Should

Tonight I should be getting ready to bring TWO little boys to Brinker tomorrow.  I should be packing two lunchboxes, two backpacks, two snacks.  I should walk through the doors tomorrow with both of my hands wrapped around the timid fingers of a first grader AND a kindergartner. 

I've been dreading tomorrow for five years.  And now it's only mere hours away.  How could it be that Nash would be starting kindergarten?  How could he be such a big boy already?  It doesn't seem possible.

I can't help but imagine Nash's little face, as he would walk into a big, beautiful classroom full of new friends and memories to be made.  I should be looking forward to seeing his huge smile as I go to pick him up.  I should get to listen to the nonstop chatter as two brothers compare the day they had on the ride home.  I should tuck in two exhausted Brinker Bears at the end of the day.

But none of these things are going to happen.

I miss my little boy every minute of every day.  But I know that tomorrow will be one of the toughest so far.  After we had Nash, one of the things I looked forward to the most was watching he and Tate grow up so close together... "just one year apart in school," I used to say.  Tomorrow will be such a glaring reminder of who we're missing and all we're missing out on. 

There will be so many questions that will never be answered.  I feel like I'm going be searching the faces of the new kinders tomorrow and think, "Would you have been Nash's buddy?"  Or be walking down the hall, wondering which locker would have had his name on it.  And most of all, seeing the teachers - some dear, dear friends of mine - and know the relationship that Nash would have had with one of them.  Nothing is more special that the bond of a kindergartner and their teacher. 

I'm going to try my best to get through the day with a smile.  I know that I am beyond blessed to have Tate and am really looking forward to him being a first grader.  But knowing that the group of kinders beginning their school careers are minus one, is a tough pill to swallow.  Any prayers coming this way would be so, so appreciated. 

Love to y'all,
Tracy