Today is one of those days I've been dreading...
Many of you probably don't know the exact circumstances of how Nash ended up in Iowa when he died... Brad and I were planning on taking the boys to Iowa to spend the week of the 4th with Brad's family. The weekend before we were supposed to go, we had a wedding to attend in Minneapolis. Brad and I were planning on leaving the boys with my parents while we were gone. Once we got back from that, I'd finish up my last week of grad school and then we'd get on another plane to Iowa with the boys.
A couple days before the wedding, Brad's mom suggested that when we go to the wedding, we just bring the boys with us (they were both still considered "lap children"). She would drive up to Minneapolis and meet us. We could hand over the boys and go the wedding as planned. Then she'd just keep the boys until we flew up to Iowa the following week to celebrate the 4th. This way, she'd get to spend more time with the boys. In addition, after the wedding, Brad and I could go back to Texas for the week and I could finish up my class and all the last minute assignments, etc. At first I was totally against the idea because I didn't want to be away from the boys for a whole week, but after lots of praying about it, I thought it was a good idea since my in-laws didn't get to spend much time with them, living so far away.
So last June 27th, we flew up to Minneapolis. It was hectic as could be... typical of a family with two boys under the age of two. We couldn't sit together on the plane because both boys were lap children. So I had Tate and Brad was in charge of Nash. I remember when we took off, Nash started crying pretty hard - I could hear him from my seat a couple of rows up. "Poor Brad," I thought. But soon enough he quieted down and I remember looking back and seeing Brad with his eyes closed, Nash nestled into his neck, fast asleep. So sweet...
We got to Minneapolis and I remember finding a place in the airport that had warm water so we could make a bottle for Nash - he had refused it on the plane with Brad. I remember that it took forever to make our way to the car rental place. Once there, Nash and I stood in line for a long time to get our car. Eventually we drove to the Mall of America to meet Brad's mom and aunt.
I remember it was drizzling outside when we got there. I remember we went to the Rainforest Cafe. Nash was sleeping in his carrier. I remember that we ordered an appetizer sampler, but neither Brad or I was hungry enough to finish it. I remember our waitress spilled a Coke on her tray and it splashed down onto Nash, who woke up screaming, drenched, and sticky. I remember Tate walking around the mall with Brad's aunt while we changed Nash's clothes and tried to get him to eat his bottle for the millionth time.
I remember walking out to my mother-in-law's truck and loading all the boys' suitcases, toys, food, etc. I remember Nash sitting in his carrier next to the truck. I remember kissing Tate and telling him to listen to his grandma and to be very safe (my in-laws live on a lake and I was so worried about him being a little too curious about the water). I remember leaning over Nash and telling him that I really needed him to start eating better.
But I can't remember saying good-bye. I don't remember if I kissed Nash on his forehead or his mouth or if I held his hands in mine. I don't remember the look in his eyes. I don't even remember if I did this while he was still in the parking lot or actually in the back of the truck. I can't remember. Why can't I remember?
The weird thing is I remember walking away, crying. I felt silly that I was so emotional. After all, I'd see them in just a couple of days, right? I remember pulling out of the parking lot and craning my neck to watch their truck. And I remember the next day when Brad and I went back to the mall to do some shopping, I saw their parking space again and I stared at it as we passed.
I just don't remember telling Nash good-bye.
My prayer is that Nash knew in that moment the love I felt for him. He knew one hundred percent that he and his brother were everything to his daddy and I. And I pray that now in heaven, Nash remembers that moment... that he remembers the kisses and hugs and words that were said...
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
June 24, 2008
We now have exactly one week until the anniversary of Nash's death. I feel like it's some sort of countdown... But instead of there being something exciting at the end of it, it will just be a re-opening of an already gushing wound.
Last year on this day I was in the middle of taking my last graduate class and only a couple days away from officially having my Master's Degree. I remember that I had class and, like usual, my mom watched the boys for me.
Nash had always been a baby that wasn't the easiest to feed. But at this time last year he had been having some serious trouble eating for a couple of days. He was only eating half of what he would normally eat and that was after hours of trying to get anything down him. When we weren't trying to feed him, he acted as normal as could be.
