Sievers Stories...

FINALLY!!!

2012-01-19T14:36:00.005-06:00

Since Brady was born, I've been trying to get a good picture of the three kids together. Every time I try, someone's crying, or running away, or not looking at the camera. And after three long months, we FINALLY have one! Phew!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Happy Happy Birthday

2012-01-15T13:17:00.000-06:00

Today would have been Nash's fourth birthday. I cannot get over the fact that my little baby would be a preschooler. I try to imagine what he would look like, who he would be... It's so hard though.

I miss his little face. I look at this picture and notice things that I wish I could touch and smell... like that little spot on his neck right below his earlobe. I just want to kiss him again. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how happy I am to be his mommy. I want to see his face as he blows out his candles and eats his cake. I want to watch him with his friends at his party - see him run around and play. I just want him back.

Each year on his birthday, I share a slideshow my friend made back on his first birthday. Click here to see it. Please feel free to watch it... maybe it's your first time or maybe it's your fourth. Either way, please remember my little boy today.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Daddy's Dinner

2012-01-08T17:55:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post...

Brad made dinner tonight: steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans... in other words, a "man's meal." The boys all loved it and Tate (once again) had the quote of the day.

"This is frickin' good!"

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Overheard Conversation

2012-01-05T08:41:00.000-06:00

I was just in my room putting makeup on and overheard Tate talking to Brady as she sat in her little bouncer. Here's what I heard:

Tate talking in a little, gentle baby voice... you know, like everyone does when they talk to a baby...

"I have nipples. But you have boobies. Boys have nipples. See? And girls have boobies. Let's see... Yep! Your boobies are growing!!!"

Don't ask where this came from because I have no clue. Can you imagine how embarrassed poor Brady will be if Tate repeats this conversation in thirteen years???

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Thank You, Ben Breedlove

2011-12-30T16:47:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure if y'all have heard the name Ben Breedlove lately. He's been all over the news here in Dallas. In short, Ben was an 18 year old kid from Texas who died on Christmas Day after dealing his entire life with a very serious heart condition. He posted a Youtube video a week before he died that has gone completely viral. If you haven't seen it yet, please CLICK THIS LINK and see it for yourself before you read any further.

I watched the video for the first time yesterday, and of course, it brought tears to my eyes. Not only because this vibrant and handsome young man is now gone from this earth. Not only because I know the grief his mother is facing. And not only because I saw my own son in him. But I cried tears of joy. Because Ben Breedlove may have answered my most lingering question from the day that Nash died.

I've never been able to understand why Nash left this earth before I was able to say good-bye. I thought that he must have been wondering where I was and why all those bad things were happening to him, while he was lying in that hospital emergency room. I've always wished he would've "waited" for me before he left. I picture him wanting me and I'm not there for him...

But maybe I've been wrong all this time. In his video, Ben was very clear. When he was "cheating death" for the third time, he said he was in a place that he "didn't want to leave." So, maybe Nash wanted to go. Maybe he saw the same light and felt the same peace that Ben did. Maybe he didn't want to wait for me to get there. Maybe all this time, I thought Nash needed me in his last moments, but maybe all he needed was peace. Maybe on July 1st, 2008, I wasn't next to my son when he took his last breaths, but maybe I didn't need to be. Because God was. And after five and a half months of hurting, he finally had the peace he was yearning for. Just like Ben...

I can't stop thinking about both Ben and Nash today. I wish I could thank Ben for his words. I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt since Nash died. Thank you, thank you, thank you Ben Breedlove.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Not Out of the Woods Yet

2011-12-29T11:16:00.000-06:00

The last time I wrote, I thought we were FINALLY turning a corner with the kids being sick. Thursday of last week Knox finished his antibiotic and Brady was doing well on hers. Then... Friday rolled around and Knox started acting really fussy. As the weekend went by, the fussiness increased tenfold and the sleep decreased to nearly non-existent. Not a Merry Christmas in this house! By Monday, I was about to lose it, so we went to the pediatrician AGAIN and found out Knox now had strep! Seriously?! So now he's on a different antibiotic. Ugh.

Monday and Tuesday were even more brutal than the weekend. One night we put him down at 7:45pm and he finally fell asleep at 3:15am (seriously, I'm not exaggerating) and slept till 5:45am and that was it. Another night I finally sat on the couch with him and we watched Sesame Street at 3:30am. It was absolutely terrible!!! I started to notice that he was acting like his mouth was sore. He wanted to eat, but it's like his tongue and gums were hurting him. So to make a long story short, we headed BACK to the doctor yesterday and then to the dentist this morning to find out that he has some kind of virus in his mouth that happens relatively often in little ones when they are getting new teeth. He's gotten his four canines in the last few months and I guess this is the culprit for the virus. The good news is that we know what it is that's putting him in so much pain. The bad news is, like all viruses, we have to let it run its course. YAY.

He does seem to be acting a little more like himself last night and today. Brad slept in his bed last night and said he only cried out five or six times between 12am and 7am, which is MUCH better than the 10-12 times per hour he was doing the previous nights (again, no exaggeration!). So I'm PRAYING that he's gonna get over this soon. I miss my sweet little boy!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

What is This? Walgreens?!

2011-12-21T16:54:00.000-06:00

The last few weeks have been crazy around here with my sweet babies getting sick. We found out Brady had thrush right after Thanksgiving. So, we had to get her on some oral meds to try to clear it up. That same week, Brad was battling a bout of bronchitis - which, by the way, he is still coughing from. Brady's thrush began to spread into her diaper, so we had to refill her meds and add an entire diaper changing regimen with a prescription for a special powder to help clear her up. Last week, Knox came down with a double ear infection, which produced many sleepless nights for him (and me!). And last night, Brady ended up at the after-hours doctor because she began crying... no, more like screaming, in pain around 5:00 pm and we couldn't get her to stop. After a thorough check, we found out she too, had an ear infection. At her follow-up this morning with her regular pediatrician, she said it was not just one ear, but both ears. Oh, and her thrush isn't cleared up yet, so now she's on a more powerful medicine. UGH. Poor babies.

My house looks like a pharmacy and I'm literally writing things down so that I don't get confused as to who to do what to when. Got that?! But, I will say, that I'd much rather deal with these types of sicknesses than the puking kind... (like my poor sis-in-law last week!). Hopefully Tate stays clear of all of this and the little ones will be back on the mend sooner than later.

Fridge Meds

Changing Table Meds

Kitchen Counter Meds

Sickie #1

Sickie #2

Love to y'all,
Tracy

My Little Dirtball

2011-12-18T12:40:00.000-06:00

On Friday evening, we were getting ready to head out to a fancy dinner at Steak 'n' Shake with my parents, and the boys were getting restless from being inside so much recently. So Tate asked it they could go outside for a little bit before we left. Brady was napping and I was wrapping some presents while waiting for her to wake up. So I decided to leave the backdoor open and stay inside, just making sure to check on the boys from time to time.

At one point, I heard Tate come in and I figured he'd be heading right back out, but he came upstairs instead. So I quickly finished wrapping the gift I had started and went out in search of Knox. I found him on the side of our house with some monster trucks, having a fantastic time running them through the mud!

He looks pretty pleased with himself, doesn't he? Needless to say, we had to change his clothes completely, put his trucks in the tub to rinse off, and scrub his hands and face. Oh, and by the way, he ended up wearing flip flops to dinner because his shoes had two inches of mud (and probably dog poop) on the bottoms of them and the other ones we tried to put on him were hurting his toes. Mother of the Year, I know...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Ridiculous.

2011-12-06T19:36:00.001-06:00

Okay, I completely love my kids. But today was one of those days that they made me want to have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the mall. What could possibly cause all the stress and drama in my sweet, little ones you ask??? Three words:

Visit to Santa

My mom and I decided to take the three kiddos to Willow Bend Mall first thing this morning to avoid crazy lines on the weekends, since we had a feeling we may have our hands full. I should've known we were in for a bumpy ride when I couldn't even get out of the house without a major breakdown from Tate. I actually had the two little ones ready to go and he was moping around and dragging his feet because he couldn't find his juice cup to bring in the car with us (by the way, this is the story of his life... "Where's my juice cup!?").

