Baby, Where Are You?

I know y'all are wondering what's going on... Well I can sum up the answer in two short words:

NOTHING NEW.

So disappointing, I know! I look at the little ticker on the top of my blog that's saying "only 3 days to go," and wonder if this baby is just a really punctual child!?

I have to say though, I have been hoping that the baby would make it past certain things that were on my calendar, just to make it easier on me (selfish, I know!). First, it was getting past Nash's birthday. I just didn't want to have to share that day if I could help it. Then, I had to do a training at school for my staff on January 20th, and really didn't want to have to figure out how to do it if the baby came early. Next, my goal was to make it to this past Friday (which was my last scheduled day to work). This way, I had all my sub plans ready to go and up-to-date. And lastly, I have been hoping to make it through this weekend for two reasons:
1. I've already had a January baby, so a February one sounds nice... is that silly?
2. My doctor isn't on-call this weekend. She delivered both Tate and Nash. She knows ALL our family's history. And, really, I just plain LOVE her. I want her to be there to share this birth with us.

At this point, I'm about nine hours from a February baby and my doctor is on call tomorrow. So, pretty soon, all gloves are off! I just got home from a pedicure. Maybe we'll do some spicy Mexican for dinner? Or I could maybe work out on the eliptical because it's too cold to go on a long walk - okay, okay, you Northerners, 45 degrees is freakin' cold for Texas! Either way, once Monday rolls around, I will be praying for this baby to make its much-awaited appearance!!!

Please keep us in your prayers.
Love to y'all,
Tracy

Pink or Blue???

As y'all know, we don't find out the gender of our babies until they make their entrance into this world. But as the weeks and months pass by, I find myself wondering more and more about who this little one is that keeps squirming inside my belly...

Being the organized, Type A personality that I am, it's tempting to make a little spreadsheet of why I think the baby could be each gender. But I guess a bulleted list will have to do...

Reasons Baby #3 Could Be a Girl:

• That's what the Chinese Gender Predictor says it will be
• I felt about 1% nauseous during my first trimester (and I NEVER felt sick with Tate or Nash)
• My body is much more tired than it was with the boys
• I've gained weight at a quicker rate
• I'm a couple pounds heavier at this point than I ever have been
• Let's face it, after two boys, maybe God just wanted a good laugh, so he sent us a tiny, little feminine baby girl!

Reasons Baby #3 Could Be a Boy:

• We already know we make boys
• My belly is pretty low - I've never had kicks in the ribs... although, at times, I'm afraid the baby is about to fall out of me!
• My belly is pretty much all out in front - same as with Tate and Nash
• Tate is 100% positive that it's a boy
• Strangers consistently stop me in public places and ask, "When's that little boy due?"
• I've had four dreams (I think) about the new baby and three of them have had the baby being a boy
• Tate's heartrate was always in the 150s, Nash's was always in the 140s, and this one is always in the 140s
• I have to do Non-Stress Tests each time I go to the doctor where they measure any uterine activity and the baby's heart rate and movement. One of the nurses swears that boy babies don't like to hear their heartbeats, so they go crazy with movement once their moms are hooked up to the machine. Every time we go in to do the NSTs, my little one seems to be running a marathon. Hence, the nurse is CONVINCED it is a boy.
• The kidney issue that showed up on the last sonogram is more likely to be in boy babies.

Okay, so there it is. Boy or girl? Pink or blue? I guess I will make it official and say that, although, the feeling isn't quite as strong as it was with Tate and Nash, I would put my money on us having another boy... But we all know how the world works... Now that I've put that in writing, I may need to go buy some pink!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Celebrating Nash

Exactly two years ago this morning, I was having contractions that I kept trying to ignore because I was scheduled to be induced the following day. I was sure it was nothing and then my water broke on my way to a doctor appointment. I guess I was wrong about it being "nothing."

Then at 2:13 pm, with teary eyes and a heart full of adoration, I met my second son, Nash Adam Sievers. I couldn't wait for the years to come, watching my two boys grow up, only eighteen months apart. I had so many dreams for our family.

Never, in a million years, did I picture myself, two years later, sitting on the couch with only one of my babies, writing this blog entry... But here I am.