I called the pediatrician that morning and explained what was going on. They told me the PA could see Nash that evening after my class got over with. I remember our appointment was around 6:00. When the two of us went back into the exam room, the nurse told me to undress him down to his diaper. I followed her directions and held him until the PA arrived. I remember that he kept craning his neck to look at a small poster on the wall that was announcing some new policy in how the office handled insurance. He wouldn't stop looking at it and I laughed as he kept wanting to see it.
Soon the PA came into the room and Nash looked right at her and began smiling and cooing. I remember her words exactly... "Well this sure doesn't look like a sick baby!" I nodded in agreement and told her what had been going on. She looked him over, asked me some routine questions, and listened to his heart. Yes, SHE LISTENED TO HIS HEART. Her final diagnosis? He was probably teething and his acid reflux was acting up. She told me to give him Tylenol to dull the tooth pain and she showed me a different way to administer his acid reflux meds. I left the office feeling happy and relieved.
I remember driving through Arby's on our way home... Nash started getting a little fussy as I was getting my food and I undid my seatbelt and found his binky for him. That seemed to help and he was good for the rest of the ride home.
I don't like driving by that Arby's anymore.
So now a year later, I just can't help but relive that day. I took him to his doctor and everything was fine... Or so we thought. Maybe I should have asked more questions or been more demanding. Maybe I should have brought in a bottle so she could have seen how uncomfortable he was when he tried to eat. There's just so many what if's running through my mind. And I just can't get past the fact that I didn't know how sick my little boy was.
HE WAS DYING AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
What kind of mother doesn't know that???
Again, please pray for us. And please pray that Nash forgives me for not doing more to help him. God knows I would have done anything and everything to save him.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Last year on this day I was in the middle of taking my last graduate class and only a couple days away from officially having my Master's Degree. I remember that I had class and, like usual, my mom watched the boys for me.
Nash had always been a baby that wasn't the easiest to feed. But at this time last year he had been having some serious trouble eating for a couple of days. He was only eating half of what he would normally eat and that was after hours of trying to get anything down him. When we weren't trying to feed him, he acted as normal as could be.
I called the pediatrician that morning and explained what was going on. They told me the PA could see Nash that evening after my class got over with. I remember our appointment was around 6:00. When the two of us went back into the exam room, the nurse told me to undress him down to his diaper. I followed her directions and held him until the PA arrived. I remember that he kept craning his neck to look at a small poster on the wall that was announcing some new policy in how the office handled insurance. He wouldn't stop looking at it and I laughed as he kept wanting to see it.
Soon the PA came into the room and Nash looked right at her and began smiling and cooing. I remember her words exactly... "Well this sure doesn't look like a sick baby!" I nodded in agreement and told her what had been going on. She looked him over, asked me some routine questions, and listened to his heart. Yes, SHE LISTENED TO HIS HEART. Her final diagnosis? He was probably teething and his acid reflux was acting up. She told me to give him Tylenol to dull the tooth pain and she showed me a different way to administer his acid reflux meds. I left the office feeling happy and relieved.
I remember driving through Arby's on our way home... Nash started getting a little fussy as I was getting my food and I undid my seatbelt and found his binky for him. That seemed to help and he was good for the rest of the ride home.
I don't like driving by that Arby's anymore.
So now a year later, I just can't help but relive that day. I took him to his doctor and everything was fine... Or so we thought. Maybe I should have asked more questions or been more demanding. Maybe I should have brought in a bottle so she could have seen how uncomfortable he was when he tried to eat. There's just so many what if's running through my mind. And I just can't get past the fact that I didn't know how sick my little boy was.
HE WAS DYING AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.
What kind of mother doesn't know that???
Again, please pray for us. And please pray that Nash forgives me for not doing more to help him. God knows I would have done anything and everything to save him.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Saturday, June 20, 2009
"All Those Boys..."
Tate and I have been in Iowa for almost a week. A couple days ago, Brad's sister, Jill and her family joined us. She has two little boys, Cade (almost 2 1/2) and Colton (5 months). Since we've all been here, I cannot tell you how many times we have been somewhere and someone makes a comment about "All those boys..."
"You sure have a housefull with all those boys!"
"Must be a pretty noisy with all those boys!"
"How lucky! All those boys!"
"Aren't they cute? All those boys!"
"Look how sweet they are together... all those boys!"
Every time I hear those words I find myself wanting to do one of two things: scream or curl up in a ball and cry. I hate those words. I hate them. I realize that everyone who says them is offering up nice compliments about our growing families... but they don't understand the depth of the meaning of them. Those three words are a glaring reminder to me that this family is incomplete.