Anyway, we finally make it to the mall and there were like three families in front of us in line for Santa. Not too bad, I thought. However, I was mistaken. There was this whole "Polar" display with ice and snow and all these things to look at on your way to see Santa. The people that worked there herded us from one section to the next, which seemed like it took forever. Knox was RUNNING around the area like a crazy person, getting in the way of other people's photo opps and trying to crawl under the blue velvet ropes they had us behind. It was at this point that Miss Brady decided to join the party by screaming in her stroller. I took her out and held a binkie in her mouth (she's not too keen on binkies) to try to get her to calm down.

We finally ended up in the "on deck" circle to see the Man in Red. Thank goodness! But again, I was mistaken. We were trapped in this dome full of pretty pictures of ice and snow. A movie was playing about penguins and polar bears. And in the very center, hanging from the ceiling was falling snow. Not the real stuff, but the white flaky stuff that sticks to your clothes and in your hair. The kids in front of us stood nicely, gently touching the "snow" as it fell. My boys? NO WAY!!! They decided to run, dive, and wrestle in it the entire time we were stuck in that room. They were literally COVERED in it by the time the velvet ropes were lifted. And might I add, the workers were having trouble with their printer, so we got "extra time" in the snow! Yay.

Finally. The moment we'd been waiting for... Tate crawled right up and sat next to Santa. I handed Brady off and set her on Santa's right knee. Then I grabbed a very unsure Knox and set him on his left knee. Knox took one look at Santa and screamed his very high-pitched scream, while pointing at me (to help him). I jumped out of the way so we could get a quick pic and of course the photographers were discussing the broken printers and were not quite ready. Santa held on tight and after a couple quick clicks of the camera, we were done!!! Thank goodness!

If that's not a prize-winning photograph, I don't know what is!!!

I thought the craziness was about over, but here's a quick run-down of the next hour:

Knox pushing and pulling on babies in the Play Area so he could get on the different structures easier. Brady crying and me trying the get her a bottle ready with one hand (we've all done that before - UGH). Buying pizza for lunch and Knox refusing to sit at our table. Knox lying face down in the middle of the Food Court, screaming... not sure why. Knox throwing a fork across the table. Gathering up our uneaten lunches and leaving the mall. Brady then deciding to scream all the way to the car. Tate yelling about not being able to get his jacket zipped before we walked out the doors. Me on the verge of a breakdown.

And that pretty much sums it up. Wow. What a morning! Merry Christmas to me!!!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

OUCH!

2011-11-29T11:25:00.000-06:00

If you ever want to know what happens when a daddy chases a one year old around a gameroom, I know the answer... a little head hits the corner of the wall. Boys will be boys, I guess.

Poor Guy!

So much for the ice.

Still awfully cute though!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

A Weekend of Thanks

2011-11-27T15:26:00.000-06:00

Late Wednesday night, Brad's parents, sister, brother-in-law, two nephews, niece, brother, and sister-in-law came into Dallas from Iowa, Kansas City, and South Dakota. Needless to say, we had a full house! Of course, we were all celebrating Thanksgiving together. But, in addition, we had Brady's baptism yesterday and so we got to celebrate that also.

Despite, the chaos, we truly had a great weekend. And in fact, I think as our kids get older, we may even miss the craziness of these early years. I adore my in-laws, so having them around for four nights was wonderful and I was very sad to see them leave this morning.

I'll leave you with just some of the many highlights of our weekend together...

Seeing how much my niece, Jensen, has grown since July, Knox constantly pointing at Jensen and Brady and telling us, "baby!",delicious turkey dinner (that I didn't have to cook!), Brady sleeping from 8:30pm-4:30am TWO of the four nights, pecan pie, talks with my sister-in-laws and mom-in-law, shopping on Black Friday, booking a Spring Break trip to Cozumel with Jill and Eric, Brady spraying poop on me (and the couch!) during a diaper change, Brady in her baptismal gown, Knox trying to tackle Jensen every chance he got, Tate, Knox and their cousins, Cade and Colton, running through the house naked after a shower, watching the kids open Christmas presents from Grandma and Grandpa Sievers... and all of this with minimal tears and maximum love.

The Crew

Watching Movies

Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Relaxation

Grandma Sievers and Brady

Bath Time!!!

Cowboy Buddies

Grandkids

The Five of Us

Baptism

Miss Brady

Opening Presents

The Girls!!!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Dallas Arboretum

2011-11-11T12:56:00.000-06:00

My mom and I took the kids to the Dallas Arboretum yesterday. It was nice to get everyone out of the house on a nice fall day. I feel like we've been cooped up for so long now. I try to get out a little bit each week, but it's definitely a lot harder than it used to be with just the boys.

All in all, the kids did great. Tate and Knox loved just running around and playing. Although I will say that Knox has a mind of his own and tends to do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases. So much of the day was spent chasing him and carrying him to where the rest of us were. At least we were outside, so his screaming and flailing around wasn't all that bothersome to anyone. Brady was quite content in her stroller and slept pretty much the entire time. Thank you, sweet girl! (And I swear she was there, I guess I just forgot to take any pictures of her... what kind of mom am I!?)

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Newborn Pics

2011-11-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

Six days after Brady was born, we had a photographer come to the house to take some pictures of her. Here are few of my favorites...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Rewind

2011-10-27T09:04:00.003-05:00

So obviously the last ten days or so have been crazy around here. Overall, Brady is doing great and as of Tuesday, she had already gained back all the weight she lost in the hospital. She loves to eat and sleep most of the day, but on occasion, she peeks at us with those pretty blue eyes of hers. Now if we could just stop referring to her and a "him" that would be nice. Poor girl!

The boys are completely smitten with her... this includes her Daddy. Tate thinks he's so "big" when he gets to hold her and surprisingly, Knox wants to give her kisses and hugs every time he sees her.

We're all just trying to get our bearings and make it through these first few weeks unscathed. Enjoy some more pictures!

He must love her if he puts his string cheese down for a little cuddle!

Pretty girl!

Our attempt at a picture of the three of them with the pumpkins I made.

Kissing her tootsies.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

SHE

2011-10-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

SHE is here!!!

Brady Ann Sievers... born Sunday, October 16, 2011, 6:40pm

8 pounds 5.5 ounces - 21 inches

SHE is beautiful.

SHE is loved.

SHE is perfect.

SHE is ours.

Blessings,

Tracy

My Little LeftIES

2011-10-03T19:11:00.000-05:00

We've known for years now that Tate bats left-handed. Well, my friends, now his little brother is following right in his footsteps. Yes, Knox is lefty as well. Here's the video to prove it!

When no one's out to pitch to you, why not just pitch to yourself?! Check out Tate's newest skill!

And just because it's cracking me up... Look at what Knox did to his older brother this morning...

The Victim's Black Eye

The Culprit

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Latest Baby News

2011-09-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

Now that we've gone from the baby's due date being months away to weeks away, I figured I should really update y'all so that you know what's going on...

Quick run-down:

- 37 1/2 weeks as of today

- Sono 1 1/2 weeks ago showed baby being about 6 pounds 9 ounces at that point

- Belly is measuring "normal"

- If I had to guess based on how I feel, I'd think I was dilated to about a 30... however, I was a 1/2 cm as of Wednesday (sorry if that's TMI)

- My hands are now swollen enough that I can't wear any of my rings anymore... this happened when I was in my last month with Tate but neither Nash or Knox

- Scheduled an induction for one day before my due date... so if little one isn't here by October 17th, that'll be the day!!!

- Not really sleeping too well (which is to be expected)

- Much more uncomfortable than I've ever been in the past

- Tate says not only does he want the baby to be a girl, but he wants it to have brown hair... uh, not sure that we can actually put in an "order" at this point

- I go back and forth on whether I think it's a boy or a girl

- Funny fact: In general, most people who know me are convinced this baby is a girl. But any stranger that I encounter that ventures a guess, undoubtedly says it's a boy. (And yes, strangers give their opinions all the time).

