Saturday, April 19, 2014

Guest Blogger - Alexa

I "met" Alexa soon after my Pubslush campaign ended.  She is a fellow grieving mom and has written her own book on the subject.  She has some great perspectives so I thought I'd share her with y'all. 

Alexa Bigwarfe is the mother of four beautiful children, three on earth and one in Heaven.  She blogs as "Kat Biggie" at “No Holding Back” which was started primarily as an outlet for her grief after the loss of one of her twin daughters. Alexa’s goal is to bring more awareness to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) and provide hope to other grieving mothers. Her blog also chronicles her adventures as a stay at home mom.  Alexa is a wife, mother, writer, advocate, and sometimes political activist. She recently compiled and edited a book for grieving mothers entitled Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother. 

Here's what she has to say...
For most mothers, Mother's Day is a day to be spoiled by their children (and maybe husbands.) It's a day we look forward to. A day that we, the mother, get that we are acknowledged for everything that we do as moms. And mothers should be honored. All mothers.

For many mothers, Mother's day is a source of pain. A constant reminder of what is no longer here, or what will never be.

It's a very difficult day for grieving mothers. I know, because I am one of them.

“A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love that she holds in her heart.” ~Franchesca Cox

A few years ago, CarlyMarie of Project Heal began International Bereaved Mother's Day.  This day for mother's to talk about the true meaning of Mother's Day, and celebrate our children, both with us and not. Do you know why Mother's Day was begun?

Anna Jarvis officially founded the traditional Mother’s Day to honour her mother Ann who experienced the death of 7 of her children and somehow through the years it has turned into a commercialized mess that corporate companies make millions of dollars from, but the worst thing is that bereaved mothers are completely forgotten. ~CarlyMarie

International Bereaved Mother's Day is now the Sunday preceding Mother's Day. So this year it is May 5th.

Inspired by the actions of CarlyMarie and so many others who make it their mission to bring light to grieving parents, I wanted to do something as well. Last October, in time for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15th, a group of bereaved parents and I published our book Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother. It is our stories and our best advice and tips on surviving the loss of a pregnancy, infant, or older child.

Fueled by the positive feedback and the positive impact it was having on other parents who have suffered the death of a child, we went one step further and created a nonprofit, Sunshine After the Storm, Inc, to raise funds to donate the books to hospitals, bereavement groups, and organizations that support bereaved parents.           
                                        
As Mother's Day approaches, I wanted to do something special. So we decided to start a special "Mother's Day Campaign." The goal is simple: raise money to donate as many books as we can to hospitals and bereavement groups for Mother's Day, and use a portion of the funds to make a special Mother's Day contribution to the organizations that support bereaved parents, infant death, pregnancy loss, and research for children's health issues.
I also reached out to different people, including some well-known authors on baby and child loss, such as Sherokee Ilse and Teske Drake; to CarlyMarie (who creates the most beautiful artwork for bereaved parents on her Shore of Remembrance) and many others. I asked for donated items and services so that we could offer a wonderful incentive for those who decide to find it in their heart to make a donation. The response was amazing, and on May 4th, International Bereaved Mother's Day, we will have a giveaway of 15 incredible items. And more may be added!

We just ask for one thing. A very small donation. $5 (or more if you'd like!) It costs us about $8 to donate each book. One donation will get you entered for a chance to win all of these amazing prizes!


But more importantly, you will know that you have directly impacted the life of a mother who is hurting on Mother's Day.

Check it out here...  http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/MzAwMGU5ZjZjMDEyNDc3OTU3MTdkODE2ZDVmYTkwOjY=/

She can also be followed on Facebook (www.facebook.com/NoHoldingBack1212) and Twitter (@katbiggie)
 

 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Dear Emily...

Yesterday I got an email from one of my sister-in-laws.  I checked with her to make sure she doesn't mind me sharing some of her thoughts here with y'all...

Emily is married to Brad's little brother, Steven.  She's a first time mom to Emmett - the newest member of the Sievers family.  He's just about 18 months old and seriously the cutest little guy!  Big beautiful brown eyes.  Sigh...  Anyway, Em had a terrifying dream the other night that something bad happened to Emmett and that she was there, helpless, watching him fade away.  And then in the blink of an eye, he was just gone.  She confided in me that she is dealing with horrible worry and fear that something... anything... could happen to her precious baby. It's paralyzing to think about.  Now that she's a mom, she has a better understanding of my pain, and the worry I have about my other three kids.  So she asked me, "How do you do it?" 

