The Calm Before the Storm

Tomorrow is it.

Six years since my precious little boy went to heaven.

How can that even be possible?

Every year on the night of June 30, I think back to 2008... My two boys were up in Iowa with Brad's parents, waiting for us to come join them for a fun 4th of July...  Brad and I ate fajitas for dinner...  We moved furniture because our carpets were being cleaned the next day... THE NEXT DAY... I still hate getting my carpets cleaned.

Every June 30 I want to scream back at the person I was.  I want to tell her: THIS IS IT!  Life as you know it will never be the same.  This is the last time you will drift off to sleep feeling full and complete.  Enjoy these last few hours.

Sometimes I can picture myself on the morning of July 1, 2008 - the complete blindside.  The phonecalls, the panic, the emergency plane ride, the prayers.  I watch myself like a movie, and wonder, "Is that really ME?" 

Then I remember. 

Six years later, I'm proud of how far we've come and where we are. But most days, I still think about my little one all day long.  Tomorrow is no exception...

Baby Nash...
Six years is way too long, Buddy.  How has it been over 2,000 days since I've had you in my arms, looked into your big blue eyes, and felt your tiny fingers around mine?  How have I lived so long without you?
Even though we can't see you, I know that you're right here.  I know that no matter how far apart we are, or how many days have gone by, you are just a breath away.  I see you in your brothers and sister.  I see you in your Daddy.  I see you everywhere I look.
Tomorrow we are going to celebrate your life, sweet boy.  Our family is going to be together (like we always are on July1st) and give thanks for YOU.  You have impacted each of us in a profound way and we are grateful to you for that.  You are a constant reminder to fight hard, to live well, and to love deeply.  I'm so incredibly proud to be your mama.
Nash, as I write this, I can see across the lake to the cemetery... And the ache in my heart is almost too much.  It's nights like this that I wish so much I could just hold you one last time.  Just one more kiss.  One more squeeze.  One more whispered, "I love you."
I miss you, Buddy.  I miss you so much.  Please look down on us tomorrow.  Although it may seem that we are sad, it's only because you are loved so very, very much. 
Good night, my little Nash.  I love you always.
Mommy

Minus One

The hardest week of the year is here. Every year, I feel myself counting down to July 1st.  First the months, then the days, and then the hours.  It's like a time bomb that I know is coming, but there's nothing I can do to hide from it.  And yet as strange as it may sound, part of me relishes this week.  I think back six years and remember when I lived a "normal" life.  Before I knew true pain, heartache, and grief. Back when my life was exactly like I had always dreamed of.  Back when I was the same as everyone else.

In a few days we leave for our annual trip to Iowa to celebrate Nash's life surrounded by those that love us and love him.  I always look forward to our two weeks spent with Brad's family, but wish it was under different circumstances.  Sometimes I try to imagine  heading north for just a "normal" family vacation... Brad, me, and our FOUR babies.  And yet just as people that haven't walked my path cannot imagine my pain, I cannot imagine the burden-less freedom I would feel as a complete family of six.  I truly cannot even begin to picture the pure contentment of that.  

And so I don't.  

I know that my family will always be minus one.  Always.  Every second of every day, we are without a piece to our puzzle.   

I read this somewhere, and it resonates so deeply...

"There is one thing that changed when you left... EVERYTHING."

Love to y'all,
Tracy

About the Author

I am SO super excited to announce that the cover of Home Runs in Heaven is being designed at the publishers AS WE SPEAK TYPE.  I should get a proof by early next week at the latest.  I'm so stinkin' pumped!!!

One dilemma...

The. Back. Cover.

While talking to my consultant, she told me I'll need a summary of my book and a short "Author Bio."  Sounds simple enough, right?  That's what I thought too.  Boy, was I wrong.  I think I'm good on the summary, but the bio?  Not so much.  I've been searching online and looking through my kids' books to try to get an idea of what to do.  What do I include? What do I NOT include? How do I make it original and yet not too cheesy?  And that's when I realized this is much harder than I thought.