I'm posting the video of Nash's life that my dear friend, Jennifer, created last year to help celebrate Nash's second birthday. Enjoy my sweet boy - his smile, the light in his eyes, his purity and perfectness. I have to believe that from his special place in heaven, he can feel the love people are sending him on today.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Click here to see the video.
(You may want to click on the "View Larger" button.)

Stains

As some of you know, when I became a mom, I began keeping a journal for Tate, where I write to him every so often about what's been going on in his life in the hopes that someday he will get the chance to look back over his childhood and share in the memories. I began doing this same thing for Nash, but only got to write in his four or five times before he died. Since then, I still write in it, praying that he is watching over my shoulder as the words pour out of my heart and onto the paper.

I read an entry from Nash's journal on the day we had the memorial service for him down here in Plano and I haven't shared anything from it since... But today is a day that's been tough for one reason or another, so I wrote to him a little while ago and thought that maybe today I'd let y'all in to the deepest parts of me...

Well, Baby... today I started getting out clothes for the new baby - your little brother or sister... And I'm so sad, Honey. I can just see you wearing all the little outfits and it makes me miss you so much. The last time I touched all these little clothes, you were here with me. The thing that really gets me are the tiny milk stains around the necks of so many of them... it just shows how much trouble you had when you were eating. Seeing those stains breaks my heart. Baby, I'm so sorry I didn't know something was terribly wrong. Sometimes I feel so strongly that I let you down. And I'm just so sorry for that. You counted on me to protect you and I didn't. There are no words that can explain how deeply this pains me.

Nash, please, please don't ever doubt the depth of my love for you. From the moment I knew of your existence, I adored you and those feelings remain with me every second of everyday.

I think back to those months when we had you here with us and ask myself how I could have changed what happened. How could I have saved you?

In my most quiet moments, all alone with only my thoughts of you, Sweet Boy, I can't help but wish I had done something more, anything more, that would have kept you here with us a little longer. Even if the outcome was the same, maybe then I'd feel like you knew how I felt about you. I don't know, Buddy. There's just nothing that would make any of this okay.

Just know that with the new baby will come so many memories of you and I promise to welcome them all into my heart no matter how bittersweet they may be.

I love you beyond all words and miss you so very much.

Love,
Mommy

One Month and Counting...

I went to the doctor today for my 36 week check up and a sonogram. Normally, she doesn't do sonos at this point in a pregnancy, but since Tate was relatively large when he was born, she did one with Nash and she did one this time to check on the baby's size. After doing the measurements, she would decide if she wanted to induce a week earlier than my due date.

So Brad and I had a theory going into the appointment that if she scheduled an induction, then we were having a boy because she's told us in the past that boys tend to grow faster/bigger than girls. And if she just lets me go without being induced then it must be a girl.

It's funny how we don't want to know the sex of our baby, and yet, during every sonogram and doctor appointment, we try so hard to read into what is being said to see if we can catch someone slip up. And although we look away when the sonographer is looking around in the "lower parts," we still try to see if we can notice anything that would tell the gender during the entire rest of the sonogram.

Bottom line of the sono was that everything looked good. The baby is measuring normally at this point (5 pounds 8 ounces) and the head is down. The sonographer did point out a little part of the left kidney that seems to be holding fluid a little longer than the right one. She explained we didn't really need to worry about it and that the amount of fluid was below the level which concerns them. But they made note of it so that when the baby's born, the pediatrician can order a couple of tests to be done. My doctor also explained that most likely, the fluid is being caused from the ureter (tube connecting the kidney to the bladder) not being exactly straight. In most kids, it tends to "right" itself on it's own by age two or so. Of course, this is in the back of my mind, but I'm trying to just have faith and go with what the doctor and sonographer told us. But some prayers from y'all would be appreciated. Thanks!

It was so great to see that little face again today. It's so sweet and looks like such a baby now. It's perfect and adorable and it's ours. I love that. I can't wait to meet this little one...

Which brings me to the next bit of news... We did NOT schedule an induction (could it be a girl???) We're going to let this baby just come when it pleases. My doctor won't let me go more than one week past my due date. Soooo... that means that I may have to wait an entire five weeks until I see this baby's sweet face in person!!! AHHHHH!!! Five weeks!? Seriously?

Does it look like I can wait another five weeks??? I don't even want to think about what that tummy's gonna look like!!!

Love to y'all,
Tracy