Four Months.

I cannot believe yesterday marked the four month anniversary of Nash's death. It's still so difficult to even write these words - it makes them so real; too real. Every month on the first, I find myself replaying the horrible events of that day over in my mind. Each time I look at the clock I can remember what I was doing at that exact time on July 1st... 10am I decided to get on a plane...12:00pm I said good-bye to my parents at the airport, still not really knowing why I felt I needed to get to Nash...3:00pm I arrived in Omaha and Brad's aunt picked me up...4:00pm I was told Nash would be coming to Omaha by helicopter...5:15pm I was being driven to Sioux City, Iowa when we found out Nash was not stable enough to bring him to Omaha...5:37pm my little boy was peacefully taken to be with Jesus and I was still on my way to him...7:00pm I got to the hospital to find Nash wrapped warmly in blankets in the arms of my father-in-law and MY WORLD STOPPED...7:01pm Nash was put into my arms as I sat and rocked him...7:15pm I called Brad to tell him that his little boy was gone... 1:15am I held Nash for the very last time and then gave his precious body over to a nurse...I don't know if these thoughts will ever subside. They are still so clear and so raw and so horrifying. And on the first of every month, I go through them over and over again.

I apologize if this is difficult to read. My last intention is to upset anyone. However, I feel better expressing my feelings and I feel comfortable doing so in this way. And I think I have hope that all who read this will offer up their prayers for our family and that is what we so desperately need more than anything. So thank you for reading this. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for thinking of my sweet little boy, Nash.

I went to a special Mass this afternoon remembering all those who have died this year. We were asked to bring a photograph of our loved one to put in the front of the church. When we got there, I went to give Nash's picture to a lady to put on the display. I just kept looking at all the other photographs of people so much older than my little boy. His sweet face seemed to stand out among the others. It was a very emotional service - they even read his name during a song and a special prayer. It meant so much to me to hear that. It reminded me that no matter how long he's been gone that he was here. He mattered. He touched lives.

As much as I miss him, I came away from Mass today with a peace about me. I was reading a book the other day and someone posed this question about someone who has died: "Can we really say we lost someone when we know where he is?" No. Nash is NOT lost. I know exactly where he is and I also have faith that we will be reunited with him when God calls us to leave this earthly place. Believing this with all my heart gets me through the darkest hours.

Prayer For Those Who Mourn

Grant, O Lord, to all who are bereaved

the spirit of faith and courage,

that they may have strength to meet

the days to come

with steadfastness and patience;

not sorrowing as those without hope,

but in thankful remembrance of your great

goodness,

and in the joyful expectation of eternal life

with those they love.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love to y'all.

Tracy