I've been trying to think of how I can possibly write her back in a way that will ease her mind and tend to her fears.  How can I tell her, "Don't worry, Em.  Nothing bad will ever happen to your family." 

I can't. 

I wish I could, but I can't. 

So I'll try this instead...

Dear Emily,

Of all the babies born in this world, God chose to give Emmett to you and Steven.  He knew that Emmett was the exact little guy that you needed.  He knew of the incomprehensible joy that your little boy would give you, beginning with his very first breath.  He knew that you would be the perfect mama to His most perfect gift. 

Every mommy worries over their child.  It's part of the job description... kind of.  I think it's natural and normal and completely acceptable.  To a certain degree.  I was a "worrier" long before I had kids.  Sometimes, the worry would grip hold of me so tightly that I thought it would never let go.  And as you can imagine, when Nash died, the worry over my other kids began to escalate because I saw the devastation that came with losing a child.

Worry is a funny thing.  Sometimes it seemed that maybe if I worried about every possible thing imaginable, it wouldn't hurt so badly if that "thing" actually happened.  Like, if I'd already thought of that happening, then I could say, "Well, I'm okay, because I knew that was a possibility."  Yeah, right - we all know that's not quite how it works.  No matter how many things we worry about, there's still a million more things that we never even thought of that could go wrong.  We all know that worrying doesn't help anything; it doesn't stop things from happening.  We also know that we do not have control over things like we wish we did.  And yet, we still worry. 

So back to your question, Em.  How do I overcome my worrisome ways? 

I work at it.  Every single second.  It's a CONSTANT battle. 

When I feel the worry start to seep in, and my thoughts begin to unravel, I do a couple of things.  First, I pray.  I pray that God will pick me up and take the negative and terrible thoughts my brain is creating and throw them away.  I literally imagine His hands around me, moving me away from my own worry.  I tell myself that God doesn't want us to worry...

Phil 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Psalm 56:3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.

1 Peter 5:6-8 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

All this being said, I must admit, however, I struggle with this sometimes.  Completely trusting God is VERY hard for me.  I know in my head that we are supposed to trust in God and all He does.  But at times, I feel scared to do that because I feel like I'm almost giving "permission" for something bad to happen.  It's like I'm saying, "I know God will get me through no matter what happens, so it's no biggie if something does."  I know this isn't how things work, but it's still extremely difficult for me.  So I'm up for suggestions on how to get my mind wrapped around this. 

Besides praying, I also talk to myself logically. I remind myself that worrying does NOTHING for me.  Back in college, I saw a quote that resonated with me even then.  Now it means much more.  I still remember where I was when I saw it on an outdated calendar on a shelf in someone's office. And from then on, this is what I think of when my worry takes over.  It read, "Worrying doesn't take the bad out of tomorrow, it takes the good out of today."  Think about it. 

And last but not least, if I'm totally honest, sometimes, I just have to force my mind into thinking about something else... maybe read a book or watch a totally inappropriate reality show.  Anything to just slow the worry's momentum before it gets out of hand. 

So, Emily, I'm not sure I was really much help to you.  I can't take away your worry... I really wish I could.  Just know that you worry because you're a mom to a very special little boy.  You worry because the love you have for Emmett isn't comparable to anything else you've ever experienced and you NEVER want that to end.  So... enjoy all the moments you have with him - both the big ones and the little ones.  Don't let worry creep in to ruin all the seconds you have together. 

Love to you and my sweet little Emmett.
Tracy

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ten Days Away!

Okay, Friends... In ten short days, Team Heart's Content will be lacing up our tennies and heading to our sixth March For Babies in Dallas at White Rock Lake!!!  This year, it's really snuck up on me.  I think my mind has been overwhelmed by preparations with my book, and I just felt like I had time before I needed to put the March on my radar. 

Boy, was I wrong!!!

April 12th is gearing up to be really special.  In years past, we've had pretty much the same group of people walk with us the morning of the March.  But this year is going to be a good mix of old and new - about 25-30 people altogether.  Some of them are families that have walked beside us since our journey began - holding us up, as we stumble along.  It makes me smile to think that these are the people that actually held our little boy, fed our little boy, and breathed the same air as him.  In addition, we also have some new families that will be walking with us for the first time.  I LOVE THIS.  At some point, these friends found out about Nash and didn't shy away.  They didn't turn their backs, or brush us aside because our story made them uncomfortable.  They embraced us.  They embraced him.  And I am grateful for that. 

As I walk each year, seeing Nash's name on the shirts of my friends and family tugs at my heart.  I am overwhelmed by how much love these people have for us... all SIX of us. 

Love to y'all,
Tracy