Thanksgiving in Iowa

A couple of hours ago, we made it back from our quick trip to Iowa to visit Brad's family for Thanksgiving. I have to say that I'm so blessed that visiting my in-laws (and the rest of Brad's HUGE family) is something I honestly look forward to each time. Each of them have truly become my family and I know how lucky I am to have them.

Brad spent most of his time with all the "men" hunting. His 30th birthday was on Thanksgiving Day, so we had a surprise party planned for him on Friday night. It went off without a hitch and ended up being a fun night full of family and friends.

Tate and I spent a lot of time with Brad's mom, sister, and my nephews. Tate had an absolute blast hanging out with the family. He went "fishing" in the lake (he didn't care he had no bait!), helped Great Grandpa Sievers with chores on the farm, rode the four wheeler, and played like crazy with his cousin, Cade. Yesterday afternoon Tate came to me with tears in his eyes and said, "Aunt Jill said we have to go home soon. Do we?" My heart broke for him. He was having so much fun, he really didn't want it to end. Poor baby...

Doing chores with Great Grandpa

My nephew, Colton Nash Miller (10 months)

Of course, Brad and I went to "see" Nash several times while we were there. It still is such a shocking thing to slowly roll to a stop on a tiny gravel road next to a little grave with your son's name on it. It takes my breath away every single time. Brad and I talked about that while we were there one day. Most times, it's like I hate that we're so far away because I feel like it's irresponsible of me to not be the one there, tending to Nash's grave on a regular basis. I should be the one visiting him all the time. And then I wonder if that would make this harder. Would going to cemetery as part of my routine be something that would take its toll on me even more. Or would I begin to get used to it? I can't imagine that I would... I don't know what the right answer is. I know, in my heart, that we buried him in the right place. I just wish I had it in my power to be there with him more often than I'm able to.

Today on the plane, I remembered that four years ago tonight, Brad and I found out I was pregnant with Tate. I remember that ultimate, pure happiness I felt that night. I remember waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, so excited to be living in my shoes... I'm scared that I won't ever have that feeling again. I don't know that it's possible any more. I think it's just not in the cards for me. I do believe that I will feel joys, but the cross I bear will always be with me and with my family. Every day. That's hard for me to think about. And honestly, I just try not to most of the time. It's the one thing that's just too overwhelming for me at this point.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Family Pictures

Yesterday we did something we haven't done in a long time... We got our family pictures taken by a professional photographer. In fact, the last time we had this done was when Tate was turning one and I was about three months pregnant with Nash. I really wanted to do them now, so we had some keepsakes of us before the new little one gets here. But the decision to actually schedule them was a difficult one because it's so hard to do anything having to do with our "family" because we are NEVER all there. And while having these pictures taken would be great for us, it would also be such a reminder of the absence of Nash.

So yesterday morning we met our photographer, Erica May, at a park about half an hour away from our house. It was a cool, cloudy morning and had rained for the previous 36 hours. But the atmosphere was very peaceful and the surroundings were beautiful. She spent almost an hour with us, shooting close to 500 pictures. I told her Nash's story and asked if there was a way to incorporate yellow balloons into some of the pics. She was more than willing and had some great ideas of how to do so.

I am thankful that we were able to do this as a family. I believe with all my heart that my sweet boy was there with us. But I wish so badly that his little face was smiling back at the camera with Tate. I pray that he knows that the last thing I want is for him to ever think our family is complete without him. That we yearn for him now just as we did the day he made his way to heaven. But I also pray that he is proud of us for doing things to celebrate our family in the very best way we know how.

Click here for a link to Erica's blog, where she shared some of the pics of us. Enjoy!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Double Dipper

Just a funny story for y'all...

Tate and I went to church this weekend while Brad was playing softball. He always sees me dip my finger in the Holy Water on my way in and out of the building. As we were leaving, I reached for the Holy Water and did the sign of the cross. Before I could stop him, Tate reached up and dipped all his fingers in the little gold bowl and then stuck them in his mouth and sucked the water from them! I quietly told him that the Water was special and we don't drink it. As we kept walking, I reminded him that we do the sign of the cross after we touch the Water. So then he quickly turned around and ran back through the line of people and dipped his fingers in it again and did "his version" of the sign of the cross! He was so proud of himself. And all I could do was smile and shake my head...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

27 Weeks

I have less than three months to go... But at times, it feels like I should be right there at the end, ready for this little one to join us. I can definitely feel the difference with this pregnancy. I still feel pretty good and really can't complain much. I just feel like my body is "dragging" a lot more than it did with either Tate or Nash. At first I was thinking that's because maybe this time it's a girl and my hormones are just different. But then on the other hand, maybe it's because once the baby gets here I will have had three babies in almost exactly 3 1/2 years, so my body may just be trying to keep up!!!

With Tate and Nash, I was pretty certain that they would be boys even though we didn't find out. But with this one, I haven't felt that strong inkling yet. I had a dream the other night that I was having a boy. Was that a sign??? Then at the grocery store last week, the bagger at the check-out stand was an older Asian woman. She asked if I was having a girl or a boy and when I said I didn't know, she said, "Oh, I'll tell you." She then made me take off my sweatshirt and turn around. She quickly ran her hand from the middle of my back to the very top of my waist, and simply said, "Boy." Hmmmm....

So I'm starting to lean towards feeling like this one is a boy too. But who knows? I could be totally off this time! Only three more months until we find out!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

My Very Own Spiderman

For the last month, Tate has been debating what he wanted to be for Halloween... Spiderman or the red Power Ranger. It's such a hard choice for a three year old boy!!! After much thought and discussion, Spiderman was the winner!

My mom took Tate to my dad's office to show off his costume on Friday. When the receptionist asked him his name he said, "Spiderman." She then said, "No I mean your real name." So he replied, "Peter Parker." I guess he was really trying to stay in character???

Then yesterday I let him wear his costume to the grocery story (ONLY because it was Halloween). Everyone was playing along, saying, "Oh, wow! It's Spiderman!" Tate was loving it! He sat in the cart and pretended to shoot other shoppers with his net as we rode past.

Last night we had a really good time. Our street gets a city permit every year and blocks off the entrances. Then we all met in the middle of the block to hang out and eat pizza. I cannot believe how many kids are on our street. EVERYONE was out - from little babies up to the high schoolers. It was really fun to be a part of such a great tradition.

After visiting with the neighbors, we set off for trick or treating. I have to brag on my little Tater for second here... I can't tell you how many times someone handing out candy commented on his politeness, as he cheerfully told them "Thank you!" for whatever it was they gave him. At one point, I got a little nervous when a man gave him a bag of pretzels. I was waiting for him to yell, "But I don't like pretzels!" After all, that's what he tells me when I try to give them to him. But he just told the man thank you and walked back down the steps. Such a sweet boy!

When we got back to the house, the three of us sat outside, handing out candy to the trick or treaters who came by. Brad and I started talking about how much fun it was to celebrate this day with Tate and yet how bittersweet it was to not have Nash with us. I can just picture those two boys trudging up to the doors, Nash trying his best to keep up with his big brother. I wonder what Nash would have wanted to dress up as... Maybe we'd have two little Spidermans on our hands. What I wouldn't give to know...

Love to y'all,
Tracy