both be with you and your family as the one year day approaches. In our thoughts and prayers like always.
Tracy, you are the best mom. It makes me smile to think about you interacting with both boys. I remember admiring how fun you made it all seem - a baby in your arms with a toddler flying around at your feet. You would be just as excited as Tate was about some new skill he just acquired, and you would lovingly bounce and talk to Nash as if he was the only one in the room. You did these things simultaneously, but both boys somehow knew that they had your full attention. Both boys know how deeply you love them and that you would do anything in your power to protect them. It is not just me who thinks this - your love for them is clearly evident, available for all to see. I am thinking of you each day as this anniversary day approaches. Hugs to you, and I admire your strength in being able to be so honest and open with your heart even though it is so, so hard.
Tracy....it is natural to doubt yourself, blame or second guess yourself through this tragedy... BUT, my friend...you are a wonderful Mother. You did all that any of us would do. Nash felt your love everyday of his little life. Your children know they bring you joy by your sweet smiling face. He knew Tracy...I promise he knew.
You are an amazing woman and mother...I am constantly in awe of your honesty and your ability to share and mourn while letting your friends and family support you. You are incredible! I love you and hate that this next week ever came to pass to begin with and that this will be another one of those dreaded 1st's we always talk about. Love and Prayers to you, Brad and Tate. I am here whenever you need me.
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