Hand, Belly, Heart

We have now endured our second Christmas without Nash. Just like last year, it was such a day of mixed emotions... We were so thankful to be spending it with Tate. He lights up our world each and every day and seeing the Christmas magic through the eyes of a three year old little boy is truly a beautiful thing. I always say, he makes me laugh when I feel like crying and there was no exception to this this year. While our hearts are bulging with love for Tate, the gaping hole that's there for Nash is undeniable. It leaves us with so many unanswered questions: What would he have wanted for Christmas? Would he, like Tate, have begged to listen to Christmas music every time we got into the car? What would it be like to entertain both of the boys while trying our best to listen to the priest at Mass on Christmas Eve? I wish more than anything that I knew the answers...

Stockings... Brad, Tate, McCarney, Nash, me

Church was emotional for me, like always. Every year, our priest does a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night" on his harmonica as his "gift" to us, and then we all join in to sing after one verse. This song gets me every single time. The words mean more to me than I can express, and I can barely choke them out through my tears. I just did my best to picture my sweet baby, in the arms of Jesus, being sung to by choirs of angels. His face lit up and happy in the presence of God and all of our family that join him in heaven... "Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace."

Nash's Stocking

At the end of Mass, I stood there wishing there was some way that I could have all my babies with me at that moment. And then it hit me... I did. Tate was right there - standing next to me, his little chubby hand wrapped around my fingers. The new baby was right there - nestled warm and safe in my belly. And Nash was right there too - deep inside my heart; with every beat, he's with me. I am so blessed.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

New "guns" from cousin Cade.
WHOOOHOOOO!!!! A Spiderman Bike!!!
Loading up a Nerf Gun (Santa gave one to Daddy too!)
Basketball Hoop
Black Power Rangers Costume... the only thing he asked Santa for.

GO COWBOYS!!! Spiderman Slippers Rule!

Snowflakes and Strep

What a day!

We began our Christmas Eve morning a little before 8:00 with Tate coming down the stairs, making this horrible sound in his throat. I jokingly asked if he was pretending to be a tiger and he said, "No, my throat hurts." Uh oh. Now most days, this wouldn't bother me so much... He had just woken up, his nose is always a little stuffy because of allergies, etc. But two days ago Brad went to the doctor for a sore throat and found out he had strep.

So we decided that taking Tate to the doctor would probably be the best thing to do especially with tomorrow being Christmas and everything being closed. His regular pediatrician was already closed today, so we took him to an urgent care place instead. He was quite the trooper - he absolutely HATES when a doctor has to swab his throat - probably more than he hates shots. He was soooo worried about it... But when the inevitable happened and the PA asked him to open wide, he did exactly what she asked and after a little gag she got what she needed. Normally we have to hold him down for them to do this, but he was a little champ today!

Needless to say, the results came back positive for strep... like father, like son, right? He's actually been in a great mood all day, considering. I'm just thankful we took him in... maybe we got it before it got too bad. My hope is that tomorrow he'll be feeling just fine and can enjoy his Christmas.

As we were leaving the doctor's office, it was beginning to rain. And within an hour or so, the rain was turning to snow. Now, this is Texas, y'all. We don't do snow here!!! So I was VERY surprised to find that by this afternoon, it was actually sticking! Yep, we're having ourselves a White Christmas! Can you believe it?!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

The Great Divide

These past few weeks have been busier than previous years with Christmas party after Christmas party. Brad and I both are blessed to have such great friends, who like to get together to celebrate. And we're so lucky to have my parents here to help us out by watching Tate so that we can go to these parties without spending all our money on babysitting.

But, after going to four parties in the past two weeks, I've come to be able to predict how they will go... For the last seventeen and half months I'm learning how to anticipate and answer the small-talk questions that come up when first meeting new couples. It usually goes something like this...

We get introduced to a new couple within minutes of entering the door of a party. After exchanging handshakes and names, the questions begin.

