The Great Divide

These past few weeks have been busier than previous years with Christmas party after Christmas party. Brad and I both are blessed to have such great friends, who like to get together to celebrate. And we're so lucky to have my parents here to help us out by watching Tate so that we can go to these parties without spending all our money on babysitting.

But, after going to four parties in the past two weeks, I've come to be able to predict how they will go... For the last seventeen and half months I'm learning how to anticipate and answer the small-talk questions that come up when first meeting new couples. It usually goes something like this...

We get introduced to a new couple within minutes of entering the door of a party. After exchanging handshakes and names, the questions begin.

"Do you have kids?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"This will be our third."
"Are they boys or girls?"
"Two boys."
(This is where I begin praying that we can move on to another topic because, inevitably, I know what the next question will be."
"How old are they?"
Ummmmm...

And that's where the awkwardness begins. How do you tell someone casually amidst the holiday music and smells of Christmas cookies that one of your children has died?

Brad and I have had this conversation with new acquaintances more than I care to remember this December. I find myself on edge as I walk through the door, wondering not if it will come up, but when. I don't fault anyone for asking us. In fact, it's just common courtesy to ask about someone else's children. It's just that for us, it's not an easy conversation to have. And then those poor people that asked what they thought was an innocent question, feel horrible for the rest of the night.

So my point here is that I've found that our lives of full of two types of people: those who "know" about Nash and those that "don't." It's so comforting for me to walk into a party and know that all the people in attendance already know what happened. I feel so much more peace and never feel on edge while we're there. I can actually enjoy myself.

I'm so grateful for all the friends Brad and I have that obviously know our story, but also treat us just like they always have. Y'all make me feel as "normal" as I ever will and being in the same place as you, is a safe place for me. Thank you all for being part of our "safe place."

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Candles For Nash

As many of you know, tonight is a very special night. We will be participating in our second annual Worldwide Candle Lighting which is dedicated to all children that have left this earth much too soon.

We would love for you to help us out. Tonight at 7pm local time, we ask that you light a candle in your home for one hour in honor of Nash. As each time zone gets to 7:00 and lights their candles, imagine the giant wave of light as it would look from the heavens. What a beautiful sight!

With the holidays quickly approaching, this time of year gets very difficult. So it truly helps to think of all the family and friends that are thinking about our little boy as they light their candles. To know that so many people are remembering him is such a comforting feeling.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers. Some days it seems as though my grief journey has just begun, and other times, it feels like I've been trudging though this muddy path my entire life. Please know the peace I feel from knowing that you are there, willing to remember our baby along with us. God Bless.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Single Digits

So this week made it official that I only have nine weeks to go before this baby is supposed to be born. Something about hitting this week always makes me a little anxious. I've had plenty of friends whose little ones have joined them waaaaaay before they were scheduled to. So I'm just praying this baby gives us as many weeks as it can before making it's little entrance into our world.

I'm feeling fine - mostly just tired by the end of the day. What's new, right? I'm beginning to see my doctor every other week now (another huge sign that we're getting close!). So I'll be going this Wednesday for my 32 week appointment. I definitely feel like I'm getting huger and huger by the second. Like right now, I can feel the baby kicking the tops of my thighs. Yes, I said "thighs!" My belly rests comfortably on my legs now, it's like the baby is just sitting on my lap... AHHHH!!!

On that note, I need to find something for breakfast... donuts sound good...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Thanksgiving in Iowa

A couple of hours ago, we made it back from our quick trip to Iowa to visit Brad's family for Thanksgiving. I have to say that I'm so blessed that visiting my in-laws (and the rest of Brad's HUGE family) is something I honestly look forward to each time. Each of them have truly become my family and I know how lucky I am to have them.

Brad spent most of his time with all the "men" hunting. His 30th birthday was on Thanksgiving Day, so we had a surprise party planned for him on Friday night. It went off without a hitch and ended up being a fun night full of family and friends.

Tate and I spent a lot of time with Brad's mom, sister, and my nephews. Tate had an absolute blast hanging out with the family. He went "fishing" in the lake (he didn't care he had no bait!), helped Great Grandpa Sievers with chores on the farm, rode the four wheeler, and played like crazy with his cousin, Cade. Yesterday afternoon Tate came to me with tears in his eyes and said, "Aunt Jill said we have to go home soon. Do we?" My heart broke for him. He was having so much fun, he really didn't want it to end. Poor baby...