- Speaking of strangers, the same "bagger" at our grocery store that said that Knox was going to be a boy told me last week that this one was also going to be a boy.

I think that about sums it up. I'm sooo ready to meet this baby of ours. I'll keep you posted.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Tate's New Friend

2011-09-24T19:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Tate "introduced" me to his new "friend," Sydney. He says that Sydney is a little girl at school who is in one of the other Pre-K classes. Regardless, Tate has been talking about her (or to her) since last night. All I know is that according to him, he really likes her because she wears "cool black boots." And "she shakes her booty at him when he sees her in the hall at school." He claims she's "really cute" when she does that. Ahem...

Most nights after bath, he usually prefers to head to bed in a pair of tighty-whities, but last night he informed me that he needed to wear pajamas because Sydney "always laughs if he only wears underwear to bed." Okay...

During the morning, Tate didn't really mention Sydney at all and I was thinking maybe he'd gotten over her. But this afternoon he told me that he couldn't believe that she was "still sleeping!!!" I told him that it was after 1:00, so she must be a lazy bum... And like a good little boy, he agreed with his mama.

I tell ya... I knew that Tate could be pretty goofy, but this whole "Sydney Situation" has really thrown me off. I wonder if he'll need pajamas again tonight...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Back to the Diamond

2011-09-18T13:25:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday, Tate had his first game with his new, fall team, the Durham Bulls. A lot of the same kids from last season are playing together again, along with a couple of new ones. The biggest change is that because the league didn't have enough 5 year old teams signed up to play t-ball, they bumped the teams they did have up to the 6 year old "modified" coach's pitch league.

In this league, the players get four chances to hit off a pitch from their coach. Then they get to use the tee. That, in itself, isn't terrible. Tate's been hitting off of Brad for years now. But the biggest difference is that they have an umpire, who counts outs. So not everyone gets to bat each inning. And if you get called out, you go back to your dugout.

But I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised that our team is handling the changes pretty well. It's forcing them to understand the game a little better and realize that they need to try their best. Tate is LOVING it - no surprise there. He wakes up and puts his uniform on first thing each Saturday morning. I'm so proud of his devotion and "heart" each and every game. He takes it seriously, but also has so much fun with his friends. He's the first to cheer them on for their good plays - which is really sweet to witness.

Yesterday, Tate had a fantastic game. He hit off the pitch all three times he was up to bat and hustled around the bases each time. He played second base, shortstop, and catcher (I think he just really wanted to try on the gear) and was able to get two kids from the other team out in the first and second innings. He truly is quite the little ball player.

Second at bat - hard hit grounder up the first baseline

Shortstop

The view from a catcher

Ready and waiting

All smiles after a great game!

Watching his big brother

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Thinking Back

2011-09-14T20:43:00.000-05:00

In the support group that I attend for bereaved parents, last year I met a woman named Joanne. Tomorrow she will be working through the first anniversary of her son, Ryan's death. He was a month away from turning four years old, when his little body had had enough of the cancer that had pained him since before he was two.

Knowing what tomorrow will bring for her makes me cringe. Thinking back to when we had to get through Nash's first anniversary is still really hard for me. That day just brings so many horrible memories to the forefront of one's mind. For me, I relive the entire day. It's like I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing at every second of that long July day. And the pain is so intense and raw again. Everything comes back full force whether you want it to or not.

I hate that Joanne and her family will be doing that tomorrow. In fact, if she's like me, it may have already started tonight. Thinking back to that last time your life was really "whole."

Without going into too much detail for the sake of Joanne's privacy, she was with Ryan as he left this Earth for Heaven. And to be totally honest, I am jealous that she was able to do that for her son. One of the things I struggle with the most is that I wasn't with Nash when he died. I was on my way to him, going as fast as I could, praying and praying that God would keep him here until I got there. Somewhere along the way, I knew that Nash wasn't going to make it. But I remember asking God over and over again to just let me be with him one last time. Let me tell him good-bye.

Three years later, I have accepted that I wasn't there. But I still don't understand why. I don't understand why I didn't get to hold him and comfort him like a mommy should... at a time that he needed me the most. I know that having the memory of watching your baby die must be heart-wrenching to say the least. But imagining Nash with a team of doctors around him, not understanding why he felt the way he did, not understanding why they were hurting him, and not understanding why his mommy wasn't there for him truly makes my heart ache. I will always regret that I didn't make it in time. To kiss those sweet lips, to hold his tiny hand, to take away his fear, and to tell him that he is so loved, but that it's okay if he needed to go. As hard as that would have been, I'd do anything to get that moment with him.

I'm not sure why all this is pouring out of me tonight. I think Joanne has been on my mind all day. And knowing that she was with Ryan when he died makes me think of my own experience. I pray that she is finding some peace in knowing that her little boy had no doubt in his mind how much his mommy loved him. I pray that she and her family get through tomorrow with more laughs than tears.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

The last picture that Nash and I took together

June 25, 2008

Bunk Beds for Everyone!

2011-09-05T18:15:00.002-05:00

A couple weeks ago, my mom texted me at school and said that Knox had crawled out of his crib at her house during naptime. He was only 18 months old and his crib was already at the lowest setting. So that night, Brad rigged our crib to go even lower than it's supposed to so as to prevent our little man from escaping during the night. He seemed content and safe (when he stood up, the side of the crib went all the way past his chest - almost to his chin). Phew!.... or so we thought.

On Friday morning, I got another text from my mom saying that when she went to get Knox out of his crib at our house, he was standing at the door to his bedroom. Are you serious?! He's now 19 months old and waaaaay too young to try to get him to sleep in a "big boy's bed." I was worried about it all day.

Brad and I bought a new bedroom set a couple weeks ago that Tate has now moved into. So, Tate's old furniture was already all set up for Knox. But again, he's waaaay to little! We definitely had a dilemma on our hands: to leave him in his crib was asking for a broken arm or stitches or who knows what. But then again, I'm already exhausted. Do I really want to spend these last seven weeks before the baby gets here battling my one year old every night about staying in a big boy bed? In addition, if we do somehow figure out a way to keep him in his crib, we're going to need it for the baby shortly after it arrives anyway. And if that happens, do I really want to be trying to get Knox to sleep in his big bed while also caring for a newborn? UGH. What's a mom to do?

Three words, my friends... SUCK IT UP.

Friday night, I took Knox into his "new" room and tried to explain that now he's a big boy and he's going to sleep in his big boy bed from now on. He whimpered a little and kept pointing across the gameroom to his old room. When I first put him in the bed, he cried and stood right up. I went back in a minute later and laid him back down, gave him a kiss, and walked out again. This time, he cried for a couple seconds and was quiet. I checked on him 30 minutes later, and to my surprise, he was out like a light. WHOOOHOOOO!!!!

I was so nervous all night, waiting for him to either show up in my room or hear a big crash upstairs. At 4:30, he yelled out and I went in and found his binkie for him. He laid right back down and slept till 7:15. Then on Saturday, he took a two hour nap in his bed no problem. Saturday night he woke up twice, looking for his binkie and then went back to sleep till about 8. Naptime yesterday was another total success. And last night I put him to bed at 8:15 and I didn't hear a peep until a little before 8 this morning. What a little champ!

Big bed... little boy.

Naptime

Tate's New Furniture

Now I will say that I'm cautiously optimistic about all this. I realize that maybe this is the honeymoon period. Maybe he'll soon decide that he's going to make this much harder on his mama. But for right now, I'm totally blown away by how easy this transition has been. Let's just pray it stays this way!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Miracle of the Heart

2011-08-29T06:49:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this post with a very specific purpose. My dear friend, Abby (http://benandabby.blogspot.com), has some friends who are in desperate need of prayers. The Harrisons (http://keeganh.blogspot.com) have two young children, Keegan and Audrey. Keegan is almost four years old and is, I believe, the youngest Texas to have ever received a heart transplant - at the mere age of five DAYS old. Since he was born, Keegan and his family have dealt with the constant ups and downs of health-related issues. I honestly cannot even begin to try to explain ANY of these issues in my own words. All I can say is that they deal with things that the rest of us would consider our worst nightmare every single day.