"Do you have kids?"
"Yes."
"How many?"
"This will be our third."
"Are they boys or girls?"
"Two boys."
(This is where I begin praying that we can move on to another topic because, inevitably, I know what the next question will be."
"How old are they?"
Ummmmm...

And that's where the awkwardness begins. How do you tell someone casually amidst the holiday music and smells of Christmas cookies that one of your children has died?

Brad and I have had this conversation with new acquaintances more than I care to remember this December. I find myself on edge as I walk through the door, wondering not if it will come up, but when. I don't fault anyone for asking us. In fact, it's just common courtesy to ask about someone else's children. It's just that for us, it's not an easy conversation to have. And then those poor people that asked what they thought was an innocent question, feel horrible for the rest of the night.

So my point here is that I've found that our lives of full of two types of people: those who "know" about Nash and those that "don't." It's so comforting for me to walk into a party and know that all the people in attendance already know what happened. I feel so much more peace and never feel on edge while we're there. I can actually enjoy myself.

I'm so grateful for all the friends Brad and I have that obviously know our story, but also treat us just like they always have. Y'all make me feel as "normal" as I ever will and being in the same place as you, is a safe place for me. Thank you all for being part of our "safe place."

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Candles For Nash

As many of you know, tonight is a very special night. We will be participating in our second annual Worldwide Candle Lighting which is dedicated to all children that have left this earth much too soon.

We would love for you to help us out. Tonight at 7pm local time, we ask that you light a candle in your home for one hour in honor of Nash. As each time zone gets to 7:00 and lights their candles, imagine the giant wave of light as it would look from the heavens. What a beautiful sight!

With the holidays quickly approaching, this time of year gets very difficult. So it truly helps to think of all the family and friends that are thinking about our little boy as they light their candles. To know that so many people are remembering him is such a comforting feeling.

Thank you all so much for your continued support and prayers. Some days it seems as though my grief journey has just begun, and other times, it feels like I've been trudging though this muddy path my entire life. Please know the peace I feel from knowing that you are there, willing to remember our baby along with us. God Bless.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Single Digits

So this week made it official that I only have nine weeks to go before this baby is supposed to be born. Something about hitting this week always makes me a little anxious. I've had plenty of friends whose little ones have joined them waaaaaay before they were scheduled to. So I'm just praying this baby gives us as many weeks as it can before making it's little entrance into our world.

I'm feeling fine - mostly just tired by the end of the day. What's new, right? I'm beginning to see my doctor every other week now (another huge sign that we're getting close!). So I'll be going this Wednesday for my 32 week appointment. I definitely feel like I'm getting huger and huger by the second. Like right now, I can feel the baby kicking the tops of my thighs. Yes, I said "thighs!" My belly rests comfortably on my legs now, it's like the baby is just sitting on my lap... AHHHH!!!

On that note, I need to find something for breakfast... donuts sound good...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Thanksgiving in Iowa

A couple of hours ago, we made it back from our quick trip to Iowa to visit Brad's family for Thanksgiving. I have to say that I'm so blessed that visiting my in-laws (and the rest of Brad's HUGE family) is something I honestly look forward to each time. Each of them have truly become my family and I know how lucky I am to have them.

Brad spent most of his time with all the "men" hunting. His 30th birthday was on Thanksgiving Day, so we had a surprise party planned for him on Friday night. It went off without a hitch and ended up being a fun night full of family and friends.

Tate and I spent a lot of time with Brad's mom, sister, and my nephews. Tate had an absolute blast hanging out with the family. He went "fishing" in the lake (he didn't care he had no bait!), helped Great Grandpa Sievers with chores on the farm, rode the four wheeler, and played like crazy with his cousin, Cade. Yesterday afternoon Tate came to me with tears in his eyes and said, "Aunt Jill said we have to go home soon. Do we?" My heart broke for him. He was having so much fun, he really didn't want it to end. Poor baby...

