I feel like a bad mom.
Lately I've been thinking about how long Nash has been gone. It seems like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Then I got to wondering if it had been 1000 days yet... something about this seems like a big deal to me. After a quick calculation, I figured that the day would fall a couple months after the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death, which was in January of this year. Recently I've found that every couple of days I'd think of it, and put it off, figuring I've still got awhile before I need to figure it out exactly.
But I was wrong. I missed it. I'm four days late.
1004 days. Today is 1004 days since my baby went to heaven. 1004 days.
How many kisses have I missed? How many smiles? How many belly laughs? How many fights with his brothers? How many nights of rocking him to sleep? How many bedtime stories? How many bumps and bruises and bloody lips? How many bathtimes? How many "I love yous."
Too many. Way, way too many. 1004 days is way too long for a mommy to be without her baby.
I'm missing him so much while I write this. My heart feels heavy and full of pain. I don't know what it is about getting to that 1000 day mark. Maybe it's that it seems like such a great feat... to make it this far. And yet, this isn't the end... I didn't get to the finish line of my grief. This 1004 days is going to turn into 2004 days and then 3004 days... This mountain seems so, so far to climb sometimes. God give me the strength.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Family Pics 2011
A couple of weeks ago, we had our family pictures taken. The last time we had them done was when I was about seven months pregnant with Knox. We... or I... decided it was time to do it again. It was a cool, windy day, but the photographer did a fantastic job and really got some good shots... which, as anyone with kiddo knows, isn't always easy.
Here's some of my favorites...
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Spring Break... Brrrrrrrr!!!
My mom, Tate, Knox, and I headed to Chicago on Saturday to visit family for the first couple days of our Spring Break. My dad met us because he was already there on business. It worked out so great!
My brother and his girlfriend, Kara, drove up from St. Louis. My grandma and her husband met us there as well (they live in a neighboring suburb). Plus, my mom's brother and his family drove from Indiana to hang out with us on Saturday and Sunday - this included my three cousins which I haven't seen in at least three years or so. My youngest cousin, Ian, even flew in from Yuma, Arizona (he's in the Marines) and surprised us because he heard we were all getting together. My grandma was beyond thrilled to have all her grandchildren together - plus Tate and Knox!
My brother and his girlfriend, Kara, drove up from St. Louis. My grandma and her husband met us there as well (they live in a neighboring suburb). Plus, my mom's brother and his family drove from Indiana to hang out with us on Saturday and Sunday - this included my three cousins which I haven't seen in at least three years or so. My youngest cousin, Ian, even flew in from Yuma, Arizona (he's in the Marines) and surprised us because he heard we were all getting together. My grandma was beyond thrilled to have all her grandchildren together - plus Tate and Knox!
Grandma with all her grandbabies...Ian (front), Eric, Kara, Trent, Tate, Ann, Knox, Me
The Cousins
On Sunday afternoon, we drove about an hour from Chicago to Indiana, where my dad's brother lives. We spent the next two nights there with my aunt and uncle. It was so nice just catching up and hanging out.
Aunt Mary Jo and Knox reading Good Night Moon
Tate drinking his first ever cup of hot cocoa after playing baseball in the backyard in thirty degree weather.
Aunt MJ and Uncle Terry with me and the boys
All in all, we had a fantastic trip. The boys couldn't have been better behaved... they felt right at home with everyone we saw and played their hearts out. I was so proud of them for being little troopers. I will admit that Knox had a complete breakdown on the plane this afternoon on the way home - which almost led to my complete breakdown as well. But other than that, what a great - albeit cold - Spring Break!
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Tracy
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Monster Trucks and Scraped Noses
It seems like I'm getting worse and worse about writing posts lately. So I'll do a quick update with a couple highlights from the last week or so...
Over the weekend, Brad and Tate went with some friends to Monster Jam - a Monster Truck show that they first went to last year. Since then, Tate watches old replays of the trucks that are on the Speed Channel or youtube. He is quite obsessed and knows not only every truck, but also who drives each one. It's actually pretty impressive. At one point he was so in to it he wouldn't answer to "Tate" because he said his name was actually "Tom Meents," the driver of his favorite truck, Maximum Destruction. Not only were we supposed to call him that, but he would tell strangers that was his name when introducing himself. A little weird, I know.
He's since past that stage, but is still very in to his trucks. He watches episodes nearly every morning when he wakes up (who needs Disney Channel?) and plays with the enormous amount of trucks he has collected - building ramps and racing them or having them do "freestyle".
Needless to say, Brad and Tate both really enjoyed themselves. Tate was on cloud nine as he told me all about his day. The highlight for him was before the show when they got to walk around the course and take pictures with the trucks. Tate got to meet his idol, Tom Meents, in person. They took a picture together and Tom signed Tate's shirt. Brad said when their turn was over, Tate gave him a HUGE hug and told him "Sank you" in his sweetest voice. Brad said Tom smiled and said, "No, thank you!" So sweet!