At this point, little Keegan has been through the ringer here in North Texas. He is in and out of the Emergency Room every week (often times many times per week) and the doctors here seem at a loss as to what to do for him. His family has made the brave decision to travel to Boston (where they went a couple years ago) to try to get more answers and more importantly, more help for their son. Their plan was to leave on Friday, but it got postponed due to the hurricane. The new plan sounds like it will be tomorrow or Wednesday.

Like I said earlier, I know this family through my friend Abby. We are acquaintances - I see the Harrisons at birthday parties, etc. Maddie (the mom) knows my story through Abby and I, of course, know hers. But every time I read her blog, I feel so connected to all that she is saying. She is literally fighting for her son's life. A sweet, innocent little boy who has never gotten the chance to live like other kids his age. I see his sweet face and think immediately of our own little boy... of Nash. We found out about his heart condition too late. But doctors have repeatedly told us that his only hope would have been a heart transplant. To watch the Harrisons go down this road feels like looking into a mirror of what our lives may have been like. It tears at me every time I read Maddie's blog.

I'm asking anyone who reads this to go to the Harrison's blog and read about this precious family. Then, imagine Keegan's face as you send your prayers to God. Please ask Him to be with the family on their trip out east. Pray for answers. Pray for committed and empathetic doctors who will fight to figure out what will help Keegan. Pray for Audrey, who is barely one years old, and will be staying in Texas as the rest of her family is in Boston. Pray for the strength of Maddie and Gray, as they continue to go to battle for their little boy. Pray for moments of peace and joy through all of this.

I hope that me writing this without any type of permission on the Harrison's part is appropriate. I just felt that I had to do something. Please go check out their blog (address is above) and meet this incredible and faithful family.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

31 1/2 Weeks

2011-08-21T11:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, seriously? How much bigger can I get??? I feel HUGE!!! UGH! People keep asking me how I'm doing and the only responses I can come up with are: tired, in pain, exhausted, big, and HOT! I'm so incredibly tired of the over 100 degree days that we have been dealing with since June. No joke. For those of you NOT in the great state of Texas, we have had all but two or maybe it's three days since JUNE when the temp has reached over 100 degrees. It has been absolutely miserable. We can't even go outside. I'm dying every time I leave the house. Swimming doesn't even help because the pools feel like bath water. I am NOT exaggerating! At this point, this is the second hottest summer EVER here in Dallas. What a great one to be 7 months pregnant... And the worst part is that there's really no end in sight... Even when it finally decides to dip under 100, we're gonna live in the 90s for a good month - probably right till October. Ridiculous!!!

I think it's safe to say that I'll be thrilled when this this bundle finally gets here. It seems like I've been pregnant forever and I'm just ready to move past this and start to enjoy our little one. I'm going to the doctor now every two weeks and really just counting down the days.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Oops.

2011-08-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

Just a little "Tate Story" from this weekend...

Every Friday evening, we join my parents for a casual dinner out to eat somewhere. This past week, we headed to Chili's and were patiently waiting for our food when Tate announced he had to go to the bathroom. I figured I might as well go too, since I would probably end up having to go anyway, so we headed to the restrooms. Once inside, I went in one stall, as Tate walked towards another one. All of a sudden, I heard a women's voice saying, "No! No! I'm in here! I'm IN here!!!" I figured that Tate had pushed open a door that wasn't able to latch and that a lady was trying to block the door from opening.

I called Tate over to my stall and let him in with me. I asked him what happened, expecting it to match what I thought had happened. Instead, he told me that he crawled UNDERNEATH the door and that's when the lady yelled out to stop. WHAT?! Oh my gosh!!! Obviously I was waaaaay too embarrassed to leave our stall until I was sure the lady was long gone. When we finally made our way back to our table, I asked Tate if he saw the lady from the bathroom anywhere. He quickly replied, "Nope... I didn't ever see her face." Nice.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Gulf Shores

2011-08-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

We got back this afternoon from our annual trip to the beach. This year, we went to Gulf Shores, Alabama... for my fellow northerners, there's a beautiful stretch of beach in southern Alabama where TONS of Texans head for their vacations every year. We were supposed to go last year, but ended up cancelling because of the oil spill that happened in the Gulf of Mexico. So this was our first year of going to this particular beach and I'm happy to say that we are already planning our trip for next year.

My mom and I drove with Tate and Knox for 11 1/2 hours through east Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and then Alabama last weekend and ended up at our condo at the Beach Club in Gulf Shores on Sunday evening. My dad flew in (lucky!) to meet us there for a couple days so he could enjoy some beach time with his grandsons. Brad wasn't able to get the time off because he's planning on taking a good chunk when the new baby gets here in October. Bummer, I know. But we had such a good - and exhausting! - time making new memories with the boys.

Here are some of my favorite pics from our trip...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Swimming = Success

2011-07-28T12:51:00.000-05:00

I think I can say that Tate is officially a swimmer! No floaties here!!! He took a swimming class back in May and then we did a follow up class last week and this week. Somewhere along the line in the past few weeks, it "clicked" for him and he is swimming like a little fish all by himself. His swim teacher was fantastic and really taught the kids exactly what to do... they learned the front crawl, back stroke and breast stroke. I'm so impressed by how far he's come in such a short time. Way to go, Tater!

Warming Up

Back stroke

FUN!

First time doing a "kick flip"

Front crawl

Waiting his turn

Diving for rings

Happy Swimmer!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Five Year Old

2011-07-19T20:13:00.000-05:00

It's official... I have a five year old!!! Where does the time go? I swear that once you're a mom, you really understand what people mean when they say this.

We had a very busy day celebrating with Tate. We opened presents first thing this morning and ate cinnamon rolls for breakfast - Tate's had special red birthday sprinkles on them of course! Then grandma came with us as we headed off to swimming lessons. After that, we met Tate's buddy Kade (and mom) at the movies to see Winnie the Pooh. Tate didn't know Kade was coming and was soooo excited that he showed up!

Tate went to Kade's to play after the movie and I picked him up just in time to come home to open more gifts from his grandma and grandpa. Then we all headed to meet Brad at a place called Magic Time Machine for dinner. All the waiters are dressed as various characters and the restaurant itself is totally decked out with crazy and interesting stuff to look at ... like an actual school bus with a booth inside, or a pirate ship, or a huge crayon box... I think all in all, Tate had a great day and is exhausted now that it's finally coming to an end... or at least, I am!

Each and every birthday my kids celebrate mean so very much to me and I want them to have the best days possible. I'm so incredibly thankful to watch them grow up and pray each day that I'll be able to do so for many, many years to come.

Mmmmmm.... breakfast (with his new pirate costume)!

Kade and Tate at the movies

Magic Time Machine Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday to You!

Knox LOVES birthday cake!

Coolest gift from Mommy and Daddy? A lifesize "fathead" on bedroom wall.

My Sweet Tater...

Five years ago today I became a mom. One look at you and I realized what it meant to experience love at first sight. And each and everyday since July 19, 2006, you have taught me what it means to be a mommy. I know what it's like to feel like my heart is on the outside of my chest. I know what it feels like to love someone so much it literally hurts. I know what true worry means and true happiness is. I know all of these things because of you.

Five years ago, I never imagined that I would have learned so much from a little boy in such a short amount of time. I never imagined that my love for you could literally grow everyday even when it feels like my heart couldn't possibly love anything anymore than I do at this moment. I never imagined that I could be this thankful for a baseball hat wearing, dirty fingernail having, messy faced little boy. I thought I understood back then what it meant to be a mom. But Tater, you teach me the true meaning of this everyday.

Thank you for being my sweet boy. I love you more than you will ever realize. God bless you today and always.

Mommy

Party Time!

2011-07-14T09:36:00.001-05:00

Tuesday evening we celebrated Tate's fifth birthday with his friends at BounceU. Needless to say he had a fantastic time running and jumping around in the bounce houses with 25 of his closest buddies. What a madhouse!

Here are some pics of the fun!

Knox was a crazy man - with NO fear at all!!!

Pure happiness!