The thing that makes this difficult is that everything I read says to say why you're an "expert" on what you're writing about.  HUH?  Expert?  Me?  On heaven, or grief, or loss?  Are you kidding me?  I'm as clueless as the next guy. 

The second problem is that I need to somehow bridge this "expert" part with the "fluffy" part of the bio - like where we live, my family, and my interests/hobbies.  I'm not sure how exactly to do this either. 

Hmmmmm....  Here's what I have at this point...

Tracy Sievers is a wife, mother, and elementary school teacher with a knack for telling it like it is.  She’s loved writing since she was a little girl, and finally put her pen to paper in her first children’s book, Home Runs in Heaven.  In 2008, Tracy lost her infant son to an undiagnosed heart defect and has spent much of her time since then searching for ways to help other families dealing with loss and grief.  Tracy, her husband, and their three remaining children live in Plano, Texas.  She enjoys reading, writing her blog, traveling, and of course, watching her children on the baseball diamond.

If y'all have ANY ideas or thoughts or criticisms, PLEASE let me know!!! 

Oh, one more thing: I'm supposed to include a picture of myself to put on the back cover as well.  That's almost laughable!  I don't have ANY pics of me by myself and I'm pretty sure they aren't talking about taking a quick little selfie.  Ahhhhh!!!  Wish me luck!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

To the Class of 2014

Tis the season for graduation... whether it be preschool, fifth grade, high school, or college, graduation is upon us.  Sooo... I thought it fitting to dedicate a post to these kiddos.

I must say that this time of year always fills me with a sense of hope.  Being a teacher and a mom, I feel like I have a pretty well-rounded perspective on the graduation thing.  As the mama, you're bursting with pride.  You cannot believe that your baby can now fill in the blank (read, write, pass the STAAR test, go to college, etc.).  And as you watch them take that step from one chapter to the next, your heartstrings get tugged pretty stinkin' hard.  And you think to yourself, "How can they be growing up so fast?"  But, in the end, you're just so proud.  So proud of who they are and who they are becoming.

On the other hand... As a teacher, you can finally breathe a sigh of relief, knowing you did your job and you did it well.  You know that the kids that you were blessed with that year KNOW how much you love them and how much you want for them.  They are well-prepared for their upcoming journey, and they know who to call on if they get lost on their way.  Like your own children, you are so proud of who your students are and who are they are becoming.

Personally speaking, this is a bittersweet end of the school year for me.  I've been a teacher for 12 years (five teaching 1st grade and seven as the Gifted and Talented teacher).  In fact, the first graders I taught in my very first year of teaching are getting ready to graduate.  WOW!!!  Time has flown.  But... next year, like my students, I'm beginning a new chapter as well: I'm going back into the classroom to be a fifth grade teacher.  I'm so super duper excited about it, and maybe just a little bit overwhelmed too.  I'm very comfortable in my current position, but I think I'm in need of something different; a challenge.  So, here we go.

One of my favorite parts of my current job is that I get to teach all grade levels (K-5), but for a long time now, it seems like fifth is always the grade I click with the best.  When this school year started, I wasn't thinking about changing positions for next year.  And to be honest, the group of fifth graders I teach in the GT program are really the ones responsible for my change of heart.  I've grown to enjoy their company so much and look forward to my time with them.  I love the arguments debates we have; I love the questions they ask; I love the idea of being the last teacher to help secure their roots before letting them soar off to middle school.  I'm truly blessed to be given this opportunity.

To all my students (graduating seniors, current kiddos, and everyone in between)...
     What a 12 years it's been!  Thank you for letting me learn right along beside you each and everyday.  Please know that no matter when it was that you and I shared a classroom, you left little imprints on my heart... enough memories to fill the pages of any book. 
     And especially to those of you starting a new chapter of your own: Turn those butterflies in your tummy into the desire and dedication you'll need to rise to the top.  I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. 
     I'm so proud to have been but just a tiny part in all of your young lives.  Thank you for being such a large part of mine.

Love to y'all,
Mrs. Sievers