On a totally different note, we played at the park yesterday and poor little Knox fell right as we were leaving. His did a huge faceplant in the woodchips, came up screaming, and ended up with a cute little scrape across his entire nose. Poor baby!!! I guess I should mention that in three days we're taking our family pictures... should be some memorable pics.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Over the weekend, Brad and Tate went with some friends to Monster Jam - a Monster Truck show that they first went to last year. Since then, Tate watches old replays of the trucks that are on the Speed Channel or youtube. He is quite obsessed and knows not only every truck, but also who drives each one. It's actually pretty impressive. At one point he was so in to it he wouldn't answer to "Tate" because he said his name was actually "Tom Meents," the driver of his favorite truck, Maximum Destruction. Not only were we supposed to call him that, but he would tell strangers that was his name when introducing himself. A little weird, I know.
He's since past that stage, but is still very in to his trucks. He watches episodes nearly every morning when he wakes up (who needs Disney Channel?) and plays with the enormous amount of trucks he has collected - building ramps and racing them or having them do "freestyle".
Needless to say, Brad and Tate both really enjoyed themselves. Tate was on cloud nine as he told me all about his day. The highlight for him was before the show when they got to walk around the course and take pictures with the trucks. Tate got to meet his idol, Tom Meents, in person. They took a picture together and Tom signed Tate's shirt. Brad said when their turn was over, Tate gave him a HUGE hug and told him "Sank you" in his sweetest voice. Brad said Tom smiled and said, "No, thank you!" So sweet!
Getting his shirt signed.
Tate and his two best buddies... Kade and Tom Meents!
Tracy
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Sweet Tater
Like most moms, I swear I could write a blog everyday about the funny things Tate says. There's never a dull moment around here...
First off, let me give you a little background information... For the last three or four days, we've been noticing a terrible smell coming from somewhere upstairs. When I say "terrible," I mean the worst smell I've ever smelled. We thought through every possible explanation we could think of - a hidden dirty diaper, a lost milk cup, McCarney having an accident, dirty, dirty socks. Brad checked the attic twice for dead animals. This morning he even steam-vacced the entire upstairs... but to no avail. The stench was just getting stronger. By this afternoon, we were getting desperate, so Brad headed to the attic again to rummage around right above the spot where it smelled the worst. And what do you know? After lifting up an air duct, he found the culprit!!! A BIG, fat, disgusting, dead rat! AHHHH!!!!!
Brad put the rat in a Target sack and took it outside. At this point, Tate broke down into tears, saying he was so sad becaue the rat died. He said, "I never even got to hold it. And I really wanted to get my picture taken with him." HUH? He was literally in tears on my lap, sobbing about his "friend." I had to reassure him over and over again that the rat was already in heaven having a great time. This finally cheered him up enough to wipe his tears and get back to playing with his Monster Trucks.
Then tonight while eating a gourmet dinner or frozen pizza, leftover Taco Bueno, and Easy Mac, Brad was saying telling Tate how he and Knox were gonna have a lot of girlfriends when they got older because they are so cute. Tate told Brad how he didn't want any girlfriends because "mommy is the only girl that I like." Brad told him that someday he would find a girl that he really loved to which Tate replied, "Well I'll just punch that girl in the face." Okay... We told him that wasn't very nice to say. So he amended it a little by saying, "I'll just toot in that girl's face." Wow... what a lucky lady.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
First off, let me give you a little background information... For the last three or four days, we've been noticing a terrible smell coming from somewhere upstairs. When I say "terrible," I mean the worst smell I've ever smelled. We thought through every possible explanation we could think of - a hidden dirty diaper, a lost milk cup, McCarney having an accident, dirty, dirty socks. Brad checked the attic twice for dead animals. This morning he even steam-vacced the entire upstairs... but to no avail. The stench was just getting stronger. By this afternoon, we were getting desperate, so Brad headed to the attic again to rummage around right above the spot where it smelled the worst. And what do you know? After lifting up an air duct, he found the culprit!!! A BIG, fat, disgusting, dead rat! AHHHH!!!!!
Brad put the rat in a Target sack and took it outside. At this point, Tate broke down into tears, saying he was so sad becaue the rat died. He said, "I never even got to hold it. And I really wanted to get my picture taken with him." HUH? He was literally in tears on my lap, sobbing about his "friend." I had to reassure him over and over again that the rat was already in heaven having a great time. This finally cheered him up enough to wipe his tears and get back to playing with his Monster Trucks.
Then tonight while eating a gourmet dinner or frozen pizza, leftover Taco Bueno, and Easy Mac, Brad was saying telling Tate how he and Knox were gonna have a lot of girlfriends when they got older because they are so cute. Tate told Brad how he didn't want any girlfriends because "mommy is the only girl that I like." Brad told him that someday he would find a girl that he really loved to which Tate replied, "Well I'll just punch that girl in the face." Okay... We told him that wasn't very nice to say. So he amended it a little by saying, "I'll just toot in that girl's face." Wow... what a lucky lady.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
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