Worst. Mom. Ever.

This evening was one of those nights when everything seems to cave in around you, you try to keep it all together, and then you just lose it.  Dinner time always seems to be a bit tricky in this house.  After all, three picky eaters is a hard thing to navigate even on a good day.  But when everyone is tired, including the mama, things don't seem to bode well for anyone.  

To make a really long story short, after calling everyone five times to sit at the table, constant complaints about what I made, and the boys picking on each other, Knox ended up totally refusing to eat one teeny, tiny bite of chicken and was told if he didn't eat his ONE "no thank you bite" (thanks Aunt Jill), he would have to go to bed.  All he had to do was eat that dang bite and I would've given him a bowl of cereal. (That's been the protocol around here for a long time - if they won't eat what's for dinner, they can take a few bites and then have a bowl of cereal - but that's it until morning).  So we waited and waited.  I even put it in his mouth for him, telling him not to spit it out.  But he did.  Soooo... into the bath he went and I tucked him in at 6:30.  

I don't know who was more upset about it.  I've heard it a million times before... "If you don't eat your dinner, you're waiting till breakfast."  But this is the first time I've had to actually follow through with it.  The threats are usually enough to make them take the few bits we're asking for.  But not tonight.  

I feel like a crappy mom.  My baby went to bed with no dinner.  Nothing in his little tummy.  What kind of mom does that?  If it's supposed to make him realize that I mean what I say, I hope it's worth it.  Cause I don't like how it makes me feel.  

This is hard week for me... Nash's fifth birthday would be on Tuesday, the 15th.  And all I could think about tonight amidst the threats and raised voices and crying kids was that I am a terrible mommy for not just letting it slide.  When do you stick to your guns and when do you not?  All I want is for my kids to be happy.  What I wouldn't give to have Nash at our table, making it FOUR picky kids, whining about what I made.  

Putting Knox in bed tonight, my heart was so heavy.  As a mom, I know I need to teach my kids to respect authority and follow directions.  But tonight, it was so much more difficult than it is most days.  All I wanted to do was scoop him up and hold him and make him his dang mac'n'cheese.  But I didn't.  Instead, I scooped him up and held him and tucked him in his bed.  

I love these babies more than I could possibly explain. I know I did the right thing tonight... I think.  But my heart is hurting.  I often have this dilemma between being the grieving mom - who just wants her kids to be happy, and the responsible mom - who tries to teach her kids the right way to be.  Usually, the responsible mom comes out on top, with only minimal fight.  But tonight was a real battle.  And although the responsible mom won, the grieving mom is taking it pretty hard.  

Love to y'all,
Tracy