Doing chores with Great Grandpa

My nephew, Colton Nash Miller (10 months)

Of course, Brad and I went to "see" Nash several times while we were there. It still is such a shocking thing to slowly roll to a stop on a tiny gravel road next to a little grave with your son's name on it. It takes my breath away every single time. Brad and I talked about that while we were there one day. Most times, it's like I hate that we're so far away because I feel like it's irresponsible of me to not be the one there, tending to Nash's grave on a regular basis. I should be the one visiting him all the time. And then I wonder if that would make this harder. Would going to cemetery as part of my routine be something that would take its toll on me even more. Or would I begin to get used to it? I can't imagine that I would... I don't know what the right answer is. I know, in my heart, that we buried him in the right place. I just wish I had it in my power to be there with him more often than I'm able to.

Today on the plane, I remembered that four years ago tonight, Brad and I found out I was pregnant with Tate. I remember that ultimate, pure happiness I felt that night. I remember waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, so excited to be living in my shoes... I'm scared that I won't ever have that feeling again. I don't know that it's possible any more. I think it's just not in the cards for me. I do believe that I will feel joys, but the cross I bear will always be with me and with my family. Every day. That's hard for me to think about. And honestly, I just try not to most of the time. It's the one thing that's just too overwhelming for me at this point.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Family Pictures

Yesterday we did something we haven't done in a long time... We got our family pictures taken by a professional photographer. In fact, the last time we had this done was when Tate was turning one and I was about three months pregnant with Nash. I really wanted to do them now, so we had some keepsakes of us before the new little one gets here. But the decision to actually schedule them was a difficult one because it's so hard to do anything having to do with our "family" because we are NEVER all there. And while having these pictures taken would be great for us, it would also be such a reminder of the absence of Nash.

So yesterday morning we met our photographer, Erica May, at a park about half an hour away from our house. It was a cool, cloudy morning and had rained for the previous 36 hours. But the atmosphere was very peaceful and the surroundings were beautiful. She spent almost an hour with us, shooting close to 500 pictures. I told her Nash's story and asked if there was a way to incorporate yellow balloons into some of the pics. She was more than willing and had some great ideas of how to do so.

I am thankful that we were able to do this as a family. I believe with all my heart that my sweet boy was there with us. But I wish so badly that his little face was smiling back at the camera with Tate. I pray that he knows that the last thing I want is for him to ever think our family is complete without him. That we yearn for him now just as we did the day he made his way to heaven. But I also pray that he is proud of us for doing things to celebrate our family in the very best way we know how.

Click here for a link to Erica's blog, where she shared some of the pics of us. Enjoy!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Double Dipper

Just a funny story for y'all...

Tate and I went to church this weekend while Brad was playing softball. He always sees me dip my finger in the Holy Water on my way in and out of the building. As we were leaving, I reached for the Holy Water and did the sign of the cross. Before I could stop him, Tate reached up and dipped all his fingers in the little gold bowl and then stuck them in his mouth and sucked the water from them! I quietly told him that the Water was special and we don't drink it. As we kept walking, I reminded him that we do the sign of the cross after we touch the Water. So then he quickly turned around and ran back through the line of people and dipped his fingers in it again and did "his version" of the sign of the cross! He was so proud of himself. And all I could do was smile and shake my head...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

27 Weeks

I have less than three months to go... But at times, it feels like I should be right there at the end, ready for this little one to join us. I can definitely feel the difference with this pregnancy. I still feel pretty good and really can't complain much. I just feel like my body is "dragging" a lot more than it did with either Tate or Nash. At first I was thinking that's because maybe this time it's a girl and my hormones are just different. But then on the other hand, maybe it's because once the baby gets here I will have had three babies in almost exactly 3 1/2 years, so my body may just be trying to keep up!!!

