What a Mess... Or Not

Now that Knox is four months old, we decided to start him on rice cereal. We figured we had to start sometime, so why not just give it a try? Nash never really got the hang of eating with a spoon and it took Tate a good three or four days of trying before he finally got the hang of it. I was armed with a bib and was ready for battle... I put a little cereal onto Knox's spoon, put it in his mouth, and flinched a little bit, ready to fend off the spray that came from his lips... and then... he swallowed it. It couldn't be that easy, could it? So I tried again... and again he swallowed it.
About five minutes later, his bowl was about empty and he was a happy little camper! HUH? How did he do that???

Love to y'all,

Tracy

A Shooting Star

Last night I had a dream that I saw a shooting star in the night sky and I wished for some kind of sign that would show me that Nash was near me... that he can hear me when I talk to him... that I can feel his presence around me. Just something to reassure me on my worst days that he's right here with me.

Driving home from work this afternoon, I received a text from my friend Shawnee, saying that her kindergarten little boy, Brayden, had a friend in his class who was involved in a tragic car accident on Friday evening. The little girl, her brother, and their mom died in the accident. Shawnee said that at Brayden's school today, they released balloons in honor of this family that was taken much too soon. She explained that Brayden told her he wanted his little friend to meet Nash in heaven and to share the balloons with him...

Shawnee wanted me to know that Nash was thought about today amidst the sorrow that was being felt for this poor family. She made sure to tell me that Nash was on people's minds as well. I am so thankful for this.

So of course, I was bawling on my way home from school... Thinking about the ultimate struggle the husband in this family must be going through and will continue to go through everyday of his life. Thinking about my own little boy and the loss and heartbreak I feel with every breath I take... Thinking about how thankful I am for good friends who keep Nash in their hearts.

As I pulled into the garage, I began texting Shawnee back, and at that exact moment, the song "One More Day" began playing on the radio. For anyone who doesn't know the song, click here to listen to it. Since Nash died, it has been the one song that gets me every time. What I wouldn't give for just one more day...

I often look for "signs" that God can hear my silent pleas. In my support group, people always talk about things that happen to them that make them feel that their children are around them. I've had a few of these instances happen for me, but they don't happen all that much. I find myself jealous of members of my group when they have so many examples of them. But I'm starting to think that maybe when they happen to me, they happen in a BIG way. An obvious way. A way that makes me step back and say, "Okay, Baby Nash, I know you're there."

And now, I have to add this as a cherry on top... I was just about to sign this blog, when Brad came upstairs holding a box that was sitting outside our front door. It was addressed to "Tate and Nash Sievers" at our old address. No joke. We opened it to find two Ralph Lauren shirts - one for Tate and one for Knox - which are undoubtedly from my dad because they're pink! I'm assuming he already had an account set up from years ago and that's why the names and address were wrong. But either way, to see Nash's name on something put a smile on my face.

So between the touching text message about a five year old little boy wanting his friend to find Nash in heaven, a song on the radio, and a package with his name on it, I feel Nash tonight. He's right here. He's always right here. It's not in the exact way I want him to be. But I know in my heart that he's never far. God wouldn't let that happen.

I guess wishes made on shooting stars really do come true.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Memorial Day Weekend

This past weekend, we flew to Kansas City to visit Brad's sister and family. It was Knox's first plane ride and he did a great job! PHEW! The boys and I spent the three days with Jill, her two boys, Brad's mom, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law Emily. As soon as we arrived on Friday night, Brad, Jill's husband Eric, Brad's dad, and Brad's little brother Steven, headed to the Lakes of the Ozarks for Steven's Bachelor Party. He and Emily are getting married on June 26th. We all had a great time. (Although the big boys might have had a little too much fun...) And to top it off, I actually came back with a pretty nice tan... who knew KC was the bronzing capital of the world?! Knox and "Soon to be" Aunt Emily

Sweet Nephew Colton

Tate and Colton playing at a Spray Park

Tate's version of Slip'n'Sliding

Baby Knox

Best Buddies - Tate and nephew Cade

The Sievers and The Millers

So excited for his first swim!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Night on the Town... Kinda

Brad and I celebrated our eighth anniversary yesterday. Since it fell on a Tuesday, it was a little more difficult to figure out something to do... Most weeknights, I'm curled up in bed by 9:30 (and sometimes that's even pushing it!). But I think it's important for us to make time for each other and what better day to do that than on our anniversary, right?

Since my mom graciously agreed to stay with the boys (after watching them ALL day!), we didn't want to be out for too long. That's when I remembered hearing about a new swanky movie theatre just being built around here. So, I did a little research and we decided that we'd give it a try.

The place is called Gold Class Cinemas... and now I totally get why. Upon arriving, we were greeted by a concergie, who told us to who we needed to talk to. We went up to a large ticket counter, where a woman looked up our reservations and handed our tickets to another woman. She then led us to a dimly lit bar area, complete with comfy chairs, couches, and pillows. She handed us menus, which had everything on them from cocktails to appitizers to entrees to desserts. After we ordered, we actually got to sit together and talk over a glass of wine and a beer! When's the last time THAT happened?!

We were soon told that our theatre was ready. We walked into a large room with thirty-two big, orange recliners. They were arranged in groups of two with a small table connected to the center of each one. They explained that if we needed anything to hit the call button and someone would be there to help us right away.

