A Busy Week

We actually had some really good news over the past couple days or so. Last week Brad was offered two jobs in two days! He'd been in the interview process at two different companies and they both came to him with offers within twenty-four hours of each other. After much discussion and the weighing of pros and cons, he decided to accept an IT position with Atmos Energy in Dallas. I'm so proud of Brad for all his hard work during this long process. I know that his new company will soon see what a great decision they made in hiring him as a part of their team. He'll begin this new journey on May 18th.

In addition, last Tuesday, April 21st, we officially put our house on the market! We are wanting to move a little further south into Plano just to be closer to both of our jobs. So we've been cleaning like crazy, getting ready to show the house. We even had a builder come in and put up a wall with French doors in our living room to make it into an office. So we had two people look at the house over the weekend and........ Monday morning our realtor called, saying we had an offer!!! The contracts have been signed and we are scheduled to close on June 4th! Needless to say, we are beyond thrilled and just praying that everything works out and there are no unforeseen problems. So now we have some serious house hunting to do!
We are so thankful for these two blessings. We'll take all the good news we can get. I'm trying to think optimistically about this new chapter in our lives, but in the back of my mind, I am dreading the final moments in this house... The house we brought our babies home to. The house where we lived as a family of four. The walls that protected my sweet boys. The bedrooms where my babies slept at night. The air that Nash breathed... I know that saying good-bye will be tough. Please pray for peace in our hearts.

I'll be sure to keep y'all filled in on the house hunting process. I'm sure it's going to start getting a little crazy!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

What Now?

A couple days ago, Brad's mom called and said she had just gone out to visit Nash's grave and when she got there, his headstone was there. We ordered it when we went to Iowa for Christmas and were expecting it to get there sometime late May or June. We just prayed it would be there before July 1st.

When her words sunk in, part of me was so relieved that it got there in time. Part of me was happy that Nash finally had a beautiful marker instead of a tiny plaque from the funeral home. But most of me was completely devastated. I hate that Brad and I know what it feels like to pick out a headstone for our baby. I hate that the stone is all we have to visit. I hate that I can't go to "see" him more often. And I hate that this was the last thing on our list to get figured out... we planned the funeral in Iowa, we planned the service down here, we got our bench, we received the autopsy report, and now we have the headstone. That's it. What do we do now? It feels too complete. Enough time has gone by that all of these things have been arranged. The days keep getting further and further away from when Nash was here with me. So what now?

Honestly, I'm not really sure. So I guess I'll just keep holding on.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

March For Babies

So yesterday was the day we've been gearing up for for the last two months or so... we joined thousands of others across America as we walked five miles in support of the March of Dimes' goal of all babies being born healthy. I am completely overwhelmed by the tremendous support I was given by all those who donated money to this amazing cause. Because of you, I raised $3275 in Nash's name to give to the March of Dimes. Thank you, thank you... from the bottom of my heart.

I would like to share something that I haven't really talked about as of yet. The day after Nash died, we were told he had two things wrong with his heart - he had only two of the three cusps that should be on his aortic valve (he was born with this). Secondly, he had endocardial fibroelastosis (EFE), which was basically a large amount of tissue that grew on his left ventricle - this caused his heart to function incorrectly. EFE is said to not be congenital, but it develops very early on in an infant's life. This is what ultimately caused the problems Nash was having the day he went to the hospital. We were under the impression that these two issues were independent of each other - that neither was related to the other. After reading through Nash's autopsy report a couple weeks ago, however, I found that the EFE seems to have occured because he had something wrong with his heart from the day he was born. Because he only had two cusps on his aortic valve, the EFE was able to develop. I had no idea.

Finding this out makes me hope that someday doctors will do more to look at babies' hearts than they do now. Maybe babies like Nash would be able to be saved. The present-day routine screenings do not pick up the sort of problems Nash had, but an echocardiogram would have easily done just that. The March of Dimes does a lot of work to get babies more screenings that help prevent various health issues. Maybe new procedures in checking babies' hearts will someday be on that list.

So thank you again to all of you... those that helped me raise money, those that sent us your prayers as we walked, and those that were with us in spirit. It was a very emotional day to say the least. Thank you also to my parents and the Hathcock family who all walked beside us despite the damp weather. Thank you to Linda Bailey for organizing our team and for encouraging me to participate. Linda... I know Madison was right alongside Nash yesterday as they looked down on their families.

I look forward to next year... By walking in this March, it feels like I am still "taking care" of my little boy. I am showing him that he mattered when he was here and he matters now.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Last Year

Last year, Easter was wonderful... a house full of little boys, Easter eggs, and laughter. Last year I was completely happy. One hundred percent. Last year my life was full as I celebrated this important day with the boys I loved so dearly.