With Tate and Nash, I was pretty certain that they would be boys even though we didn't find out. But with this one, I haven't felt that strong inkling yet. I had a dream the other night that I was having a boy. Was that a sign??? Then at the grocery store last week, the bagger at the check-out stand was an older Asian woman. She asked if I was having a girl or a boy and when I said I didn't know, she said, "Oh, I'll tell you." She then made me take off my sweatshirt and turn around. She quickly ran her hand from the middle of my back to the very top of my waist, and simply said, "Boy." Hmmmm....

So I'm starting to lean towards feeling like this one is a boy too. But who knows? I could be totally off this time! Only three more months until we find out!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

My Very Own Spiderman

For the last month, Tate has been debating what he wanted to be for Halloween... Spiderman or the red Power Ranger. It's such a hard choice for a three year old boy!!! After much thought and discussion, Spiderman was the winner!

My mom took Tate to my dad's office to show off his costume on Friday. When the receptionist asked him his name he said, "Spiderman." She then said, "No I mean your real name." So he replied, "Peter Parker." I guess he was really trying to stay in character???

Then yesterday I let him wear his costume to the grocery story (ONLY because it was Halloween). Everyone was playing along, saying, "Oh, wow! It's Spiderman!" Tate was loving it! He sat in the cart and pretended to shoot other shoppers with his net as we rode past.

Last night we had a really good time. Our street gets a city permit every year and blocks off the entrances. Then we all met in the middle of the block to hang out and eat pizza. I cannot believe how many kids are on our street. EVERYONE was out - from little babies up to the high schoolers. It was really fun to be a part of such a great tradition.

After visiting with the neighbors, we set off for trick or treating. I have to brag on my little Tater for second here... I can't tell you how many times someone handing out candy commented on his politeness, as he cheerfully told them "Thank you!" for whatever it was they gave him. At one point, I got a little nervous when a man gave him a bag of pretzels. I was waiting for him to yell, "But I don't like pretzels!" After all, that's what he tells me when I try to give them to him. But he just told the man thank you and walked back down the steps. Such a sweet boy!

When we got back to the house, the three of us sat outside, handing out candy to the trick or treaters who came by. Brad and I started talking about how much fun it was to celebrate this day with Tate and yet how bittersweet it was to not have Nash with us. I can just picture those two boys trudging up to the doors, Nash trying his best to keep up with his big brother. I wonder what Nash would have wanted to dress up as... Maybe we'd have two little Spidermans on our hands. What I wouldn't give to know...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Horses and Zebras

As many of you know, I attend a monthly support group called The Compassionate Friends for parents who have lost children. While I HATE that I have a reason to go, I always find myself looking forward to the meetings. I have found many friends and lots of comfort in the walls of that room. We cry and laugh and just talk about what we're feeling that particular day. I always leave with a renewed feeling of hope. And more often than not, I am truly affected by something that someone said - whether it be advice, or a story, or just their unending strength...

This past Tuesday was our October meeting. There was a woman there who shared with us a story that she had recently heard about people like us - people forced to live their lives without their child...

Basically, all people in the world can be considered "horses." We run in packs, each having our own small differences, but remain so similar to all those around us. Then when one of our children dies, all of a sudden we change. We are no longer "horses"; now we are "zebras." We kind of look the same and even try to act like a regular old horse, but we are forever changed. Other "horses" may try to treat us like fellow horses or try to still picture us like them, but to no avail. No matter how much time has gone by, a zebra can never go back to being a horse.

June 28, 2008 - The last picture of me as my "old" self.

For some reason that little comparison really resonated with me. I can try as I might to be the "old" me, but the circumstances of my life won't allow me to do that. I have to follow this new path and see what it has in store for me. I must learn to accept who I am now.

I am a zebra.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

A Better Birthday

Last year today was a really tough day for me - I spent most of it fighting back tears, wishing for the one birthday wish I knew wouldn't come true.

