Stains

As some of you know, when I became a mom, I began keeping a journal for Tate, where I write to him every so often about what's been going on in his life in the hopes that someday he will get the chance to look back over his childhood and share in the memories. I began doing this same thing for Nash, but only got to write in his four or five times before he died. Since then, I still write in it, praying that he is watching over my shoulder as the words pour out of my heart and onto the paper.

I read an entry from Nash's journal on the day we had the memorial service for him down here in Plano and I haven't shared anything from it since... But today is a day that's been tough for one reason or another, so I wrote to him a little while ago and thought that maybe today I'd let y'all in to the deepest parts of me...

Well, Baby... today I started getting out clothes for the new baby - your little brother or sister... And I'm so sad, Honey. I can just see you wearing all the little outfits and it makes me miss you so much. The last time I touched all these little clothes, you were here with me. The thing that really gets me are the tiny milk stains around the necks of so many of them... it just shows how much trouble you had when you were eating. Seeing those stains breaks my heart. Baby, I'm so sorry I didn't know something was terribly wrong. Sometimes I feel so strongly that I let you down. And I'm just so sorry for that. You counted on me to protect you and I didn't. There are no words that can explain how deeply this pains me.

Nash, please, please don't ever doubt the depth of my love for you. From the moment I knew of your existence, I adored you and those feelings remain with me every second of everyday.

I think back to those months when we had you here with us and ask myself how I could have changed what happened. How could I have saved you?

In my most quiet moments, all alone with only my thoughts of you, Sweet Boy, I can't help but wish I had done something more, anything more, that would have kept you here with us a little longer. Even if the outcome was the same, maybe then I'd feel like you knew how I felt about you. I don't know, Buddy. There's just nothing that would make any of this okay.

Just know that with the new baby will come so many memories of you and I promise to welcome them all into my heart no matter how bittersweet they may be.

I love you beyond all words and miss you so very much.

Love,
Mommy

One Month and Counting...

I went to the doctor today for my 36 week check up and a sonogram. Normally, she doesn't do sonos at this point in a pregnancy, but since Tate was relatively large when he was born, she did one with Nash and she did one this time to check on the baby's size. After doing the measurements, she would decide if she wanted to induce a week earlier than my due date.

So Brad and I had a theory going into the appointment that if she scheduled an induction, then we were having a boy because she's told us in the past that boys tend to grow faster/bigger than girls. And if she just lets me go without being induced then it must be a girl.

It's funny how we don't want to know the sex of our baby, and yet, during every sonogram and doctor appointment, we try so hard to read into what is being said to see if we can catch someone slip up. And although we look away when the sonographer is looking around in the "lower parts," we still try to see if we can notice anything that would tell the gender during the entire rest of the sonogram.

Bottom line of the sono was that everything looked good. The baby is measuring normally at this point (5 pounds 8 ounces) and the head is down. The sonographer did point out a little part of the left kidney that seems to be holding fluid a little longer than the right one. She explained we didn't really need to worry about it and that the amount of fluid was below the level which concerns them. But they made note of it so that when the baby's born, the pediatrician can order a couple of tests to be done. My doctor also explained that most likely, the fluid is being caused from the ureter (tube connecting the kidney to the bladder) not being exactly straight. In most kids, it tends to "right" itself on it's own by age two or so. Of course, this is in the back of my mind, but I'm trying to just have faith and go with what the doctor and sonographer told us. But some prayers from y'all would be appreciated. Thanks!

It was so great to see that little face again today. It's so sweet and looks like such a baby now. It's perfect and adorable and it's ours. I love that. I can't wait to meet this little one...

Which brings me to the next bit of news... We did NOT schedule an induction (could it be a girl???) We're going to let this baby just come when it pleases. My doctor won't let me go more than one week past my due date. Soooo... that means that I may have to wait an entire five weeks until I see this baby's sweet face in person!!! AHHHHH!!! Five weeks!? Seriously?

Does it look like I can wait another five weeks??? I don't even want to think about what that tummy's gonna look like!!!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Hand, Belly, Heart

We have now endured our second Christmas without Nash. Just like last year, it was such a day of mixed emotions... We were so thankful to be spending it with Tate. He lights up our world each and every day and seeing the Christmas magic through the eyes of a three year old little boy is truly a beautiful thing. I always say, he makes me laugh when I feel like crying and there was no exception to this this year. While our hearts are bulging with love for Tate, the gaping hole that's there for Nash is undeniable. It leaves us with so many unanswered questions: What would he have wanted for Christmas? Would he, like Tate, have begged to listen to Christmas music every time we got into the car? What would it be like to entertain both of the boys while trying our best to listen to the priest at Mass on Christmas Eve? I wish more than anything that I knew the answers...

Stockings... Brad, Tate, McCarney, Nash, me

Church was emotional for me, like always. Every year, our priest does a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night" on his harmonica as his "gift" to us, and then we all join in to sing after one verse. This song gets me every single time. The words mean more to me than I can express, and I can barely choke them out through my tears. I just did my best to picture my sweet baby, in the arms of Jesus, being sung to by choirs of angels. His face lit up and happy in the presence of God and all of our family that join him in heaven... "Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace."

