"Just a Little Scared..."

Today was a big day for all of us...

My little Tater began going back to school. He's in the same program as he was last year, just in a three year old class this time. He goes twice a week to a church with a great preschool program that some of the women I teach with have taught at previously (and my mom did too for a couple of years!). Needless to say, I feel very comfortable with him going there and we've had nothing but a great experience so far.

I was so sad I couldn't be there to take him to school on his first day, but I know that he was happy to go with Grandma. He was excited to go and even asked my mom at 8:00 this morning if "school was open yet."

Once they got there, my mom said he went right in the room, used the potty, and sat down on the rug, waiting to get started. It was at this point that my mom said she noticed his bottom lip begin to quiver. She asked him if he was alright and he told her, "I'm just a little scared." Now if that doesn't tug at your heart... The music teacher he knew from last year heard him and told him she gets scared too on the first day of school, which seemed to make him feel better. At that point, my mom left and he was happy to stay without her.

Well, my little man, mommy hears you. I was "just a little scared" today too...

At 2:00 this afternoon, Brad and I went to see a perinatologist for two different reasons. First, she was supposed to take a good look at our baby's heart to see how it is developing. Second, she needed to do a bunch of measurements of our baby's little parts because we had some abnormal results on a routine blood test given at around 16 weeks.

Now, I have to interject, that with both Tate and Nash, this blood test came back abnormal for an increased chance of them having Downs Syndrome. The results are given in a ratio and for my doctor, an abnormal result is that of having a ratio of lower than a 1 in 250 chance. With Tate, my ratio was 1:248 and with Nash, it was 1:250. So I've always had to go in for a Level Two sonogram so that a perinatologist can look for specific traits of Down Syndrome and either rule it out or suggest further testing. We've been blessed that both times our boys' measurements came back normal and the doctor was comfortable saying that they were healthy.

When the results of this blood test came back a few weeks ago, my doctor called to say that again they were reading abnormal, but that it most likely was due to something in my hormones than because of an abnormality with the baby. Of course, I was still a little worried, but had been through this twice before and held up pretty well. She didn't, however, tell me what my ratio was this time.

So for the last week or so my nerves have been getting worse and worse, as I imagined all the horrible possibilities of today. As much as I try not to, my mind goes to the worst case scenario because that is what I live on a day to day basis. Last night and this morning were rough as I anticipated my appointment.

Just going to the hospital was harder than I thought it would be... We walked through the front doors and I realized the last time I was in that spot, I was being wheeled outside on a crisp winter day with Nash in my arms three days after he was born. Just being in that lobby put tears in my eyes.

When we finally got in the exam room, the nurse asked us a bunch of questions regarding the paperwork I had filled out...
"Two previous pregnancies?"
"Yes."
"Both normal deliveries?"
"Yes."
"Both children living?"
"...Um... no."

I fought back tears as she continued asking about the circumstances surrounding Nash's death. It was just so hard to think about him and how we watched him at all those sonograms, swimming around in my belly and thought we were so lucky to have such a healthy baby. And now, I was lying there, waiting to see my new baby, praying everything was truly okay this time.

When Dr. Brown-Elliott came into the room, my heart was racing. She is a very likable woman and put me at ease the best she could. She began reading my charts and again asked some questions about what happened with Nash. She then asked if we'd want an amnio done because of the abnormal blood test results. I told her I didn't even know the ratio that came back. She checked her notes and said that for Downs Syndrome it was 1:162 (Huh? That's a much higher chance than with Tate or Nash...) and for a neural tube defect, such as Spina Bifida, it was 1:69 (HUH???). At this point, I began to panic. I had been assuming that the ratios would be like the last two times.

So with a deep breath, she began the long process of checking each and every little part of our baby... She was wonderful as she described exactly what she was looking at each time she took a new measurement. In the end, she was able to say that she thought all the measurements taken would suggest that our baby did not have either Down Syndrome or Spina Bifida. To be one hundred percent sure, an amnio would have to be done, but we declined that and the doctor said she was comfortable with us not getting one due to what she had seen.

The only downfall was that she could not get a great look at the baby's heart. She could see it's basic structure and placement, which all looked fine. However, because of the way the baby was positioned, she couldn't get anything more specific than that. In two weeks, we head to a pediatric cardiologist for a fetal echocardiogram, so that should tell us everything we need to know about how our baby's heart is developing. So we'll have to wait until then to know more.

Obviously, today was a long, tough day. But we are so relieved to have gotten the results that we did. We know that we still have a LONG way to go, but we just keep praying that this baby will grow healthy and strong.

And for those of you wondering... No, we did NOT find out what we are having! You know we don't do that! So hold your horses and be patient!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Profile of baby's head with arm up to forehead and hand facing us