I wonder what people would say if Nash was here. There would four little boys all under the age of three! I would give anything to see that. I can just imagine Nash trying to keep up with Tate and Cade... crying because they play too rough; not being able to run up and down the stairs to the basement; being too slow to grab any candy at the parade we went to today. That's how it should be. I shouldn't be forced to take my two year old to the cemetery on our way home from being out. That's not how it should be.
But it is.
It's hard for me to think that everytime we have our families together this is the way it will be... People will comment on how lucky we are to have all these little ones running at our feet. And yet even though I know we are COMPLETELY blessed with the boys we have with us, this family is also COMPLETELY devastated that one is missing. There will always be someone that isn't here.
Being here is getting harder and harder as the days go on. Brad doesn't get here for five more days and then he's leaving for a five day fishing trip with his dad, brother, and Jill's husband. I miss him like crazy and feel like I'm going to need him more and more over these next few weeks. My emotions are on complete overload and I feel like I'm unraveling. The anniversary of Nash's death is only like 10 days away and I just pray I can get through this. It seems like such an uphill battle at this point.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
"You sure have a housefull with all those boys!"
"Must be a pretty noisy with all those boys!"
"How lucky! All those boys!"
"Aren't they cute? All those boys!"
"Look how sweet they are together... all those boys!"
Every time I hear those words I find myself wanting to do one of two things: scream or curl up in a ball and cry. I hate those words. I hate them. I realize that everyone who says them is offering up nice compliments about our growing families... but they don't understand the depth of the meaning of them. Those three words are a glaring reminder to me that this family is incomplete.
I wonder what people would say if Nash was here. There would four little boys all under the age of three! I would give anything to see that. I can just imagine Nash trying to keep up with Tate and Cade... crying because they play too rough; not being able to run up and down the stairs to the basement; being too slow to grab any candy at the parade we went to today. That's how it should be. I shouldn't be forced to take my two year old to the cemetery on our way home from being out. That's not how it should be.
But it is.
It's hard for me to think that everytime we have our families together this is the way it will be... People will comment on how lucky we are to have all these little ones running at our feet. And yet even though I know we are COMPLETELY blessed with the boys we have with us, this family is also COMPLETELY devastated that one is missing. There will always be someone that isn't here.
Being here is getting harder and harder as the days go on. Brad doesn't get here for five more days and then he's leaving for a five day fishing trip with his dad, brother, and Jill's husband. I miss him like crazy and feel like I'm going to need him more and more over these next few weeks. My emotions are on complete overload and I feel like I'm unraveling. The anniversary of Nash's death is only like 10 days away and I just pray I can get through this. It seems like such an uphill battle at this point.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Good-Bye
As most of you know, it's been a really crazy week... Fourteen hours from now we will finally close on our old house and it will be in the hands of it's new owners.
The past three days have been spent moving to our new house. We are so blessed to have had so many people helping us... some of our friends, my parents, and Brad's mom, brother, and cousin even came down from Iowa to help us out. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tate seems to be settling in pretty well. He's very worn out by the end of each day. I think he's still a little confused about what's going on. But overall, he's doing his best to adjust and is enjoying exploring his new house.
Today I had to do something I've been dreading since the day our house was sold. I went over there for the last time. I walked through each room, trying to remember all the little details. It's so funny how a house can hold so much meaning... After all, it's just a shell of wood and brick. And yet each room represents distinct memories. The spot in the kitchen where I was when I told Brad I was pregnant with Tate. The bathroom where both our boys got their nightly baths. The floor in front of the TV in the family room where Nash would play. The boys' bedrooms. It's hard to believe that I won't ever be back within those walls again.
That house became a part of our family. It knows all our deepest secrets and has felt our grief in our darkest hours. As much as I wanted to move, I am so sad to say good-bye. I am thankful for the six years we had in it and pray that it's next owner makes many happy memories there as well.
As I drove away today, tears streaming down my cheeks, I couldn't help but pray that Nash knows where to find us. I know that he is in all of our hearts and with us no matter where we go. But it's really hard for me to worry that he thinks we left him or that we are moving on. I want so badly to tell him that even though his little feet haven't touched the floors of our new house, he is here with us. He is still a member of our family and we will carry him with us always.