No matter how much time passes, I think this day will always be difficult. It's just hard to realize how much time has gone by since I last had Nash in my arms. And birthdays are a huge reminder of this.

With the feelings of last year not far from my mind, I was worried about how today would go. But now that it's here, I think I'm doing better than I had anticipated. The entire weekend has been full of time spent with Brad and Tate, which always seems to help.

Yesterday, we went to the pumpkin patch where we fed the animals, ate hotdogs, played on the hay bales, and looked at pumpkins. Last night we went out for a nice family dinner at Hooters - okay, I admit it, I love their wings... And this morning, we did the real celebrating at Chuck E. Cheese's!

I've truly had a great weekend with my little family. Even though I miss Nash like crazy, I know he has been with us. I have to believe that's how I've been able to get through it with less tears than last year.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes and prayers for a peaceful day (I know those helped too!!!).

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Pumpkin Patch

LOVE this pic!

Chuck E. Cheese's

"This pizza is GOOD!"

Nothing like a mini Tootsie Pop and a bendy straw to brighten your day!

Brothers

Last night, while saying our prayers at bedtime, I asked Tate what he was thankful for. Without hesitation, he replied, "Jesus." We talked for a little bit about how happy we are that Nash is with Jesus now and that he is being taken care of so perfectly in heaven.

I thought the conversation would end there, until Tate said, "I miss Nash." Tears immediately sprung to my eyes as I told him I missed him too. I tried to reassure Tate that even though Nash isn't with us anymore, he will always be his brother. That's when Tate asked, "But what is a brother?" My heart dropped as I realized that he didn't really understand what it meant to have a brother because he was so little when Nash was here. So I tried to explain that families have all different members in them, like mommies and daddies. And I said that sometimes, when they're really lucky, there are two little boys in the family - these would be brothers. Tate thought for a second and then said, "But now we only have one boy." That's when my heart broke yet again.

None of this is fair. None of us understand why or how this happened. So how on earth am I supposed to explain it to my three year old little boy - who should be so innocent, and yet knows way too much about the realities of life?

I often imagine what it would be like, watching Tate and Nash together... Tate needs his brother so badly. He needs him to play swords with, and pitch baseballs to. He needs him to crawl into bed with, and snuggle with their blankies. He needs him to share his cookies with and giggle as they watch the Disney Channel. I would give anything to give those experiences back to both of them. I often feel sorry for myself because of all the things Brad and I will miss out on when it comes to Nash. But, my sweet Tate is missing out too.

I pray that Tate will keep Nash's memory close in his heart. I pray that he will never doubt how much his little brother loved him and looked up to him. I pray that he will have some memory of the short time they spent together.

My two sweet boys. Tate and Nash. Brothers.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Weekend in Chicago

Tate and I just got back from our trip to Chicago. We flew out on Thursday evening with my mom to visit my brother. We had a great time and were VERY busy!!! Instead of writing all the fun we did, I figured I could share our experience through pictures. Enjoy!

Friday - Children's Museum at Navy Pier

Climbing in the pirate ship.

Practicing bowling skills.

Writing the letter "T".

Playing in the "Water Room."

Building a skyscraper.

Checking out the traffic lights and policeman.

Friday - ESPN Zone for dinner

Our Big League Pitcher - 22 mph!!!

Practicing his fancy footwork.

Saturday - Lincoln Park Zoo

Watching the polar bear together.

Grandma, Grandpa, and the rhinos - what could be better than that?

Tate telling me, "We're at the zooooooo!!!"

The cheesiest of cheeses!

Saturday - Lunch at Portillo's - YUM!!!

Nothing like a real Chicago Dog!

Saturday - Dinner at Rainforest Cafe

Tate's new sssssssnake!

So despite the FREEZING temperatures, we had a great time. But it's always good to get home again. Now, I'm off to get my little guy in the tub - gotta wash off those nasty airplane germs!!!

Love to y'all,

Tracy