Dear Nash

Hi Buddy...

As I'm sure you know, last weekend we did our SEVENTH March For Babies in honor and memory of YOU.  While most of the time I get much satisfaction working with March of Dimes to help other people's babies, this time of year is always very bittersweet for me.  I'm super proud of the legacy you have left behind - tiny, little YOU making such a difference to so many babies. And I know that I'm blessed that we have an abundance of love, support, and encouragement as we ask people to celebrate and remember you every spring.

But, then again, it's this walk that always seems to tightly pull at my heart as it gets closer.  As happy as I am to participate, I'm also devastated that I have a reason to.  It's on these days that the "why me's" and the "it's not fairs" repeat in my brain over and over again.  The questions are endless... Why can't I be the one supporting a friend along this journey instead of the other way around?  Why is this the path I have to be on?  Why can't my family be the "normal" one - where true family pictures DON'T revolve around yellow balloons and gravestones?  Why is this the story I must tell?  Why is MY son the reason OTHER babies can now be born healthy?  Why do we have to save other people's babies?  Why didn't anyone save mine?

So, Nash, as I walked on Satuday, I was grateful to be surrounded by loving, prayerful, strong people that have been there to lift me up in times like these  But, to be honest, my heart just ached with every step that day.  It was a day that I just wished I had you back.

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  
Loving you forever,
Mommy

On My Mind

As many of y'all know, we're about to walk in the March For Babies for the seventh time.  I've been thinking a lot about how different things are since our first time attending this event back in 2009.  So much has happened, so much has changed.  Lately, I've been thinking about how my mind used to think about losing Nash every second of every day.  And now, almost seven years after he's been gone, it doesn't do that anymore.  Part of me is sad to think that I'm not grieving in the same way that I did at the beginning and then the other part of me is proud for making great strides in this process.  So the other day, I started wondering how often I actually do think of Nash in a day, and I was surprised by what I found...

While blow drying my hair that morning, I automatically glanced at the picture of a two month old Nash in the frame on our bathroom counter - his sweet face, surrounded by bubbles in the baby tub he used to bathe in.  Then, in the car on the way to school, I listened to a country station that is constantly advertising it's night broadcast, called "Nash Nights Live."  Every time I hear those words, they make me smile.  At lunch that afternoon, my friends and I were talking about having new babies and were comparing each of our kids.  I told them about my four kids' temperaments as little ones; Nash's name rolling off my tongue easily.  And the best part?  No one flinched or showed any ounce of uncomfortableness at the sound of his name. After school, I headed to a doctor appointment after school, and had Tate, Knox, and Brady with me.  As the nurse led us to the exam room, she glanced at the kids, and said, "Wow... you got the whole crew with you!"  I just smiled, but what I was thinking was, "No, actually it's not really the 'WHOLE crew.'"  If she only knew...  On the way home, I found myself looking for cars with NSH at the beginning of their license plates, just because when I find them, it makes me feel closer to him.  I didn't see any that day though.  At night, I noticed my mind drifted to Nash quite often, especially while checking on my sleeping kids; seeing their perfect little faces and wondering where a fourth one would fit into the chaos that is our life.  And finally, I ended that night like I do every night... Before closing my eyes, I glanced towards the window, to where I know he's looking down on me, and whispered him an "I love you," just in case he was listening.

So after being conscious about it for one full day, I found that although I may not be in tears every waking moment like I was seven years ago, my mind is always on my baby.  But the difference is that now I can think of him with a smile more often than not.  I know now that the missing him part will never stop and the loving him part will continue to grow whether he's here or not.  And for this, I'm grateful.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Saving Babies

Every spring, I am honored and humbled as my family and friends gather to remember Nash at March of Dimes' annual March For Babies event in Dallas.  It is a bittersweet time of both remembrance and hope as we think of the children that have left us too soon and those that have - and will- be saved because of the hard work of this incredible organization.

And every February I begin my personal campaign to raise money to help the March of Dimes in it's endeavors.  After all, just two years ago, it was with the MOD that I lobbied in Austin to get
House Bill 740 passed.  This lifesaving bill requires all Texas newborns be screened for Critical Congenital Heart Defects before being released to go home from the hospital.  This is just the tip of the iceberg as far as the ways that MOD is helping OUR children.  Yours and mine. 

So what's the best way to be a part of March of  Dimes?  What can you do to literally save babies?  It's simple - DONATE!  Click on the link HERE or on the sidebar and donate today!    

