Thinking Back

In the support group that I attend for bereaved parents, last year I met a woman named Joanne.  Tomorrow she will be working through the first anniversary of her son, Ryan's death.  He was a month away from turning four years old, when his little body had had enough of the cancer that had pained him since before he was two. 

Knowing what tomorrow will bring for her makes me cringe.  Thinking back to when we had to get through Nash's first anniversary is still really hard for me.  That day just brings so many horrible memories to the forefront of one's mind.  For me, I relive the entire day.  It's like I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing at every second of that long July day.  And the pain is so intense and raw again.  Everything comes back full force whether you want it to or not. 

I hate that Joanne and her family will be doing that tomorrow.  In fact, if she's like me, it may have already started tonight.  Thinking back to that last time your life was really "whole." 

Without going into too much detail for the sake of Joanne's privacy, she was with Ryan as he left this Earth for Heaven.  And to be totally honest, I am jealous that she was able to do that for her son.  One of the things I struggle with the most is that I wasn't with Nash when he died.  I was on my way to him, going as fast as I could, praying and praying that God would keep him here until I got there.  Somewhere along the way, I knew that Nash wasn't going to make it.  But I remember asking God over and over again to just let me be with him one last time.  Let me tell him good-bye. 

Three years later, I have accepted that I wasn't there.  But I still don't understand why.  I don't understand why I didn't get to hold him and comfort him like a mommy should... at a time that he needed me the most.  I know that having the memory of watching your baby die must be heart-wrenching to say the least.  But imagining Nash with a team of doctors around him, not understanding why he felt the way he did, not understanding why they were hurting him, and not understanding why his mommy wasn't there for him truly makes my heart ache.  I will always regret that I didn't make it in time.  To kiss those sweet lips, to hold his tiny hand, to take away his fear, and to tell him that he is so loved, but that it's okay if he needed to go.  As hard as that would have been, I'd do anything to get that moment with him.

I'm not sure why all this is pouring out of me tonight.  I think Joanne has been on my mind all day.  And knowing that she was with Ryan when he died makes me think of my own experience.  I pray that she is finding some peace in knowing that her little boy had no doubt in his mind how much his mommy loved him.  I pray that she and her family get through tomorrow with more laughs than tears.  

Love to y'all,
Tracy 

The last picture that Nash and I took together

June 25, 2008