Doing chores with Great Grandpa

My nephew, Colton Nash Miller (10 months)

Of course, Brad and I went to "see" Nash several times while we were there. It still is such a shocking thing to slowly roll to a stop on a tiny gravel road next to a little grave with your son's name on it. It takes my breath away every single time. Brad and I talked about that while we were there one day. Most times, it's like I hate that we're so far away because I feel like it's irresponsible of me to not be the one there, tending to Nash's grave on a regular basis. I should be the one visiting him all the time. And then I wonder if that would make this harder. Would going to cemetery as part of my routine be something that would take its toll on me even more. Or would I begin to get used to it? I can't imagine that I would... I don't know what the right answer is. I know, in my heart, that we buried him in the right place. I just wish I had it in my power to be there with him more often than I'm able to.

Today on the plane, I remembered that four years ago tonight, Brad and I found out I was pregnant with Tate. I remember that ultimate, pure happiness I felt that night. I remember waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, so excited to be living in my shoes... I'm scared that I won't ever have that feeling again. I don't know that it's possible any more. I think it's just not in the cards for me. I do believe that I will feel joys, but the cross I bear will always be with me and with my family. Every day. That's hard for me to think about. And honestly, I just try not to most of the time. It's the one thing that's just too overwhelming for me at this point.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Family Pictures

Yesterday we did something we haven't done in a long time... We got our family pictures taken by a professional photographer. In fact, the last time we had this done was when Tate was turning one and I was about three months pregnant with Nash. I really wanted to do them now, so we had some keepsakes of us before the new little one gets here. But the decision to actually schedule them was a difficult one because it's so hard to do anything having to do with our "family" because we are NEVER all there. And while having these pictures taken would be great for us, it would also be such a reminder of the absence of Nash.

So yesterday morning we met our photographer, Erica May, at a park about half an hour away from our house. It was a cool, cloudy morning and had rained for the previous 36 hours. But the atmosphere was very peaceful and the surroundings were beautiful. She spent almost an hour with us, shooting close to 500 pictures. I told her Nash's story and asked if there was a way to incorporate yellow balloons into some of the pics. She was more than willing and had some great ideas of how to do so.

I am thankful that we were able to do this as a family. I believe with all my heart that my sweet boy was there with us. But I wish so badly that his little face was smiling back at the camera with Tate. I pray that he knows that the last thing I want is for him to ever think our family is complete without him. That we yearn for him now just as we did the day he made his way to heaven. But I also pray that he is proud of us for doing things to celebrate our family in the very best way we know how.

Click here for a link to Erica's blog, where she shared some of the pics of us. Enjoy!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Double Dipper

Just a funny story for y'all...

Tate and I went to church this weekend while Brad was playing softball. He always sees me dip my finger in the Holy Water on my way in and out of the building. As we were leaving, I reached for the Holy Water and did the sign of the cross. Before I could stop him, Tate reached up and dipped all his fingers in the little gold bowl and then stuck them in his mouth and sucked the water from them! I quietly told him that the Water was special and we don't drink it. As we kept walking, I reminded him that we do the sign of the cross after we touch the Water. So then he quickly turned around and ran back through the line of people and dipped his fingers in it again and did "his version" of the sign of the cross! He was so proud of himself. And all I could do was smile and shake my head...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

27 Weeks

I have less than three months to go... But at times, it feels like I should be right there at the end, ready for this little one to join us. I can definitely feel the difference with this pregnancy. I still feel pretty good and really can't complain much. I just feel like my body is "dragging" a lot more than it did with either Tate or Nash. At first I was thinking that's because maybe this time it's a girl and my hormones are just different. But then on the other hand, maybe it's because once the baby gets here I will have had three babies in almost exactly 3 1/2 years, so my body may just be trying to keep up!!!

With Tate and Nash, I was pretty certain that they would be boys even though we didn't find out. But with this one, I haven't felt that strong inkling yet. I had a dream the other night that I was having a boy. Was that a sign??? Then at the grocery store last week, the bagger at the check-out stand was an older Asian woman. She asked if I was having a girl or a boy and when I said I didn't know, she said, "Oh, I'll tell you." She then made me take off my sweatshirt and turn around. She quickly ran her hand from the middle of my back to the very top of my waist, and simply said, "Boy." Hmmmm....

So I'm starting to lean towards feeling like this one is a boy too. But who knows? I could be totally off this time! Only three more months until we find out!

Love to y'all,

Tracy