But

Today at school, all the parents of next year's Kindergartners are coming to sign their kids up for next year.  I should be joining them.  I should be a part of it.  I should have a little boy, eager to become a Brinker Bear like his big brother. 

But I don't. 

My heart is heavy today.  I keep glancing at Nash's picture, trying to imagine him as a five year old.  He'd be so big...  I'm sure Tate would be telling him all about what to expect next year... the teachers' names, how lunch works, what they do at recess.  And Nash would be soaking it all in, waiting for August to roll around. 

But he isn't.

I don't like days like today.  They sneak up on me and pull at me; leaving me drained and sad.  So, so sad.  Most days are better than this.  I wish I could skip over them or at least press a fast forward button.  Anything to move to another day.

But I can't.

I'm jealous of all the moms in our foyer today.  Filling out the paperwork, handing in the immunization forms, asking the questions.  I got to be that mom last year and I should get to be that mom again this year.  Two years in a row.  I remember when Nash was born, I thought about what it would be like for my boys to go to school together only one year apart.  I was so excited for all they would experience together.  I even figured out that Tate would have Nash at his same school for nine of the thirteen years. That's going to be so fun, I thought.

But it won't.

I miss my son every minute of every day.  Every ounce of me is incomplete all the time. 

But... somedays are so much harder. 

Love to y'all,
Tracy