Last week, Tate and I were at school early one morning, and I was getting ready for my day. I was bustling around my classroom - checking email, grabbing my first cup of coffee, looking over lesson plans - you know, "teachery stuff." Tate was writing on my white board, waiting to head to class. At some point I glanced up to see what he was doing and he had written a colorful collage of messages that read, "Tate is awesome! Knox is awesome! Brady is awesome! Nash is awesome!" Of course it made me smile to see that he had included Nash in his writing. But, at the same time, it didn't surprise me because Tate is so great about including his brother in his everyday life. He brings him up time and time again, and each time it melts my heart.
But on this particular morning, the heart melting when one step farther... I told Tate that I loved what he wrote on my board and he then explained to me how he chose which color to write each sentence, "Mine is red because it's my favorite color; Knox's is green because it's his favorite color, Brady's is purple because it's her favorite color; and Nash's is blue because that was his favorite color."
What?
According to Tate, Nash's favorite color would be blue.
Blue.
Blue like his perfect little eyes and like the blanket I swaddled him in. Blue like the sky I look up at to see if I can catch just a glimpse of him watching down on us. Blue.
There's so much about my little boy that I've always wondered... What would be his favorite sport? His favorite dessert? What foods would he despise? Would he love to read or do math? Play Monopoly? What movie would he make me watch over and over again?
On most days, I've come to accept that I'm not ever going to know the answers to these questions. But, because of one very loving, honest, and sensitive eight year old boy, I learned something that I never dreamed I would know...
His favorite color was blue.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Monday, September 15, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
Bookin' Along
Latest Book Update....
Any day now I should receive the entire book mock up (all pages with text and illustrations) from the publisher. I already okayed the preview (the first few pages) - so now I'm just waiting on seeing the entire thing. I'm beyond excited about our progress.
Now that the illustrations are finished, the process goes pretty quickly. I talk to the publishers, giving them my vision and answering their questions. They work for a few days and then they send me a proof. I either suggest changes or approve what they did. And this just keeps repeating for every aspect of the book.
I do need to note that my brother felt so badly about taking such a long time to get the illustrations finished. However, now that they're done and I can see how beautiful they are, I completely understand. Even though I've assured him it was well worth the wait, he still feels badly. So much so, he asked me to share the following:
To our Family and Friends
Any day now I should receive the entire book mock up (all pages with text and illustrations) from the publisher. I already okayed the preview (the first few pages) - so now I'm just waiting on seeing the entire thing. I'm beyond excited about our progress.
Now that the illustrations are finished, the process goes pretty quickly. I talk to the publishers, giving them my vision and answering their questions. They work for a few days and then they send me a proof. I either suggest changes or approve what they did. And this just keeps repeating for every aspect of the book.
I do need to note that my brother felt so badly about taking such a long time to get the illustrations finished. However, now that they're done and I can see how beautiful they are, I completely understand. Even though I've assured him it was well worth the wait, he still feels badly. So much so, he asked me to share the following:
To our Family and Friends
On behalf of my wife and myself, we would like to thank everyone for their patience in regards to our illustration work. We did everything by hand and there is very little room for error with our chosen mediums, so this process took much longer than anticipated.
Nash is our nephew and we wanted to do our best in his honor and I feel we accomplished that goal. We felt compelled to give all that have donated to the publication of this book a quality product and we strongly feel we met that end as well. However, I cannot thank you all enough for your patience and your faith in our little team of author and illustrators.
With much love,
Trent and Kara Smith
I'll be sure to let y'all know more details as they come. My goal is to have the book available for purchase by Thanksgiving!!!
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Ready or Not...
I can't believe I've gone almost an entire month without catching up on here. This summer seriously got away from me! How is it possible that the school year is about to start in T-minus two days!? I swear that every year, the summer flies by even faster! One day, I'm celebrating the upcoming two months of pools, sleeping in (ok, maybe not), and time with my own kiddos, and then before I know it, I'm back perusing Pinterest for the latest and greatest classroom ideas.
Wow.
Looking back, I can pretty much sum our summer up in fourwords: Baseball, Iowa, Birthday, and Austin.
Baseball - Games, practices, hitting coach, tournaments, Tball for Knox,basking baking in the Texas sun...
Iowa - Boating, BB gun shooting, picking up Daddy's new (old) truck, fishing, kayaking, fireworks, and TONS of family time!!!
Birthday - EIGHT year old!, cupcakes, fave gift - new glove!
Austin - Lost Pines, swimming pools, water slides, lazy river, sleepovers, family time!
This summer was truly the best I've had in a long, long time. I'm usually pretty ready to head back to school, but this year, I was actually praying for the days to slow down a little bit. I'm thankful that going back to an incredible school FULL of some of my most favorite people (teachers, students, and parents!) makes this transition a little easier at least. Good luck to all of you starting a new school year!
