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It's March 1st. Eight months ago today Nash went to heaven.I can't believe I'm through two-thirds of the first year without him. Four months from today will be one entire year. I just cannot get over the fact that the clock keeps ticking; that the days keep going; that the calendar continues on. Each month that we get through brings us farther from the time that Nash was here and I hate that. As much as time is supposed to heal, it also does it's fair share of hurting.
I get so afraid that I am going to start forgetting little things. I want to remember EVERYTHING. Every single look, every smile, every cry... everything. I want to remember every centimeter of his precious body... And I'm just so terrified that over time, those things will fade, like most of my other memories. Time has a tendency of making memories a little less clear; a little blurred around the edges and I don't want that to happen when it comes to Nash.
The night Nash died, I got to hold him for almost six hours, wrapped in blankets, waiting for Brad to get to the hospital. This is one moment I know I will never forget. I clearly remember how beautiful he looked, lying in my arms. It seems so cliche' but he was so peaceful. His sweet little face, so angelic. His scent still lingering on his skin. I don't think that vision will ever leave my mind. And, as hard as it was, I wouldn't have it any other way. It was the last time I would hold my son.
So today is just one of many that have proven to be difficult. And I know that these days will continue - that there isn't a time when these days will just stop. Every breath I take reminds me that I am not whole and never will be. But I am learning how to cope with it and understanding that Nash is still with me, just in a different way.
I am incredibly proud to be Nash's mom. And I have said it so many times: If God would've told me, "I have a child for you. But he will only live with you for just over five months. Do you still want him?" There is no doubt that my answer would have been yes.
So my sweet, sweet, Nashy... If I had it to do all over again, knowing everything I know now. The pain, the anguish, the despair, the desperate longing for my son... I still would have chosen you. Every time, Baby, every single time.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
3 comments:
I hope you can start celebrating every month of his life rather than mourning every month without him! I just can't imagine what you're going through having lot your child. I'm not so sure I could be as strong as you to say I'm glad I had those 5 months if I were to face the same situation but knew the outcome, I'm not sure I could've made that choice! Take care!
Dear Tracy,
You are a wonderful mother of two boys, Tate and Nash. You are also my amazing daughter.
I read your recent blog through my tears. Nash brought so much love to all who knew him.I agree with you, I would not trade his short time with us for anything. Nash will forever be a part of our lives.
Please know that I am here. A mom is always here. Tonight hold Tate and look into his expressive blue eyes, take a deep breath and within a minute I am sure Tate will make you smile.
God bless you, Tracy.
I think that by talking, writing about it openly as you do has kept Nash a part of your everyday world. It takes a lot of strength to do that, too.
I have a box full of little scribbled notes. Whenever I am or have been too busy to find an official album, but something popped into my head and I wanted to remember. Just a note to trigger the memory.
My heart goes out to you both.
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