Questions From a Big Brother

I've known that Tate would be affected by Nash's death differently as time went on.  Although he couldn't articulate it, he grieved for his baby brother in the first weeks following his death.  It was in July 2008 that Tate became suddenly attached to his green blankie... the one he still carries around over two years later. 

Over the years, Tate talks about Nash a lot.  He knows he's in heaven.  He knows he's with God and Jesus.  He has asked when we'll get to see him again.  I know he doesn't understand all of this quite yet... I mean, do any of us, really?  So I've always given him the best answers that I could come up with.

Last night, as I was tucking him into bed, we were saying prayers.  We always thank God for taking care of Nash in heaven.  It was at this point that Tate began asking me questions.  "But where is heaven?"  "How far is it?" And the list continued.  He then asked me why some people have to go to heaven.  So I said, "People go to heaven when they die."  And then came the question that is so innocent and so simple, but hurt so much to hear him ask... "Did Nash die?" 

As much as we've talked about Nash and where he is, I don't know if I've ever said those words to him.  "Nash died."  Just typing them seems strange and uncomfortable.  It was so difficult for me to answer him.  He asked me how he died and I told him it was because his heart didn't work the way it was supposed to.   He seemed to understand this as best he could. 

As we talked, Tate got a little teary-eyed, saying he missed Nash.  So I just reassured him that someday we'd all be with him again in heaven.  But instead of comforting him, these words made him get more emotional because he said he "wanted to stay here at our house." 

It's just such a hard thing to explain to a four year old.  Most kids his age just accept heaven as a place where God is and leave it as that.  But Tate has true questions about it... the same ones that we all do.  And unfortunately, all  I can do is try my best to explain something that I don't even quite understand. 

I know Tate will continue to question his brother's death.  His grief may deepen before he actually begins to heal.  I just pray that I can help him along in his journey by both comforting him and honoring his baby brother.

Love to y'all,
Tracy