We leave tomorrow to head to Iowa until July 5th. Brad isn't going to join us for a couple of weeks. I know Tate and I are going to miss him like crazy. Please pray for safe travels and for Brad to be safe and sound while we're gone.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
The past three days have been spent moving to our new house. We are so blessed to have had so many people helping us... some of our friends, my parents, and Brad's mom, brother, and cousin even came down from Iowa to help us out. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tate seems to be settling in pretty well. He's very worn out by the end of each day. I think he's still a little confused about what's going on. But overall, he's doing his best to adjust and is enjoying exploring his new house.
Today I had to do something I've been dreading since the day our house was sold. I went over there for the last time. I walked through each room, trying to remember all the little details. It's so funny how a house can hold so much meaning... After all, it's just a shell of wood and brick. And yet each room represents distinct memories. The spot in the kitchen where I was when I told Brad I was pregnant with Tate. The bathroom where both our boys got their nightly baths. The floor in front of the TV in the family room where Nash would play. The boys' bedrooms. It's hard to believe that I won't ever be back within those walls again.
That house became a part of our family. It knows all our deepest secrets and has felt our grief in our darkest hours. As much as I wanted to move, I am so sad to say good-bye. I am thankful for the six years we had in it and pray that it's next owner makes many happy memories there as well.
As I drove away today, tears streaming down my cheeks, I couldn't help but pray that Nash knows where to find us. I know that he is in all of our hearts and with us no matter where we go. But it's really hard for me to worry that he thinks we left him or that we are moving on. I want so badly to tell him that even though his little feet haven't touched the floors of our new house, he is here with us. He is still a member of our family and we will carry him with us always.
We leave tomorrow to head to Iowa until July 5th. Brad isn't going to join us for a couple of weeks. I know Tate and I are going to miss him like crazy. Please pray for safe travels and for Brad to be safe and sound while we're gone.
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Monday, June 8, 2009
Holloway Lane
The good news? We closed on our new house this afternoon and it's now offically ours.
The bad news? We were scheduled to close on our "old" house last Friday and as of today we still haven't closed yet... We've been assured over and over that everything is fine and that it's just taking a little longer than expected. The new date of closing is set for a week from today.
So in the mean time, we own two houses. Ouch. That's a little scary, huh? I'm trying not to think too much about it. And if something unforeseen happens and things don't go as planned, I'll be petitioning anyone who reads this to send us some cash while we take care of two mortgages! So for your own sake, say a little prayer that things go through!
For those of you that want to update your address book, here's our new one:
8813 Holloway Lane
Plano, Texas 75025
Love to y'all,
Tracy
The bad news? We were scheduled to close on our "old" house last Friday and as of today we still haven't closed yet... We've been assured over and over that everything is fine and that it's just taking a little longer than expected. The new date of closing is set for a week from today.
So in the mean time, we own two houses. Ouch. That's a little scary, huh? I'm trying not to think too much about it. And if something unforeseen happens and things don't go as planned, I'll be petitioning anyone who reads this to send us some cash while we take care of two mortgages! So for your own sake, say a little prayer that things go through!
For those of you that want to update your address book, here's our new one:8813 Holloway Lane
Plano, Texas 75025
Love to y'all,
Tracy
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
BUSY!
So we've had a lot going on lately and I have a feeling that the next couple of weeks are going to get crazier and crazier... The sale of our house is FINALLY official and we close in two days and then early next week we close on our new one. In the mean time, we've got to pack, pack, pack. Did I mention we need to pack? As of right now, we have a whopping three boxes full... Needless to say, we've got a ways to go.
I think the days have just gotten away from us - it's like we've been kidding ourselves that we have plenty of time. Oops. Did we pack over the weekend to get a good start on it??? Nope! We went to a softball tournament! Oh well, at least I got some cute pics of Tate...
What a sweet mess!
My Little Lefty
My excuse as to why I haven't packed more... there's a kid eating a cookie in the box!
I think the days have just gotten away from us - it's like we've been kidding ourselves that we have plenty of time. Oops. Did we pack over the weekend to get a good start on it??? Nope! We went to a softball tournament! Oh well, at least I got some cute pics of Tate...
What a sweet mess!
My Little Lefty
My excuse as to why I haven't packed more... there's a kid eating a cookie in the box!Love to y'all,
Tracy
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