To get things off on the right foot, check this out:  As you probably know, Home Runs in Heaven is officially published and out there for anyone who needs it.  I cannot tell you how thankful I am for your generosity in getting it to this point.  If y'all remember, last year at this time, after my crowdfunding campaign ended, y'all had donated over $13,000 through the website Pubslush in order to help me publish my book! 

And as promised, now that the book is d.o.n.e. I have donated the remaining amount to the March of Dimes.  Sooooo.... I officially made a $5,518.04 donation last week! 

My goal this year is reach the $10,000 mark!  If your family is looking for a charity that makes a difference, then let it be March of Dimes.  Feel free to share, post, tweet, retweet, and anything else you can think of to help save babies.  Let's do this!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Good Bye, Old Girl...

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't thinking that today's events would be burned into my memory.  But they are.  It's one of those days that you know is coming, but you wish upon wish that it's far, far away despite what logic is telling you.  

You see, our 11 1/2 year old chocolate lab, McCarney has been declining A LOT in the past six months.  When we got home from Iowa this summer, she really began to show her age, and Brad and I knew that she didn't have many years left with us.  Then in August she started losing weight fast and became more and more lethargic every day.  Her sweet and loving demeanor didn't change for an instant and so we remained hopeful that her time with us would continue for many more months.  But a couple weeks ago, we took her to get boarded when we went to Iowa for Christmas, and she only weighed 50 pounds (when we were used to being scolded for her being above 65). 

Since we got home from Iowa one week ago, our poor baby girl has been sleeping away everyday.  She doesn't join the family upstairs to cuddle before the kids go to bed.  Brad has been having to lift her onto our bed every night because she can't jump that high anymore.  She's having accidents everyday; sometimes multiple times a day.  And a couple days ago, she stopped eating.  Anyone with a lab knows this is NOT a good sign...

So yesterday I made an appointment for this morning to see what we needed to do to help her stay comfortable as long as possible.  But as soon as the vet came into the room, I burst into tears, telling her that I knew what she was going to say to me...

And I was right.

They believed McCarney to have cancer (which we suspected for the last year or so) that has spread throughout her entire body.  The doctor said that her decline was happening fast and that we didn't have much more time with her.  After talking it through, we decided today was the day we had to put her down.  Reluctantly, McCarney and I left the vet to go home to say good bye to the kids.  

What took place in our family room minutes later was both heartbreaking and heartwarming.  Tate was devastated and immediately became overwhelmed with sadness and tears.  Knox asked some questions (which he has continued asking throughout the day) about the logistics of getting to heaven.  And Ms. Brady was excited that McCarney would be with her big brother, Nash.  

After my parents came over to give our sweet dog hugs and to watch the kids, Brad and I got her back in the car and drove the mile back to the vet.  I have to say that everyone in that office was more than compassionate about what we were having to do and were so gentle with our precious girl.  

As the vet injected McCarney with the meds that would send her to heaven, Brad and I sat on the floor with her, whispering to her how we have enjoyed having her as our first baby.  We reminded her how much she is loved.  And I told her to make sure to find her little brother, Nash, as soon as she could, and that he would be so, so happy to play with her again. 

After a quick thirty seconds, she slumped over and went limp.  And that was it.  She was gone.

She's gone.

It's funny how much a dog can have a hold on your heart.  McCarney has been a part of our family through our biggest ups and our deepest downs.  Not having her here definitely leaves a hole that only her sweet paw print can fill.

Our Dearest McCarney Girl,
Although I know that today was your day to go, my heart aches at the thought of going to bed tonight without you nestled at my feet.  You were our first baby and we've loved you ever since that summer day that we brought you home to live with us when you were only six weeks old.  The runt of the litter.  Do you remember?  

We've had lots of good times, huh?  Remember how you used to go to all of Daddy's softball games and steal everyone hearts (and eat all the gum and sunflower seeds you could find)?  Or remember jumping into Grandma's pool and fetching toys over and over and over again for all those summers?  Or the time when you saw a squirrel and jumped so hard against the screen that you ended up outside and the neighbor had to bring you home?  Remember Tate, Nash, Knox, and Brady when they first came home from the hospital and you spent lots of time sniffing them before you gave them your approval?  

McCarney, you wove your way into every member of this family, and we are all so sad to see you go.  Please know how hard it was to make this decision today.  If there was something that we could've done, we would've done it, okay?  We just wanted you to be whole again.  

So, Baby Girl, go play fetch with Nash.  Run and run and run to your heart's content.  Bark as loud as you want.  Eat peanut butter and ice cream for every meal.  And please, don't forget how much happiness you brought to our family.