Pizza Time!

Mmmmmmmm..............

Now... where to put all this???

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Excuses

2011-07-07T16:23:00.001-05:00

I meant to write a post right on July 1st to let y'all know how much I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers for our family during the worst couple days of the year. Truly, truly, my intention was there. As the day wore on, I figured I'd get around to it the next day... But that night, poor Knox woke up with a 103 degree temp, which we then dealt with over the next three days. We found out that he had an ear infection and got him on antibiotics the night before we left on our fourteen hour car ride back to Dallas. UGH.

Once we got home, I thought I'd write a post on July 5th - which marks the three year anniversary of Nash's funeral in Iowa. I thought about it all day... what I should say, how I should say it... and then I just gave up. So now a few days later, I guess I'm just writing to give a long list of my excuses as to why I haven't written since last week. And really, the deep down reason for it, is just that I don't think I had the energy to do it. Knowing that I'm going to sit down and pour my heart out takes a lot out of me. And I think last week I was barely getting by as it was, so I just couldn't get myself come up with the words. That's it. My big excuse. I was exhausted.

So I'll just end this post by again saying how thankful we are to all of you who continue to walk with us down our journey of grief. God bless you always.

Family Gathered at Nash's grave on July 1st

The Sievers Family

Cousins... Cade (in back), Knox, Tate, Jensen, Colton

Knox with his Buddy - Great Gpa Mike

On their way to Nash...

Always the Big Brother

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Three Years Ago Today

2011-06-27T09:49:00.002-05:00

June 27th, 2008... This day brings back so many memories for me. In a few short days, we will be celebrating Nash's life as we commemorate the anniversary of his death. I've written in detail about all that happened back in June of 2009 I think, so if you want to know the whole story, feel free to look at those posts.

Today is the day that marks the last time I saw my little boy alive. We were dropping Tate and Nash off with Brad's parents for a week and then Brad and I were planning on coming up a few days later. So even though Nash died on July 1st, June 27th is a tough day for me.

I cannot believe that it's been THREE years. Three years. Some things that happened that day I remember like it happened yesterday and others are so blurry. I remember what he was wearing... I remember where we were... I remember handing him and Tate off to their grandma. But the rest is pretty unclear. The one thing I know for sure is that when I was telling Nash good-bye that day, I never dreamed it would be for good... I never dreamed that I'd never see those blues eyes look up at me again.

As I write this today, our family is up in Storm Lake, Iowa, getting ready to rally around each other as we remember our little boy this Friday. I'm sitting at the table in my mother-in-law's house, looking out over the lake... towards the cemetary where Nash was laid to rest. It brings me great comfort to be here - to be "close to him." I'm going to head over to the cemetery soon - which is something I both love and hate at the same time. But I need to go... I need to be there for him.

I'll try to write later in the week... In the mean time, please pray for some healing this week for my family. This path is more difficult than I ever imagined and this is the time of year that is the hardest. Thank you in advance for all the prayers being said on our behalf.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

A Great Season

2011-06-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

Tate's T-ball season has finally come to an end. If you ask him, he'll tell you his team went undefeated (even though they don't keep score for another couple years or so). T-ball has been the highlight of Tate's week for months now and he's pretty disappointed that it's coming to an end. As much as I LOVE watching my little slugger, I have to admit, I'm glad that braving the Texas heat to cheer on his team is over just in time for the brutal summer to begin... yesterday and today's high temps have been around 104 degrees. UGH.

I couldn't be prouder of the ballplayer Tate has become. At only four years old, he not only understands the game, but gives it 100% effort each and every time he's out there playing. He's the first one on the field when his team isn't batting and the first one in the dugout when they're up. He watches the game while he's sitting on the bench waiting to bat and cheers on his teammates for their efforts. His love of the game is obvious to ANYONE who watches him. The other parents on the team are constantly commenting on his talent and pure love of baseball. I sure do love my little lefty!

Check out that form!

Line drive up the middle.

Focused and ready

Getting grounders

That smile says it all!!!

Trying to imitate his big brother

Tate's #1 Fan

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Pediatric Heart Specialists

2011-06-13T14:41:00.000-05:00

Today, Brad and I headed to a hospital in north Dallas, where we had baby #4's heart checked by a pediatric cardiologist. This is the same practice that Tate and Knox have been checked by over the past few years. They are a fantastic group of doctors, who make sure to take their time to answer any and all of our questions.

To cut to the chase, everything looked good at this point with our baby's heart. Dr. Tracy Laird did a fetal echocardiogram, which took about 25 minutes. It's basically an in-depth sonogram of just the baby's heart. She took lots of measurements and examined every tiny part she could see. Of course, this is a pretty difficult task at this stage since I am only about 22 weeks along and the baby's heart is still so, so tiny. She suggested that just like with Knox, we come back when this little one is about 8 weeks old to have his/her heart checked again for some more peace of mind.

This was a day I've been waiting for for a long time and I'm very relieved to have it over with. It feels like one more hurdle has now been jumped over... and it was a big one to say the least.

I feel grateful that our little baby is growing and developing just like it should. I pray that it just continues to stay strong and safe in my belly until October when we will all welcome him/her with open arms and teary eyes.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Summer Days

2011-06-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

As of Tuesday, our summer has officially started! School is out and we're ready for some sun and fun for the next few months. This week, we don't have a lot planned - we've just been doing a few errands each morning to get out of the house a little bit before it gets too hot in the afternoons.

Today, our mission was to find some pool toys, so we ventured off to Walmart and then over to a sporting goods store for the stuff we couldn't find at Walmart. We ended up picking up a little more than we had set out to - some pool balls, an inner tube, a pool noodle, a kickboard, a second life jacket for Knox (so we can keep one at our place and one at my mom's), some goggles, a velcro ball with little velcro mitts to play catch in the water with, a couple cans of spray-on sunscreen, some new beach towels, and a new bumblebee floatie for Knox. I think I forgot how much more money we spend in the summers when I'm home. Oops! It's all for a good cause though, right?!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Sorry, Mom!

2011-05-30T16:51:00.000-05:00

We had some friends over for a cookout last night and I put Knox in the tub for a quick bath because he was starting to get a little sleepy from all the excitement. After I dried him off, he went running into the game room while I hung up his towel. There's not much more I can say on this one...

At least he said he was "sorry"...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Silly Boys

2011-05-29T10:44:00.000-05:00

Living in a house full of testosterone certainly keeps me on my toes. You never know what the day will bring. Here's just a glimpse into my world over the past few days...

I'm sure you're thinking, "Oh, Tate must've had a game this weekend." Not quite... This is how he came downstairs. I guess he just wanted to wear his uniform... eye black and all.

A New Favorite (and yes, I know they're jumping on the couch... I pick my battles, okay?)

Here's what goes on before it's bathtime.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

So Far So Good

2011-05-20T19:24:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago, Brad and I went to a perinatologist for a Level II sonogram. It's basically just a very in-depth sonogram, where the doctor can see things better and clearer than a typical sono. Because of Nash's heart problem, my obgyn wants to watch the new baby very closely. (We had this done with Knox also). So we schedule the Level II for 18 weeks and a fetal echocardiogram with a cardiologist at 22 weeks to keep tabs on the baby's heart.

Like any mom, my nerves are heightened as these appointments approach. I was doing pretty good all day, but when we got to the office, I started to get more and more anxious, praying that everything was going to go well. I always tell Brad that I'm glad the doctor doesn't check my pulse or blood pressure because they would be through the roof.

My heart was pounding as the appointment began, but as the time went by and the doctor talked us through everything she was looking at and measuring, I began to relax a little bit. She spent a lot of time on the baby's heart and she summed it up, saying it looked, "Gorgeous." What a wonderful word. Gorgeous. Thank you, God.

Profile of baby - the part that looks like an arm is actually the baby's thigh - it was crunched up in a little ball for much of the time we were looking at it.

And just in case y'all are wondering... yes, this was the appointment where we could find out if the baby is a girl or a boy.................... So................................... Oh, come on! You know we don't want to know! So baby #4 remains a surprise!!!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Batter Up!

