Dear Emily...

Yesterday I got an email from one of my sister-in-laws.  I checked with her to make sure she doesn't mind me sharing some of her thoughts here with y'all...

Emily is married to Brad's little brother, Steven.  She's a first time mom to Emmett - the newest member of the Sievers family.  He's just about 18 months old and seriously the cutest little guy!  Big beautiful brown eyes.  Sigh...  Anyway, Em had a terrifying dream the other night that something bad happened to Emmett and that she was there, helpless, watching him fade away.  And then in the blink of an eye, he was just gone.  She confided in me that she is dealing with horrible worry and fear that something... anything... could happen to her precious baby. It's paralyzing to think about.  Now that she's a mom, she has a better understanding of my pain, and the worry I have about my other three kids.  So she asked me, "How do you do it?" 

I've been trying to think of how I can possibly write her back in a way that will ease her mind and tend to her fears.  How can I tell her, "Don't worry, Em.  Nothing bad will ever happen to your family." 

I can't. 

I wish I could, but I can't. 

So I'll try this instead...

Dear Emily,

Of all the babies born in this world, God chose to give Emmett to you and Steven.  He knew that Emmett was the exact little guy that you needed.  He knew of the incomprehensible joy that your little boy would give you, beginning with his very first breath.  He knew that you would be the perfect mama to His most perfect gift. 

Every mommy worries over their child.  It's part of the job description... kind of.  I think it's natural and normal and completely acceptable.  To a certain degree.  I was a "worrier" long before I had kids.  Sometimes, the worry would grip hold of me so tightly that I thought it would never let go.  And as you can imagine, when Nash died, the worry over my other kids began to escalate because I saw the devastation that came with losing a child.

Worry is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seemed that maybe if I worried about every possible thing imaginable, it wouldn't hurt so badly if that "thing" actually happened.  Like, if I'd already thought of that happening, then I could say, "Well, I'm okay, because I knew that was a possibility."  Yeah, right - we all know that's not quite how it works.  No matter how many things we worry about, there's still a million more things that we never even thought of that could go wrong.  We all know that worrying doesn't help anything; it doesn't stop things from happening.  We also know that we do not have control over things like we wish we did.  And yet, we still worry. 

So back to your question, Em.  How do I overcome my worrisome ways? 

I work at it.  Every single second.  It's a CONSTANT battle. 

When I feel the worry start to seep in, and my thoughts begin to unravel, I do a couple of things.  First, I pray.  I pray that God will pick me up and take the negative and terrible thoughts my brain is creating and throw them away.  I literally imagine His hands around me, moving me away from my own worry.  I tell myself that God doesn't want us to worry...

Phil 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

1 Peter 5:6-8 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

All this being said, I must admit, however, I struggle with this sometimes.  Completely trusting God is VERY hard for me.  I know in my head that we are supposed to trust in God and all He does.  But at times, I feel scared to do that because I feel like I'm almost giving "permission" for something bad to happen.  It's like I'm saying, "I know God will get me through no matter what happens, so it's no biggie if something does."  I know this isn't how things work, but it's still extremely difficult for me.  So I'm up for suggestions on how to get my mind wrapped around this. 

Besides praying, I also talk to myself logically. I remind myself that worrying does NOTHING for me.  Back in college, I saw a quote that resonated with me even then.  Now it means much more.  I still remember where I was when I saw it on an outdated calendar on a shelf in someone's office. And from then on, this is what I think of when my worry takes over.  It read, "Worrying doesn't take the bad out of tomorrow, it takes the good out of today."  Think about it. 

And last but not least, if I'm totally honest, sometimes, I just have to force my mind into thinking about something else... maybe read a book or watch a totally inappropriate reality show.  Anything to just slow the worry's momentum before it gets out of hand. 

So, Emily, I'm not sure I was really much help to you.  I can't take away your worry... I really wish I could.  Just know that you worry because you're a mom to a very special little boy.  You worry because the love you have for Emmett isn't comparable to anything else you've ever experienced and you NEVER want that to end.  So... enjoy all the moments you have with him - both the big ones and the little ones.  Don't let worry creep in to ruin all the seconds you have together. 

Love to you and my sweet little Emmett.
Tracy