Nash's Stocking

At the end of Mass, I stood there wishing there was some way that I could have all my babies with me at that moment. And then it hit me... I did. Tate was right there - standing next to me, his little chubby hand wrapped around my fingers. The new baby was right there - nestled warm and safe in my belly. And Nash was right there too - deep inside my heart; with every beat, he's with me. I am so blessed.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

New "guns" from cousin Cade.
WHOOOHOOOO!!!! A Spiderman Bike!!!
Loading up a Nerf Gun (Santa gave one to Daddy too!)
Basketball Hoop
Black Power Rangers Costume... the only thing he asked Santa for.

GO COWBOYS!!! Spiderman Slippers Rule!

Snowflakes and Strep

What a day!

We began our Christmas Eve morning a little before 8:00 with Tate coming down the stairs, making this horrible sound in his throat. I jokingly asked if he was pretending to be a tiger and he said, "No, my throat hurts." Uh oh. Now most days, this wouldn't bother me so much... He had just woken up, his nose is always a little stuffy because of allergies, etc. But two days ago Brad went to the doctor for a sore throat and found out he had strep.

So we decided that taking Tate to the doctor would probably be the best thing to do especially with tomorrow being Christmas and everything being closed. His regular pediatrician was already closed today, so we took him to an urgent care place instead. He was quite the trooper - he absolutely HATES when a doctor has to swab his throat - probably more than he hates shots. He was soooo worried about it... But when the inevitable happened and the PA asked him to open wide, he did exactly what she asked and after a little gag she got what she needed. Normally we have to hold him down for them to do this, but he was a little champ today!

Needless to say, the results came back positive for strep... like father, like son, right? He's actually been in a great mood all day, considering. I'm just thankful we took him in... maybe we got it before it got too bad. My hope is that tomorrow he'll be feeling just fine and can enjoy his Christmas.

As we were leaving the doctor's office, it was beginning to rain. And within an hour or so, the rain was turning to snow. Now, this is Texas, y'all. We don't do snow here!!! So I was VERY surprised to find that by this afternoon, it was actually sticking! Yep, we're having ourselves a White Christmas! Can you believe it?!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

The Great Divide

These past few weeks have been busier than previous years with Christmas party after Christmas party. Brad and I both are blessed to have such great friends, who like to get together to celebrate. And we're so lucky to have my parents here to help us out by watching Tate so that we can go to these parties without spending all our money on babysitting.

But, after going to four parties in the past two weeks, I've come to be able to predict how they will go... For the last seventeen and half months I'm learning how to anticipate and answer the small-talk questions that come up when first meeting new couples. It usually goes something like this...

We get introduced to a new couple within minutes of entering the door of a party. After exchanging handshakes and names, the questions begin.

"Do you have kids?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"This will be our third."
"Are they boys or girls?"
"Two boys."
(This is where I begin praying that we can move on to another topic because, inevitably, I know what the next question will be."
"How old are they?"
Ummmmm...

And that's where the awkwardness begins. How do you tell someone casually amidst the holiday music and smells of Christmas cookies that one of your children has died?

Brad and I have had this conversation with new acquaintances more than I care to remember this December. I find myself on edge as I walk through the door, wondering not if it will come up, but when. I don't fault anyone for asking us. In fact, it's just common courtesy to ask about someone else's children. It's just that for us, it's not an easy conversation to have. And then those poor people that asked what they thought was an innocent question, feel horrible for the rest of the night.

So my point here is that I've found that our lives of full of two types of people: those who "know" about Nash and those that "don't." It's so comforting for me to walk into a party and know that all the people in attendance already know what happened. I feel so much more peace and never feel on edge while we're there. I can actually enjoy myself.

I'm so grateful for all the friends Brad and I have that obviously know our story, but also treat us just like they always have. Y'all make me feel as "normal" as I ever will and being in the same place as you, is a safe place for me. Thank you all for being part of our "safe place."

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Candles For Nash

As many of you know, tonight is a very special night. We will be participating in our second annual Worldwide Candle Lighting which is dedicated to all children that have left this earth much too soon.

We would love for you to help us out. Tonight at 7pm local time, we ask that you light a candle in your home for one hour in honor of Nash. As each time zone gets to 7:00 and lights their candles, imagine the giant wave of light as it would look from the heavens. What a beautiful sight!

With the holidays quickly approaching, this time of year gets very difficult. So it truly helps to think of all the family and friends that are thinking about our little boy as they light their candles. To know that so many people are remembering him is such a comforting feeling.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers. Some days it seems as though my grief journey has just begun, and other times, it feels like I've been trudging though this muddy path my entire life. Please know the peace I feel from knowing that you are there, willing to remember our baby along with us. God Bless.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Single Digits

So this week made it official that I only have nine weeks to go before this baby is supposed to be born. Something about hitting this week always makes me a little anxious. I've had plenty of friends whose little ones have joined them waaaaaay before they were scheduled to. So I'm just praying this baby gives us as many weeks as it can before making it's little entrance into our world.

I'm feeling fine - mostly just tired by the end of the day. What's new, right? I'm beginning to see my doctor every other week now (another huge sign that we're getting close!). So I'll be going this Wednesday for my 32 week appointment. I definitely feel like I'm getting huger and huger by the second. Like right now, I can feel the baby kicking the tops of my thighs. Yes, I said "thighs!" My belly rests comfortably on my legs now, it's like the baby is just sitting on my lap... AHHHH!!!

On that note, I need to find something for breakfast... donuts sound good...

Love to y'all,

Tracy