2011-05-15T19:54:00.002-05:00

This weekend, we were super busy with, what else?! BASEBALL! On Friday night we went to the Frisco Rough Riders game - they're a minor league team in the area. It's always so nice to go because it's really close to home and it's such a small stadium, that the seats are good no matter where you sit. The game didn't start until 7:00pm, so we were pleasantly surprised to make it through five entire innings before Knox was ready to head on home.

Tate before the game began.

Knox enjoying his vanilla ice cream with sprinkles.

Me and my boys.

Yesterday afternoon, we all headed to Arlington to watch the Rangers take on the Angels. This time, Knox lasted through the bottom of the eighth and then left with my parents. But Tate stayed until the game was over. He loves baseball so much... He knows how to read the scoreboard and calls out "Foul Ball!" or "Two outs!" It was so fun watching him cheer on the team... he was doing all the little cheers and chants that the crowd does throughout the game.

Enjoying the beautiful day!

Tate pitched some balls in the "kids area" out in center field.

Knox watching his Rangers.

Then today, Tate had his second T-ball game of the season. He is always SOOOOO excited to get to the field and I think Brad and I are just as excited to watch him play. They don't keep score and everyone gets to bat each inning, but it is priceless watching him do something he loves so much.

Even though they don't keep track of outs, while playing second base today, he got four different runners out. The crowd was cheering for him by name. He knew exactly what he was supposed to do and did it like a pro. He batted three times - twice lefthanded and once right. What can I say? We've got ourselves a switch hitter! And each time he ran home, he slid into home plate. I seriously think I was beaming the entire game. At the end of the game, his coach told the team how proud he was of all of them and then awarded Tate the game ball for all of his fantastic plays out in the field. Way to go, Tater!

Right before his second at bat.
Sliding into home!

Showing me his game ball!

I think this was his second at bat, when he switched to batting right handed.

I hope that baseball continues to be a part of our lives for a long, long time. I enjoy every moment of spending these times with the boys. I look forward to so many more days spent on the field.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Moms

2011-05-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite poems about being a mom. It rings so true for all the moms out there...Happy Mother's Day.

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry about whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down..

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know the bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every ten minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never know the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

A Proud Mama

2011-05-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

There's not a day that goes by when a mom doesn't feel proud as she looks at her kids. And like other moms, I find myself doing this pretty often. But there are some days that for whatever reason, my heart feels like it's literally swelling with pride.

This week Tate began swimming lessons. As much as he loves to swim, he's not always very good at participating in organized activities... especially if it's without me, or if it's without any kids he knows, or if it's something that he doesn't feel that confident doing... and let's just say that swimming lessons encompassed all three of these. So on Tuesday afternoon, I wasn't sure what to expect as we walked into the pool area.

When they called his name, he went right over (tenatively) and got in line with the rest of the kids. But I could tell that he was feeling more and more anxious with every minute. The instructors were very specific about where parents could stand and watch... and it was way off to the side, where the kids wouldn't be distracted by us. This was a great "rule" on their part, because this way, Tate was sort of "forced" to stay with his teacher and not feel tempted to come over to me.

For the entire thirty minutes, Tate tried his best to fend off the tears. His little shoulders were heaving up and down as he attempted to get himself settled down. But through it all, he stayed in the pool and did everything his teacher asked him to do, including put his face in the water.

We went back today for his second class. He was visibly nervous as the class began. But the teachers welcomed him with open arms and got him right in the pool before he could really resist. His little face was scrunched up like he was on the verge of tears for the first five minutes or so. But after that, he listened attentively to his teacher and again did everything that was asked of him... blowing bubbles, playing follow the leader, and floating on his back. When he got out after class ended, he gave his teacher a big hug and was all smiles. He told me, "That was fun!"

There are certain things that Tate loves and thrives at doing. For instance, he lives, sleeps, and eats baseball. He honestly plays it every single day. I swear he came out of the womb swinging a bat. When he's on the field playing, of course, I am proud. I am beyond thrilled to watch him play something that he truly, truly loves... But I feel a different kind of pride to watch him struggle through something. To watch him have a little "internal battle" as he forces himself to participate in his swimming lessons, really melts my heart. Somewhere along the line he's learned self discipline. He's learned that some things aren't easy, but that they are worth it in the end. He's learned how to give new experiences a chance. For all of these reasons, I found myself so incredibly proud of him today. I love the little boy he is growing up to be.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Life as a Little Boy

2011-05-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, poor Knox had to run errands with me throughout the course of the entire day. It was one of those days where we had to run in and out of a bunch of different places... you know what I mean. Like grab some swim trunks for Tate at Old Navy (because he starts lessons this week), then get some ink cartridges for the printer at Best Buy, then pick up a couple things at Hallmark, and of course, our weekly trip to Target. Tate got to stay home with Daddy, but Knox had to come with us because the big boys were working in the garage and Knox tends to like to run down to the end of the driveway. So we had a Mommy and Knox day!

Knox was a real trooper (like usual), and we were about halfway through Target (our last stop) when he spotted some Goldfish in the cracker aisle. It's amazing how a little boy who can't really talk sure can explain to his mom what he wants! So anyway, I grabbed the crackers and opened them up so he could munch on them while we finished shopping. He was quite happy and had full cheeks for the remainder of our trip.

When it was time to check out, we went to our "usual" check out girl - is that bad that we have a "usual?" - and started our familiar small talk. I found out that she is a junior at a Plano high school and that she actually went to the elementary school I teach at for a couple of years. So we got busy chatting about which teachers were still there and which had left... that's when we heard a very large "WHOOOOOOOSH!!!!!" We looked over and Knox had taken the full bag of Goldfish and dumped the entire thing onto his lap, the cart, and the floor. Oops. He just looked up at me with wide eyes and continued to eat the crackers off of his lap. No big deal I guess.

I apologized over and over again as our check out girl called someone over to help clean it all up and then we quickly made our escape... leaving a nice trail of orange fish behind us.

Later in the afternoon, the boys were playing outside, while I was ordering a pizza for dinner. I went out to check on them and found they had dumped out all the containers of bubbles they could find out there and Knox was happily splashing around in them. He was a big, soapy mess! Tate and his friend who was over thought it was pretty funny... which, I guess, it was until Knox decided to rub his hands in his eyes. He was soon screaming at the top of his lungs as I washed off his hands, arms, and eyes in the kitchen sink.

Poor little guy! First spilled Goldfish, then bubbles in his eyes. Oh, the life of a little boy!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Weekend with Family

2011-04-18T18:44:00.000-05:00

Like I mentioned in the previous post, Brad's mom and sister's family came for the weekend. It's always so great to have time to spend with them and it always goes way too fast. This weekend was no exception and we were all so sad to see them go.

Jill and I have alternated having kids since Tate was born in 2006. So there are six between us, plus the seventh on the way. Tate and Jill's oldest, Cade (4 years), are the best of buddies (most of the time). Colton (2 years) is in the middle. And Knox is about seven months older than her youngest, Jensen (the only girl of the bunch!). So needless to say, we've got our hands full. I'm sure we look like quite the family when we pile out of TWO Yukon XLs to go to dinner...

Bath Time with the Babies - Jensen and Knox

The Big Boys... Tate, Cade, and Colton

Colton's mean face

Silly Boys... Jill forgot to teach Cade how to put on his underwear

Anyway, we all "marched" on Saturday and then that afternoon Grandma Sievers and Grandma Smith watched the five kids as the mommies and daddies went to the Kenny Chesney concert at Cowboys Stadium. For all you country fans out there, I advise you to GO if he's coming to a city near you. He put on a fantastic show and had a great line up ahead of him (Uncle Kracker, Billy Currington -my personal favorite, and Zach Brown Band).

Kenny, here we come!!!

Sister-in-laws Rule!

Sunday morning came way too soon and the Millers and Brad's mom headed back north for their long trip home. And as of today, we learned that Jensen and Colton both have strep... I wonder how long before we all get it... Ah, the joys of family.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

We Came, We Saw, We Marched

2011-04-17T09:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we walked in our third March For Babies sponsored by the March of Dimes. As many of you know, we've been raising money for the past three months for this event and I'm so pleased (and in shock) to say that, as a team, we raised over $10,000!!!