As the previews began, our appitizer came out (Blue Cheese Chips - YUM!) and we sat back to enjoy our ninety minutes of relaxation. I guess I should mention here that we saw "Date Night" with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. It was super funny and just a great movie to enjoy without having to really think - perfect for a tired mom on a "school night." We feasted on barbeque chicken pizza and sliders and then polished off some beignets with dipping sauces for dessert.

I would totally recommend going to Gold Class Cinemas to anyone who wants to do something a little different on their own "date night." Here's a couple tips: It's pretty pricey, so if you want to save a little, go on a Tuesday when drinks and half the menu are half price. And don't spend the extra $13 on the upgraded seats - we got the cheaper ones ($17) and they were just as good as any other ones in the theatre.
There's only six of these theatres in the U.S. So unless you're in California, Washington, Colorado, Chicago, or here, I guess you're out of luck... But if you ever get the chance to go, I say do it! And for those of you thinking, this just sounds like a more expensive version of Studio Movie Grill, there's more to it than that. The whole experience is just much more trendy and upscale... Think Studio Movie Grill on steriods...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Thankful For Pink

Brad's sister, Jill, is due in September with her third child. You may remember she already has two little boys, Cade and Colton. Neither Jill nor I have found out the genders of any of our children until this one. But she found out a couple days ago that this little one is a GIRL!!!

Since 2006, Brad's mom has heard the same thing FIVE times:
"It's a BOY!" (Tate - 2006)
"It's a BOY" (Cade - 2007)
"It's a BOY!" (Nash - 2008)
"It's a BOY!" (Colton - 2009)
"It's a BOY!" (Knox- 2010)

Well she's FINALLY gonna get her little girl! Just like everyone else in the family, I'm happy to hear the news... But the more I think about it, the more I realize just how much I wanted this baby to be a girl.

When Nash died, Jill was pregnant with Colton and no one knew he was a boy until he was born. Ever since then, it's a gut-wrenching feeling watching her two boys grow up together. I adore both of them. In fact, I'm probably the proudest Aunt there is, but my heart ached every time I saw them together - seeing what I was missing out on. Now that Knox is here, I am so thankful to watch he and Tate together. But the absence of Nash is still so close to the surface. I often find myself wondering how different it would be with all three of them here.

Once we found out that Jill was pregnant again, I found myself worried that if it were another boy, I'd again have a constant reminder of what my life should be. Every time we'd be together, I'd have to be reminded of what my family was missing out on. So, when Jill told me it was a girl, I honestly think I let out a breath of relief. She will have her two boys and their little sister. And I have three boys. It's different. I'm so thankful for that.

So here's to a healthy, beautiful baby girl! My first niece... I can't wait to meet you!!!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

This Is For The Mothers...

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I have absolutely no doubt about that. Sometimes we just barely get by, wondering how on earth we're going to be able to do it all over again the next day. But through all the bumps along the road, we all marvel at these tiny miracles that God has blessed us with each and every day.

I am proud to be the mom of three amazing little boys... Granted, it's not perfect. One of my sweeties isn't here with me. I don't get to hold him, or smell him, or hear his little voice. But I'm still his mother. And I always will be. I have three boys. Three.

Each of my boys has taught me a very important lesson in life. Tate is my strength. Strength when my days are filled with overwhelming grief, struggles, and heartbreak. Strength to get out of bed in the mornings. Nash is my faith. Faith that there is a much, much bigger purpose for each of us than we could ever imagine. Faith that we will all someday be together for all of eternity. And Knox is my hope. Hope for my family. Hope for my heart.

I got the following in an email this week. It says so much about all moms out there. I hope that it touches you as it did me. Happy Mother's Day to you all.

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up puke laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here'.

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football , hockey or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway?

Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation...
And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us.Hang in there.

In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Three Months!

Our sweet Baby Knox is officially three months old today - I cannot believe he's already past the newborn stage. It's so much fun watching him grown and learn at such a rapid rate. It's funny how, like all moms, every little thing he does makes me such a proud mama... "Look how fast he can kick his legs!" or "WOW! That's a lot of poop!" No matter what it is, when it's your baby doing it, it's the best!

Here's some of Knox's favorite things:

- playing under his little hanging birdie
- his swing
- kicking his legs like crazy

- "talking" to us... "ooooohhhh....ahh!"

- watching tv (He totally pays attention to it, even cranes his neck to see it - which is strange because Tate or Nash barely noticed it at this age).

- his binkies (YAY!)

- rolling over when he's on his tummy

- Tate's silly faces

- cuddling

- bathtime

- being rocked to sleep

- singing songs

- sleeping in his crib

- putting his hands in his mouth

Here's some of his not-so-favorite things:

- having to wait for me to fix his bottle - when he's hungry, he's HUNGRY!

- picking up Tate from preschool - he HATES waiting in the carpool line!

- the wind

- the sun in his face

- getting his nose "sucked out"

As you can see, he's a pretty great little guy - not much really bothers him. But I do have to say that when you're blessed with a very easy baby, you sort of freak out if they are acting fussy. It's like, "What are you doing? You don't act like this!" But more often than not, Knox just spends his days loving on us and being a perfect fit to our family.

Love to y'all,

Tracy