Another summer... in the books!
Love to y'all,
TracyTracy
Wow.
Looking back, I can pretty much sum our summer up in fourwords: Baseball, Iowa, Birthday, and Austin.
Baseball - Games, practices, hitting coach, tournaments, Tball for Knox,
Austin - Lost Pines, swimming pools, water slides, lazy river, sleepovers, family time!
This summer was truly the best I've had in a long, long time. I'm usually pretty ready to head back to school, but this year, I was actually praying for the days to slow down a little bit. I'm thankful that going back to an incredible school FULL of some of my most favorite people (teachers, students, and parents!) makes this transition a little easier at least. Good luck to all of you starting a new school year!
Another summer... in the books!
Love to y'all,
TracyTracy
Monday, July 28, 2014
Soooooo Close!
I've been cooped up since last week after having an ulnar nerve decompression surgery... It's from having cubital tunnel - which is a similar to carpal tunnel - just a different nerve. Anyway, I've been meaning to catch y'all up on my book's progrees, but between typing with only my left hand and my little rugrats taking my laptop, it's takimg me forever!
One of the "little rugrats"
My very talented sis-in-law hard at work
Here's just a few...
A huge pile of candy
HOME RUN!!!
I know I'm biased, but these are pretty stinkin' awesome, right?!
Love to y'all,Tracy
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
You Say His Name
Yesterday on FB, there was a post going around called This is How You Stop the World. It basically talked about how terrifying it is for a grieving mom to feel like their child has been forgotten. I've said this countless times myself. As I sat reading the post, tears brimming, I sent up a silent thank you to you all...
For six years, I've felt nothing but love, support, and encouragement from y'all. And although I worry about people forgetting Nash, you have assured me in millions of ways that you will not let that happen. YOU SAY HIS NAME. I'm so truly grateful for that. You tell me when you think of him. You tell me you dreamt of him. You tell me he makes you a better mom to your own little loves. It may make you uncomfortable, not knowing exactly what to say. But you do it anyway and it's always perfect. I am blessed.
We got home from Iowa a few days ago and life is rolling on. July 1st is always the worst day of the year, but July 2nd and July 15th and every other day on the calendar are really hard too. Because my son... my true love... my perfect little baby isn't here. And yet, as my heart aches, I find comfort everyday in YOU, my friends.
So today I wanted to thank you for saying his name. Please continue to say it over and over again. I am honored that my five month old baby boy lives in so many people's hearts all over the world.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
For six years, I've felt nothing but love, support, and encouragement from y'all. And although I worry about people forgetting Nash, you have assured me in millions of ways that you will not let that happen. YOU SAY HIS NAME. I'm so truly grateful for that. You tell me when you think of him. You tell me you dreamt of him. You tell me he makes you a better mom to your own little loves. It may make you uncomfortable, not knowing exactly what to say. But you do it anyway and it's always perfect. I am blessed.
We got home from Iowa a few days ago and life is rolling on. July 1st is always the worst day of the year, but July 2nd and July 15th and every other day on the calendar are really hard too. Because my son... my true love... my perfect little baby isn't here. And yet, as my heart aches, I find comfort everyday in YOU, my friends.
So today I wanted to thank you for saying his name. Please continue to say it over and over again. I am honored that my five month old baby boy lives in so many people's hearts all over the world.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Monday, June 30, 2014
The Calm Before the Storm
Tomorrow is it.
Six years since my precious little boy went to heaven.
How can that even be possible?
Every year on the night of June 30, I think back to 2008... My two boys were up in Iowa with Brad's parents, waiting for us to come join them for a fun 4th of July... Brad and I ate fajitas for dinner... We moved furniture because our carpets were being cleaned the next day... THE NEXT DAY... I still hate getting my carpets cleaned.
Every June 30 I want to scream back at the person I was. I want to tell her: THIS IS IT! Life as you know it will never be the same. This is the last time you will drift off to sleep feeling full and complete. Enjoy these last few hours.
Sometimes I can picture myself on the morning of July 1, 2008 - the complete blindside. The phonecalls, the panic, the emergency plane ride, the prayers. I watch myself like a movie, and wonder, "Is that really ME?"
Then I remember.
Six years later, I'm proud of how far we've come and where we are. But most days, I still think about my little one all day long. Tomorrow is no exception...
Baby Nash...
Six years is way too long, Buddy. How has it been over 2,000 days since I've had you in my arms, looked into your big blue eyes, and felt your tiny fingers around mine? How have I lived so long without you?
