I feel like a bad mom.
Lately I've been thinking about how long Nash has been gone. It seems like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Then I got to wondering if it had been 1000 days yet... something about this seems like a big deal to me. After a quick calculation, I figured that the day would fall a couple months after the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death, which was in January of this year. Recently I've found that every couple of days I'd think of it, and put it off, figuring I've still got awhile before I need to figure it out exactly.
But I was wrong. I missed it. I'm four days late.
1004 days. Today is 1004 days since my baby went to heaven. 1004 days.
How many kisses have I missed? How many smiles? How many belly laughs? How many fights with his brothers? How many nights of rocking him to sleep? How many bedtime stories? How many bumps and bruises and bloody lips? How many bathtimes? How many "I love yous."
Too many. Way, way too many. 1004 days is way too long for a mommy to be without her baby.
I'm missing him so much while I write this. My heart feels heavy and full of pain. I don't know what it is about getting to that 1000 day mark. Maybe it's that it seems like such a great feat... to make it this far. And yet, this isn't the end... I didn't get to the finish line of my grief. This 1004 days is going to turn into 2004 days and then 3004 days... This mountain seems so, so far to climb sometimes. God give me the strength.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
1 comment:
I see you every day. Tracy, you are a great mom. You love your three boys unconditionally and forever. Your sons are blessed to have you as their mom.
I wish I could say the pain will weaken but I can't. All we can do is remember Nash's smile and know every minute he shared with you he was happy and he was loved.
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