We love you and miss you.  
Always, 
Mommy

 

 

McCarney Sievers

May 1, 2003 - January 3, 2015

Happy New Year?

Like the rest of the world, a New Year represents a new a beginning for me.  A fresh start.  You know... well-intentioned resolutions, a list of to-dos, and a positive outlook to go along with it.  Yet, on the eve of such an iconic day, my thoughts always come to a crossroads... I feel myself standing on the corner of Hope and Despair...

Just the idea of a new year is disheartening for anyone dealing with a loss.  I was just explaining it to a friend as being such a stark reminder of time passing.  I will never forget New Year's 2009 - it was devastating to think that Nash would never see it.  Something was comforting about remaining in 2008, and I didn't want to move past that.  This year, the feelings are still there and they're no different than in years past.  New Year's Day falls on the 6 1/2 year anniversary of Nash's death... Last year it was 5 1/2 years, the year before was 4 1/2... It's pretty tough to start the year on such a glaring reminder of the absence of someone that means the most to you. 

So this year, Brad and I will be with friends tonight celebrating alongside the rest of the world.  And like you, I will raise my glass to toast the future, but even more importantly, to honor the past.  I may not be up for big plans or large endeavors, but I will do what I can to make 2015 better than 2014.  I will carry hope in my heart like I have on all the New Year's past.  I will continue to look for the silver lining, see the glass half full, and dance in the rain... but just because six and half years have gone by without my little one, I won't kid myself that this journey gets any easier. 

Because it doesn't.

God Bless and Happy New Year Y'all,
Tracy

Getting it Out There

Okay, so this book publishing thing is a LOT overwhelming for a LOT of reasons...

First off, I cannot get over the amount of support and encouragement I've gotten from so many people.  Not only are people leaving me the most heartfelt and sweet messages, emails, texts, etc., but people have actually bought the book!!!  I'm just in awe thinking that families are actually reading this to their kids.  My message is actually getting out there!?  Crazy.  Lots of people have told me they've bought multiple copies to give as gifts this holiday season, which is such a great idea. 

Secondly, I'm overwhelmed with the actual process of getting the book out there for the public to find.  I know it's a long shot to actually get my book into bookstores - and it's not like I wrote it to become the newest best seller anyway.  I mean, let's be honest here.  I really hate that people even have a need to get the book in the first place.  But that's my dilemma...

The entire purpose in me writing the book was to have something out there that explained heaven in "kid terms." So if people other than y'all (who know me) need a book on this subject, what's the first thing they do?  Go to Google or Amazon, right?  Herein lies the problem:  if you merely search children's books about heaven, death, grief, etc. my book doesn't pop up.  A bunch of stuff from Amazon does, but I learned that my book won't show up because it's all based on number of copies sold.  Also, on ratings, etc.  So... I'm wondering if any of y'all could help me out here.  You've already done an amazing job of buying the book, but you know how on Amazon you can "rate" a book or write a review for it?  I would be so honored if anyone who has purchased the book (and liked it!) to write a brief review on it.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you just have to click on the yellow box marked, "Write a Customer Review."  It would be pretty great to see that my book has some yellow stars by it. 

In the meantime, I'm overwhelmed at trying to talk to local people about having my book available to them.  This time of year is crazy to begin with and I don't know exactly how to start.  But I'm thinking I should reach out to local churches, religious schools, bereavement groups, and maybe small Christian businesses to ask if they'd be interested in having the book onhand.  If anyone around DFW (or anywhere really) knows a place that could use my book to help in their ministry, I would LOVE to hear about them. 

I'm sooooo not a salesman and don't really want to be.  But I also know that after pouring my heart and soul into this project, I need to do my best to see it through to fruition.  I need to get it out there. I need it to help children the way I intended from the beginning.

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!
Love to y'all,
Tracy

This. Is. Happening.

If you're reading this post, you may have noticed the new link just off to the right.  If not, go ahead and glance over... I'll wait..

See it?  

DID YOU SEE IT?!

If you click on that pretty little book cover, you'll be smack dab on the Home Runs in Heaven link via Amazon!!!  Seriously.  My book is DONE!!!

I already ordered my first shipment of books that I will be giving out to all the families that donated $100 or more to my Pubslush crowd funding campaign back in January.  So don't worry, I haven't forgotten about y'all.

At this point, I'm just completely lost for words... which is weird, right?  I cannot believe that this is happening.  My baby's legacy is literally in print for the world to see. 
 
Baby Nash, your mommy loves you so much.  I know you're smiling down on us today and always.

Love to y'all,
Tracy