Even though we can't see you, I know that you're right here. I know that no matter how far apart we are, or how many days have gone by, you are just a breath away. I see you in your brothers and sister. I see you in your Daddy. I see you everywhere I look.
Tomorrow we are going to celebrate your life, sweet boy. Our family is going to be together (like we always are on July1st) and give thanks for YOU. You have impacted each of us in a profound way and we are grateful to you for that. You are a constant reminder to fight hard, to live well, and to love deeply. I'm so incredibly proud to be your mama.
Nash, as I write this, I can see across the lake to the cemetery... And the ache in my heart is almost too much. It's nights like this that I wish so much I could just hold you one last time. Just one more kiss. One more squeeze. One more whispered, "I love you."
I miss you, Buddy. I miss you so much. Please look down on us tomorrow. Although it may seem that we are sad, it's only because you are loved so very, very much.
Good night, my little Nash. I love you always.
Mommy
Six years since my precious little boy went to heaven.
How can that even be possible?
Every year on the night of June 30, I think back to 2008... My two boys were up in Iowa with Brad's parents, waiting for us to come join them for a fun 4th of July... Brad and I ate fajitas for dinner... We moved furniture because our carpets were being cleaned the next day... THE NEXT DAY... I still hate getting my carpets cleaned.
Every June 30 I want to scream back at the person I was. I want to tell her: THIS IS IT! Life as you know it will never be the same. This is the last time you will drift off to sleep feeling full and complete. Enjoy these last few hours.
Sometimes I can picture myself on the morning of July 1, 2008 - the complete blindside. The phonecalls, the panic, the emergency plane ride, the prayers. I watch myself like a movie, and wonder, "Is that really ME?"
Then I remember.
Six years later, I'm proud of how far we've come and where we are. But most days, I still think about my little one all day long. Tomorrow is no exception...
Baby Nash...
Six years is way too long, Buddy. How has it been over 2,000 days since I've had you in my arms, looked into your big blue eyes, and felt your tiny fingers around mine? How have I lived so long without you?
Even though we can't see you, I know that you're right here. I know that no matter how far apart we are, or how many days have gone by, you are just a breath away. I see you in your brothers and sister. I see you in your Daddy. I see you everywhere I look.
Tomorrow we are going to celebrate your life, sweet boy. Our family is going to be together (like we always are on July1st) and give thanks for YOU. You have impacted each of us in a profound way and we are grateful to you for that. You are a constant reminder to fight hard, to live well, and to love deeply. I'm so incredibly proud to be your mama.
Nash, as I write this, I can see across the lake to the cemetery... And the ache in my heart is almost too much. It's nights like this that I wish so much I could just hold you one last time. Just one more kiss. One more squeeze. One more whispered, "I love you."
I miss you, Buddy. I miss you so much. Please look down on us tomorrow. Although it may seem that we are sad, it's only because you are loved so very, very much.
Good night, my little Nash. I love you always.
Mommy
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Minus One
The hardest week of the year is here. Every year, I feel myself counting down to July 1st. First the months,
then the days, and then the hours. It's like a time bomb that I know
is coming, but there's nothing I can do to hide from it. And yet as strange as it may sound, part of me relishes this week. I think back six years and remember when I lived a "normal" life. Before I knew true pain, heartache, and grief. Back when my life was exactly like I had always dreamed of. Back when I was the same as everyone else.
In a few days we leave for our annual trip to Iowa to celebrate Nash's life surrounded by those that love us and love him. I always look forward to our two weeks spent with Brad's family, but wish it was under different circumstances. Sometimes I try to imagine heading north for just a "normal" family vacation... Brad, me, and our FOUR babies. And yet just as people that haven't walked my path cannot imagine my pain, I cannot imagine the burden-less freedom I would feel as a complete family of six. I truly cannot even begin to picture the pure contentment of that.
And so I don't.
I know that my family will always be minus one. Always. Every second of every day, we are without a piece to our puzzle.
I read this somewhere, and it resonates so deeply...
"There is one thing that changed when you left... EVERYTHING."
Love to y'all,
Tracy
In a few days we leave for our annual trip to Iowa to celebrate Nash's life surrounded by those that love us and love him. I always look forward to our two weeks spent with Brad's family, but wish it was under different circumstances. Sometimes I try to imagine heading north for just a "normal" family vacation... Brad, me, and our FOUR babies. And yet just as people that haven't walked my path cannot imagine my pain, I cannot imagine the burden-less freedom I would feel as a complete family of six. I truly cannot even begin to picture the pure contentment of that.
And so I don't.
I know that my family will always be minus one. Always. Every second of every day, we are without a piece to our puzzle.
I read this somewhere, and it resonates so deeply...
"There is one thing that changed when you left... EVERYTHING."
Love to y'all,
Tracy
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