This is one of the special days throughout the year that is "set aside" to remember Nash... all that he was and all that he still is to so many. We had forty people there with us yesterday in Dallas to walk five miles in memory of our sweet boy. That, in itself, means so much more than I can possibly write. Brad's mom and sister's family drove in from Kansas City. In addition, my parents, our coworkers, friends, old coworkers, and even some parents of our friends walked right there beside us.

It really is symbolic to have all these people rally around us on such an important day. This is the way it has been since that horrible July day. Never once has anyone faltered. In fact, we have been overwhelmed by the arms of those who catch us when we fall. So really, I'm not surprised that we had so much support and love with us yesterday. I never would expect it, but I'm not surprised...

Thank you to all who supported this amazing day with your generous donations. And thank you to all of you who walked with us. We love you and are so blessed to have you in our lives.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Escape Artist

2011-04-03T20:12:00.000-05:00

Ever since we had kids, our poor dog, McCarney, has been what some would call "neglected." She's a sweet, sweet dog... but gets in trouble daily for barking when the kids are sleeping or for eating something that belongs to one of them... not food... I mean toys, socks, underwear, etc.

But I think yesterday, she did something that warranted a special post just about her...

The boys and I went on a walk around 9am. It was Brad's morning to sleep in, so he was still in bed. When we were done and coming up the driveway, our nextdoor neighbor stopped us and said she was pretty sure that our dog got out. HUH???

As were raced in through the back fence we noticed this...

We were rushing inside to get Brad up and to start searching the neighborhood, when McCarney came zooming out the doggy door that leads to our backyard. HUH???

We were so confused... We went inside and I listened to a message on the answering machine. It was a neighbor down the street, who said her son found our dog and helped her get back in the house. She said to call if I had any questions. I quickly dialed her number. Of course I thanked her over and over again for getting our dog back home. After our conversation, here's what we're pretty sure happened:

McCarney was sitting in her usual post, looking out the office window (which is only 8 inches above the ground). She must've saw something that got her excited (my guess would be a squirrel). She jumped up on the screen - because the window was wide open - and POP! The screen popped out. She jumped - or fell - through the window and ended up outside and free as a bird.

Then she panicked and found her way to the back of the house where the gate to our fence is. This is where she went to town, trying to claw her way in. When she realized that wasn't going to work, she headed back to the front, where the neighbor's son saw her. He asked our nextdoor neighbor if she knew whose dog it was, and the neighbor told him it was ours.

The boy knocked on the door, but no one answered (no, Brad didn't get up when he heard the door). This is when the boy noticed the screen was punched out of the front window. He took McCarney home with him. His mom called and left us a message and then he and his dad brought her back to our house. They had her jump back through the window and shut the window from the outside, leaving McCarney safe and sound in our house.

PHEW!!!

Can you believe that?! What a crazy story! And poor McCarney was probably terrified. We're all just so relieved to have her back. I would be sick if she were still out there somewhere. Thank goodness for sweet neighbors and a lot of good luck!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

1004

2011-03-31T18:07:00.001-05:00

I feel like a bad mom.

Lately I've been thinking about how long Nash has been gone. It seems like forever and yesterday all at the same time. Then I got to wondering if it had been 1000 days yet... something about this seems like a big deal to me. After a quick calculation, I figured that the day would fall a couple months after the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death, which was in January of this year. Recently I've found that every couple of days I'd think of it, and put it off, figuring I've still got awhile before I need to figure it out exactly.

But I was wrong. I missed it. I'm four days late.

1004 days. Today is 1004 days since my baby went to heaven. 1004 days.

How many kisses have I missed? How many smiles? How many belly laughs? How many fights with his brothers? How many nights of rocking him to sleep? How many bedtime stories? How many bumps and bruises and bloody lips? How many bathtimes? How many "I love yous."

Too many. Way, way too many. 1004 days is way too long for a mommy to be without her baby.

I'm missing him so much while I write this. My heart feels heavy and full of pain. I don't know what it is about getting to that 1000 day mark. Maybe it's that it seems like such a great feat... to make it this far. And yet, this isn't the end... I didn't get to the finish line of my grief. This 1004 days is going to turn into 2004 days and then 3004 days... This mountain seems so, so far to climb sometimes. God give me the strength.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Family Pics 2011

2011-03-24T19:15:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, we had our family pictures taken. The last time we had them done was when I was about seven months pregnant with Knox. We... or I... decided it was time to do it again. It was a cool, windy day, but the photographer did a fantastic job and really got some good shots... which, as anyone with kiddo knows, isn't always easy.

Here's some of my favorites...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Spring Break... Brrrrrrrr!!!

2011-03-15T18:35:00.001-05:00

My mom, Tate, Knox, and I headed to Chicago on Saturday to visit family for the first couple days of our Spring Break. My dad met us because he was already there on business. It worked out so great!

My brother and his girlfriend, Kara, drove up from St. Louis. My grandma and her husband met us there as well (they live in a neighboring suburb). Plus, my mom's brother and his family drove from Indiana to hang out with us on Saturday and Sunday - this included my three cousins which I haven't seen in at least three years or so. My youngest cousin, Ian, even flew in from Yuma, Arizona (he's in the Marines) and surprised us because he heard we were all getting together. My grandma was beyond thrilled to have all her grandchildren together - plus Tate and Knox!

Grandma with all her grandbabies...Ian (front), Eric, Kara, Trent, Tate, Ann, Knox, Me

The Cousins

On Sunday afternoon, we drove about an hour from Chicago to Indiana, where my dad's brother lives. We spent the next two nights there with my aunt and uncle. It was so nice just catching up and hanging out.

Aunt Mary Jo and Knox reading Good Night Moon

Tate drinking his first ever cup of hot cocoa after playing baseball in the backyard in thirty degree weather.

Aunt MJ and Uncle Terry with me and the boys

All in all, we had a fantastic trip. The boys couldn't have been better behaved... they felt right at home with everyone we saw and played their hearts out. I was so proud of them for being little troopers. I will admit that Knox had a complete breakdown on the plane this afternoon on the way home - which almost led to my complete breakdown as well. But other than that, what a great - albeit cold - Spring Break!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Soooooo.....

2011-03-09T19:03:00.000-06:00

Check out this video to learn the latest Sievers family scoop!!!

Click Here!!!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Monster Trucks and Scraped Noses

2011-03-03T18:27:00.000-06:00

It seems like I'm getting worse and worse about writing posts lately. So I'll do a quick update with a couple highlights from the last week or so...

Over the weekend, Brad and Tate went with some friends to Monster Jam - a Monster Truck show that they first went to last year. Since then, Tate watches old replays of the trucks that are on the Speed Channel or youtube. He is quite obsessed and knows not only every truck, but also who drives each one. It's actually pretty impressive. At one point he was so in to it he wouldn't answer to "Tate" because he said his name was actually "Tom Meents," the driver of his favorite truck, Maximum Destruction. Not only were we supposed to call him that, but he would tell strangers that was his name when introducing himself. A little weird, I know.

He's since past that stage, but is still very in to his trucks. He watches episodes nearly every morning when he wakes up (who needs Disney Channel?) and plays with the enormous amount of trucks he has collected - building ramps and racing them or having them do "freestyle".

Needless to say, Brad and Tate both really enjoyed themselves. Tate was on cloud nine as he told me all about his day. The highlight for him was before the show when they got to walk around the course and take pictures with the trucks. Tate got to meet his idol, Tom Meents, in person. They took a picture together and Tom signed Tate's shirt. Brad said when their turn was over, Tate gave him a HUGE hug and told him "Sank you" in his sweetest voice. Brad said Tom smiled and said, "No, thank you!" So sweet!

Getting his shirt signed.

Tate and his two best buddies... Kade and Tom Meents!