So this year, I was actually looking forward to Easter because lately I've been thinking more and more about the meaning behind it. I was taught what Easter was all about at a young age, like most other Christians. But this year, I found that I am beyond grateful that we are able to celebrate this day... All because of a God that loves us so completely that He sacrificed His only son for our eternal happiness. There are no words that can explain how deeply I am affected by this. Many times this is what gets me out of bed in the morning. My faith in this has gotten me this far in my grief journey. So I was looking forward to celebrating this year.

But once the day came, the emotions running through my veins were so much more painful than I had imagined. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was just because I didn't expect it to hit me as it did. Maybe it was because I kept thinking about how last year my biggest concern was getting through the entire Mass without either of my sons creating a loud scene. Or maybe it was because I was just plain overwhelmed. It doesn't really matter the reason behind it, all I know is that I felt literally sick all day, as my heart crumbled into more pieces.

Of course I enjoyed watching Tate find his Easter eggs. He made me smile through my tears like he always does. But I couldn't help but imagine the day with another little boy running around, trying his best to keep up with the big brother that he adored so much. What a beautiful day it would have been...

Instead of toys and candy, I had to settle for Nash's Easter basket filled with white roses as it sat on the center of our table during dinner. While I love this tradition (and will continue it in the future), I hate that I have to do it. It's not the way I ever imagined my Easters to be.
What I wouldn't give to go back to a year ago... two Easter baskets. Two little boys. A full heart. Not wanting anything more than what I already had. Complete contentment. It seems so far away now. Like some fantastic dream. Now I must learn to live on hope and faith that there will be a day when we all will be reunited in God's kingdom forever and ever. Happy Easter.

We live by faith, not by sight. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:7

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Did He Really Just Say That?!

A funny story... (WARNING: Bathroom Humor!)

I was getting Tate ready for a bath and stripped him down while he was playing in the family room. When I took off his diaper he surprised me with a couple little "pellets" of poop, which he informed me were "just some little turds in there." Nice...

So I immediately put him in the tub and within minutes he says there are "turds" in the tub. I go and look and see a few teensy tiny things on the bottom of the tub. Gross. Tate is fascinated by them and keeps looking for them as I'm trying to hurry up and wash him off. When I'm done, he tells me he wants to get out of the tub so he can "see the turds go down there," as he points to the drain.

So he stands next to the tub as the water slowly drains, keeping his eyes fixed on the little brown specks. He is smiling ear to ear as he watches. And then he looks up at me and says, "I love turds." I kid you not. Those were his exact words. Ew.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Highs and Lows

Today Brad and I went to the Opening Day Rangers Game with a bunch of friends. Despite the freezing temps, we had a great time, relaxing and hanging out. (It was like 40 degrees out... and that's about as cold as we can handle down here!!!) To top it off, the Rangers actually won 9 - 1!

We got home around 5 and I began tidying up and getting stuff ready for Tate's dinner. Brad ran out and grabbed the mail and came in with a bundle of envelopes like usual. He leaned against the counter and sighed as he read the contents of one of them...

It was Nash's autopsy report. After more than nine months, we finally got it in the mail as I requested. We already know the diagnosis, but for some reason I just feel like I need to have everything in this world that has his name on it. I have his entire file from his pediatrician's office and all the hospital records from when he was in Iowa. The autopsy report was the last thing on my list of things to get. I actually have called the hospital three times asking for it, but it hasn't been ready. After like 5 months of waiting, I finally got the courage up to call again last week and was told that it was still "pending." I was in tears with the woman on the phone, as she asked all the routine questions as she was looking it up...

"Name of deceased?" ... "Nash Sievers."

"Your relationship to him?" ... "His mother."

Like so many other times, I just kept thinking, "Who does this??? Who drives home from work and has to call some faraway hospital, asking for her son's autopsy report?" And then when the woman said it wasn't quite done, I felt sick because I knew that meant I would have to get the guts up to call again. So today when it came in the mail, I was a bit relieved to know I wouldn't have to do that. I guess that was one positive that came out of it.

But reading those three sheets of stapled paper just makes it all so final. It's all summed up; there in black and white. All these facts that only add up to one thing: my son is gone and he is never coming back. Blond hair... blue eyes... 25 inches long... 15.3 pounds... "... a well nourished, well-developed male infant appearing his stated age." It's all so official.

There are some things on it that I don't quite understand and when I get up enough energy, I will look up the uncertain terms like I did page by page on all the other records I have of Nash. I just have this need to know everything and read everything so that what happened to him makes some sort of sense to me. However, I'm learning that even as I understand more fully what happened, there are always more questions that arise... most of which won't be answered until Nash and I are face to face again, at the feet of God. But I have a feeling that in that moment, I won't need answers anymore.

As great as today began, it has had a tough ending. But I am grateful to now have this last report in my hands. I guess I can throw away the pink sticky note in the very front of my planner that read's "Auto. - Nash" ...That To Do List has now been completed.

I'm sorry if this was a little more than any of you wanted to read... but I feel like I needed to write about it. Sometimes the tears alone aren't enough to get it all out. Maybe now I will have some peace as I go to sleep tonight.

Love to y'all,

Tracy