Horses and Zebras

As many of you know, I attend a monthly support group called The Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost children. While I HATE that I have a reason to go, I always find myself looking forward to the meetings. I have found many friends and lots of comfort in the walls of that room. We cry and laugh and just talk about what we're feeling that particular day. I always leave with a renewed feeling of hope. And more often than not, I am truly affected by something that someone said - whether it be advice, or a story, or just their unending strength...

This past Tuesday was our October meeting. There was a woman there who shared with us a story that she had recently heard about people like us - people forced to live their lives without their child...

Basically, all people in the world can be considered "horses." We run in packs, each having our own small differences, but remain so similar to all those around us. Then when one of our children dies, all of a sudden we change. We are no longer "horses"; now we are "zebras." We kind of look the same and even try to act like a regular old horse, but we are forever changed. Other "horses" may try to treat us like fellow horses or try to still picture us like them, but to no avail. No matter how much time has gone by, a zebra can never go back to being a horse.

June 28, 2008 - The last picture of me as my "old" self.

For some reason that little comparison really resonated with me. I can try as I might to be the "old" me, but the circumstances of my life won't allow me to do that. I have to follow this new path and see what it has in store for me. I must learn to accept who I am now.

I am a zebra.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

A Better Birthday

Last year today was a really tough day for me - I spent most of it fighting back tears, wishing for the one birthday wish I knew wouldn't come true.

No matter how much time passes, I think this day will always be difficult. It's just hard to realize how much time has gone by since I last had Nash in my arms. And birthdays are a huge reminder of this.

With the feelings of last year not far from my mind, I was worried about how today would go. But now that it's here, I think I'm doing better than I had anticipated. The entire weekend has been full of time spent with Brad and Tate, which always seems to help.

Yesterday, we went to the pumpkin patch where we fed the animals, ate hotdogs, played on the hay bales, and looked at pumpkins. Last night we went out for a nice family dinner at Hooters - okay, I admit it, I love their wings... And this morning, we did the real celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese's!

I've truly had a great weekend with my little family. Even though I miss Nash like crazy, I know he has been with us. I have to believe that's how I've been able to get through it with less tears than last year.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and prayers for a peaceful day (I know those helped too!!!).

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Pumpkin Patch

LOVE this pic!

Chuck E. Cheese's

"This pizza is GOOD!"

Nothing like a mini Tootsie Pop and a bendy straw to brighten your day!

Brothers

Last night, while saying our prayers at bedtime, I asked Tate what he was thankful for. Without hesitation, he replied, "Jesus." We talked for a little bit about how happy we are that Nash is with Jesus now and that he is being taken care of so perfectly in heaven.

I thought the conversation would end there, until Tate said, "I miss Nash." Tears immediately sprung to my eyes as I told him I missed him too. I tried to reassure Tate that even though Nash isn't with us anymore, he will always be his brother. That's when Tate asked, "But what is a brother?" My heart dropped as I realized that he didn't really understand what it meant to have a brother because he was so little when Nash was here. So I tried to explain that families have all different members in them, like mommies and daddies. And I said that sometimes, when they're really lucky, there are two little boys in the family - these would be brothers. Tate thought for a second and then said, "But now we only have one boy." That's when my heart broke yet again.

None of this is fair. None of us understand why or how this happened. So how on earth am I supposed to explain it to my three year old little boy - who should be so innocent, and yet knows way too much about the realities of life?

I often imagine what it would be like, watching Tate and Nash together... Tate needs his brother so badly. He needs him to play swords with, and pitch baseballs to. He needs him to crawl into bed with, and snuggle with their blankies. He needs him to share his cookies with and giggle as they watch the Disney Channel. I would give anything to give those experiences back to both of them. I often feel sorry for myself because of all the things Brad and I will miss out on when it comes to Nash. But, my sweet Tate is missing out too.

I pray that Tate will keep Nash's memory close in his heart. I pray that he will never doubt how much his little brother loved him and looked up to him. I pray that he will have some memory of the short time they spent together.

My two sweet boys. Tate and Nash. Brothers.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Weekend in Chicago

Tate and I just got back from our trip to Chicago. We flew out on Thursday evening with my mom to visit my brother. We had a great time and were VERY busy!!! Instead of writing all the fun we did, I figured I could share our experience through pictures. Enjoy!

Friday - Children's Museum at Navy Pier

Climbing in the pirate ship.

Practicing bowling skills.

Writing the letter "T".

Playing in the "Water Room."

Building a skyscraper.

Checking out the traffic lights and policeman.

Friday - ESPN Zone for dinner

Our Big League Pitcher - 22 mph!!!

Practicing his fancy footwork.

Saturday - Lincoln Park Zoo

Watching the polar bear together.

Grandma, Grandpa, and the rhinos - what could be better than that?

Tate telling me, "We're at the zooooooo!!!"

The cheesiest of cheeses!

Saturday - Lunch at Portillo's - YUM!!!

Nothing like a real Chicago Dog!

Saturday - Dinner at Rainforest Cafe

Tate's new sssssssnake!

So despite the FREEZING temperatures, we had a great time. But it's always good to get home again. Now, I'm off to get my little guy in the tub - gotta wash off those nasty airplane germs!!!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Oh Baby!

Just a quick pregnancy update for y'all that are interested...

~ 23 weeks along

~ Gained close to 20 pounds so far (this seems a bit much compared to the last two at this point)

~ Pretty tired by the time it gets dark out... which happens to be earlier and earlier every day, right?

~ "Baby bump" has turned into a full-fledged pregnant belly!

~ Feet are KILLING me by the end of the day - feels like the bottoms have been hit by hammers - YUCK!

~ A nice, "hearty" appetite - salty, sweet, and everything in between

~ Still wavering between my thoughts on the baby's gender... if I were forced to choose at this point, I'd go with boy.

~ Feeling baby move around like crazy!!! My belly "jumps" all the time - I love watching it!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Mass Of Remembering

In the Catholic church, October 2nd marks the Memorial of the Guardian Angels, where we thank God for the angels that watch over us during our life on this earth. One of nearby churches hosts a special Mass on this day to honor childen that have died and to give thanks to the angels that helped them as they entered the heavenly gates. We attended this Mass last October and tonight my parents and I went to it again.

I honestly didn't want to go this year... I hated that I had a reason to be there. Like last year, it was very emotional, however, at the same time, it made me feel so close to my sweet Nash. I just sat there, thinking of him and imagining him in the arms of our Savior, where someday I pray we all will be. Being there brings on such strange feelings of opposition: it breaks my heart and gives me peace at the same time.

The hymns sung during our normal Masses always are what seem to get to me and tonight was no exception. The recessional hymn was one that was played at Nash's funeral ("I Want to Walk As a Child of the Light"). I can remember barely choking out the words on that horrible day. And then the processional hymn we sang tonight is one that our church sings quite often and I cannot, for the life of me, get the words to come out through my tears... It's beautiful and I always imagine Nash, in his last moments, following his guardian angel towards God - never looking back. I have to believe that he knew not to be afraid and was full of peace and comfort as he left this earth.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite verse and the refrain to "You Are Mine."

I will come to you in the silence,
I will lift you from all your fear.
You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here.

Refrain:
Do not be afraid, I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me, I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine.

Love to y'all,
Tracy