A New Year

I think it's safe to say that we all go into a new year with hopes of making positive changes in our lives.  We want to be better at one thing or another.  Maybe it's physical or mental.  Maybe it's within our relationships.  Maybe it's something life-altering and maybe it isn't.  But the new year represents a fresh start to all of us and what we do with that is up to us. 

For the past three New Year's, I've had very mixed emotions as we "celebrate" the passing of another year.  January 1st has a different meaning for me.  This is the day that marks the exact half way point of the anniversary of Nash's death.  So today it's been two and a half years that he's been gone.  Amazing.  Two and half years.  That's like 900 some days without my baby. 

This particular day is also difficult because it's such a reminder of how long it's been since I've held my little boy.  This is yet ANOTHER year that he won't ever see... that I won't ever share with him... I remember wanting it to stay 2008 forever.  Even though it was the worst year of my life, for five and a half months, it was the best.  And if I could have just stayed in that year, maybe it wouldn't seem so long that Nash had been gone.

All of that said, I am thankful for this New Year.  I'm grateful that I have Brad, Tate, and Knox to share it with.  So that's what I hold onto, I guess.  When I think about that awful July day that my life literally turned upside-down, I have to stop and be thankful for how far we have come since then.  My heart is scarred - it's been beaten, broken, and shattered.  But I'm learning, ever so slowly, how to keep living.  I truly believe my heart will never be entirely whole again, but I have faith that I will continue to find new happinesses in the days ahead.

Hope you have a blessed 2011!
Love to y'all,
Tracy