The Days Are Approaching...

So many of you have asked me over and over again what you can do to help me out as I journey down my path of grief. I am so thankful to have such amazing people in my life that truly want to know how they can help me carry my cross when it gets to be too heavy. Well, my friends, this would be the time of year I need you most.

For the next ten days, my heart and mind will be with my second born son as the two year anniversary of his death gets nearer. And as you can imagine, each day brings about so many memories - some beautiful and some tragic; but all so heartwrenching.

We will be traveling to Iowa this Thursday to be at the wedding of Brad's brother. We are really looking forward to this so much and yet, once Sunday rolls around, I have a feeling that reality will once again set in and the countdown will begin until July 1st finally gets here. I'm asking you to please keep my family in your prayers as the days go by... Please pray for peaceful hearts, comforting memories, and for God's arms to wrap around us and carry us through each day. We are going to need this so much...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Sweet Baby Nash - 2008

Heart Check #2

Just wanted to give y'all a quick update on the boys... Yesterday, Tate and Knox both had another echocardiogram done to see that their hearts are still healthy, strong, and normal. I'm so happy and relieved to say that the cardiologist said they both looked great!!! Unless something unforseen comes up, we don't need to go back until Knox turns two and Tate will be 5 1/2. We are so thankful for this great news!!!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

What a Mess... Or Not

Now that Knox is four months old, we decided to start him on rice cereal. We figured we had to start sometime, so why not just give it a try? Nash never really got the hang of eating with a spoon and it took Tate a good three or four days of trying before he finally got the hang of it. I was armed with a bib and was ready for battle... I put a little cereal onto Knox's spoon, put it in his mouth, and flinched a little bit, ready to fend off the spray that came from his lips... and then... he swallowed it. It couldn't be that easy, could it? So I tried again... and again he swallowed it.
About five minutes later, his bowl was about empty and he was a happy little camper! HUH? How did he do that???

Love to y'all,

Tracy

A Shooting Star

Last night I had a dream that I saw a shooting star in the night sky and I wished for some kind of sign that would show me that Nash was near me... that he can hear me when I talk to him... that I can feel his presence around me. Just something to reassure me on my worst days that he's right here with me.

Driving home from work this afternoon, I received a text from my friend Shawnee, saying that her kindergarten little boy, Brayden, had a friend in his class who was involved in a tragic car accident on Friday evening. The little girl, her brother, and their mom died in the accident. Shawnee said that at Brayden's school today, they released balloons in honor of this family that was taken much too soon. She explained that Brayden told her he wanted his little friend to meet Nash in heaven and to share the balloons with him...

Shawnee wanted me to know that Nash was thought about today amidst the sorrow that was being felt for this poor family. She made sure to tell me that Nash was on people's minds as well. I am so thankful for this.

So of course, I was bawling on my way home from school... Thinking about the ultimate struggle the husband in this family must be going through and will continue to go through everyday of his life. Thinking about my own little boy and the loss and heartbreak I feel with every breath I take... Thinking about how thankful I am for good friends who keep Nash in their hearts.

As I pulled into the garage, I began texting Shawnee back, and at that exact moment, the song "One More Day" began playing on the radio. For anyone who doesn't know the song, click here to listen to it. Since Nash died, it has been the one song that gets me every time. What I wouldn't give for just one more day...

I often look for "signs" that God can hear my silent pleas. In my support group, people always talk about things that happen to them that make them feel that their children are around them. I've had a few of these instances happen for me, but they don't happen all that much. I find myself jealous of members of my group when they have so many examples of them. But I'm starting to think that maybe when they happen to me, they happen in a BIG way. An obvious way. A way that makes me step back and say, "Okay, Baby Nash, I know you're there."

And now, I have to add this as a cherry on top... I was just about to sign this blog, when Brad came upstairs holding a box that was sitting outside our front door. It was addressed to "Tate and Nash Sievers" at our old address. No joke. We opened it to find two Ralph Lauren shirts - one for Tate and one for Knox - which are undoubtedly from my dad because they're pink! I'm assuming he already had an account set up from years ago and that's why the names and address were wrong. But either way, to see Nash's name on something put a smile on my face.

So between the touching text message about a five year old little boy wanting his friend to find Nash in heaven, a song on the radio, and a package with his name on it, I feel Nash tonight. He's right here. He's always right here. It's not in the exact way I want him to be. But I know in my heart that he's never far. God wouldn't let that happen.

I guess wishes made on shooting stars really do come true.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Memorial Day Weekend

This past weekend, we flew to Kansas City to visit Brad's sister and family. It was Knox's first plane ride and he did a great job! PHEW! The boys and I spent the three days with Jill, her two boys, Brad's mom, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law Emily. As soon as we arrived on Friday night, Brad, Jill's husband Eric, Brad's dad, and Brad's little brother Steven, headed to the Lakes of the Ozarks for Steven's Bachelor Party. He and Emily are getting married on June 26th. We all had a great time. (Although the big boys might have had a little too much fun...) And to top it off, I actually came back with a pretty nice tan... who knew KC was the bronzing capital of the world?! Knox and "Soon to be" Aunt Emily

Sweet Nephew Colton

Tate and Colton playing at a Spray Park

Tate's version of Slip'n'Sliding

Baby Knox

Best Buddies - Tate and nephew Cade

The Sievers and The Millers

So excited for his first swim!

Love to y'all,

Tracy