On a totally different note, we played at the park yesterday and poor little Knox fell right as we were leaving. His did a huge faceplant in the woodchips, came up screaming, and ended up with a cute little scrape across his entire nose. Poor baby!!! I guess I should mention that in three days we're taking our family pictures... should be some memorable pics.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Shortest Blog Ever

2011-02-24T19:13:00.000-06:00

"I cut my finger on a sharp booger."

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Sweet Tater

2011-02-19T19:53:00.000-06:00

Like most moms, I swear I could write a blog everyday about the funny things Tate says. There's never a dull moment around here...

First off, let me give you a little background information... For the last three or four days, we've been noticing a terrible smell coming from somewhere upstairs. When I say "terrible," I mean the worst smell I've ever smelled. We thought through every possible explanation we could think of - a hidden dirty diaper, a lost milk cup, McCarney having an accident, dirty, dirty socks. Brad checked the attic twice for dead animals. This morning he even steam-vacced the entire upstairs... but to no avail. The stench was just getting stronger. By this afternoon, we were getting desperate, so Brad headed to the attic again to rummage around right above the spot where it smelled the worst. And what do you know? After lifting up an air duct, he found the culprit!!! A BIG, fat, disgusting, dead rat! AHHHH!!!!!

Brad put the rat in a Target sack and took it outside. At this point, Tate broke down into tears, saying he was so sad becaue the rat died. He said, "I never even got to hold it. And I really wanted to get my picture taken with him." HUH? He was literally in tears on my lap, sobbing about his "friend." I had to reassure him over and over again that the rat was already in heaven having a great time. This finally cheered him up enough to wipe his tears and get back to playing with his Monster Trucks.

Then tonight while eating a gourmet dinner or frozen pizza, leftover Taco Bueno, and Easy Mac, Brad was saying telling Tate how he and Knox were gonna have a lot of girlfriends when they got older because they are so cute. Tate told Brad how he didn't want any girlfriends because "mommy is the only girl that I like." Brad told him that someday he would find a girl that he really loved to which Tate replied, "Well I'll just punch that girl in the face." Okay... We told him that wasn't very nice to say. So he amended it a little by saying, "I'll just toot in that girl's face." Wow... what a lucky lady.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Little Man Walking

2011-02-13T12:48:00.001-06:00

Well, I think it's official... Knox is walking!!! A couple days after he turned one, he started taking a few steps here and there. Then gradually over the last two weeks or so, he's been getting braver and taking more and more steps at a time. Today, I watched him walk the length of our family room - what a little man!

Here's a little glimpse into Knox's newest feat... Please excuse the lack of clothing on both boys... What can I say? That's how we roll in our house!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

A Day at the Capitol

2011-02-09T13:40:00.001-06:00

On the gentle urging and encouragement of a dear friend, I headed to Austin early yesterday morning with about 50 other March of Dimes volunteers to lobby the State Representatives and Senators for continued support of issues impacting our tiniest Texans.

In small groups, we had fifteen minute appointments with various Reps/Senators (or their aides), where we explained three main programs already in effect in Texas. We then asked them to continue funding these programs when they vote later this year.
At each meeting, I made sure to explain my personal connection to the March of Dimes and why it is so important to me that all babies are born healthy. I introduced them to Nash, by briefly telling them his story and then connected it to the Texas Birth Defects Registry, which monitors and keeps track of babies born with birth defects in this state. That information is then studied and monitored to discover any patterns in defects across the state, to help families dealing with infants born with defects, and to do further research.

One of my appointments was with an aid of Senator Shapiro, who actually lives here in Plano. This gave us an instant connection. She asked me specific questions about Nash and seemed genuinely interested and concerned about what we had to say, as did the other people we met with.

I have to admit that I was VERY leary about going to lobby. After all, I was by myself, put with a bunch of people I didn't know, had never done ANYTHING like this before, and let's face it, "lobbying" isn't something that I ever thought I would be able to do...But I can't tell you how proud I am that I did it.

To calm my nerves, I just kept telling myself that this was my opportunity to introduce people to Nash. And by telling them our story, I am very confident that they were impacted in one way or another. When they left their offices yesterday, and I'm willing to bet that at some point, their minds drifted to the picture I showed them of Nash's sweet face.

The long bus ride home felt like such a huge relief. I just kept thinking, "I did it. I did it. I did it for Nash." I hope I made him proud.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Happy Birthday, Knox!

2011-02-02T09:21:00.001-06:00

Yesterday Knox officially turned one!!! And to top it off, Dallas was hit with the terrible storm that has been pummeling much of our country, so Brad and I both had the day off to spend with our little boys. (We both have today off too!) Let's face it, it doesn't take much to shut down all of DFW - an inch of ice and we're stuck at home until it clears. Nice.

We had Knox's bday party on Saturday and lots of friends came over to help us celebrate. Knox obviously had no clue as to what all the fuss was about, he was just happy that he got to eat a bunch of cake!

Mmmmmmm....... cake!

Cool new toy to ride on during walks!

New chair from Gma and Gpa... just like big brother's

Here's a quick run-down of our one year old:

LOVES:

Cuddling

Tate

Pizza

Grilled Cheese

Rolling a ball and then chasing it

His binkie

His blankie

Monster Trucks

Laying on McCarney

Climbing the stairs

DISLIKES:

Being told "no" (sticks his lip out and pouts)

Balloons (screams if they get too close)

Sharing (yells while hitting his leg with one hand and head with the other... I really gotta get that on video)

Drinking out of a sippy cup (pushes it out of his face if I offer it to him)

Knox has proven time and time again what a sweet, sweet boy he is... a perfect fit to our family.

Dear Knox,

I can't believe that one year ago we first met... I remember it so clearly. Love at first sight. I thought to myself, "What did I do to deserve such a perfect little soul?" And here we are, one year later, and I still am in awe that God thought I was good enough to be your mommy.

You have taught me so many things... I can do almost anything using only one hand. I can change a diaper in five seconds flat. I understand your "baby talk"... most of the time. Because of you and your brothers, I know what it feels like to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. But most of all, Knox, you showed me the true meaning of hope. When you came into our lives, we had experienced the worst that life has to offer. And then you came along. And with you, you brought us hope. It would be foolish to say that you made all of our anguish over Nash disappear. After all, that's not your job. And, that task is not one that anyone or anything can accomplish. But when you were born, you showed us that our family can grow and move forward, making happy memories on this new path that God set us on. You gave us the most amazing gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am thankful every minute that I am your mommy. You make me smile and laugh and cry happy tears. The love I have for you is beyond all measures. God bless you today, tomorrow, and always.

I love you,

Mommy

Life with a Four and a HALF Year Old

2011-01-21T19:30:00.000-06:00

I thought tonight I would share some insight into what it's like to be the mother of a little boy who is officially four and a HALF! Here's a little glimpse into my afternoon.

Tate LOVES Monster Trucks and got a Monster Jam Play Station game for Christmas. When I got home from school, he asked to play it for a little bit so I set the timer and let him go for it. Here's how it went...

After that, we were talking about how his day at school was and he told me his friend, Michael, was sick today. Here's the conversation that followed:

Me: "What does Michael have?"

Tate: "He's thermometing."

Me: "He's vomiting?"

Tate: "Yep, he's frowin' up."

Brad and I took the boys to TGIFridays for dinner tonight. As we were walking out the door, Tate asked if he could bring a Pop Tart to eat on the way. I told him no because we were about to eat supper. So he suggested I put it in my purse so he could eat it after he was done. In order to get out the door, I agreed and stuffed it in. And wouldn't you know it... as soon as his pizza and mandarin oranges were gone, he asked for that dang Pop Tart. I handed it over and he sat there and ate it while we finished up our meal.

That's pretty much a typical afternoon with my sweet Tater. Gotta love him.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Round Three

2011-01-18T15:57:00.001-06:00

Here we go again!!! In a couple months, we will be walking for the third year in the March For Babies sponsored by March of Dimes. The money raised will go to this amazing organization whose goal it is to ensure that all babies are born healthy. With their help, families could be saved from walking the same path that my family has had to endure over the past two and a half years.

In the past, I have been a member of a much larger team. Their team captain took me under her wing and has shown me the ropes for the past two years. So this year, I'm venturing out on my own to try to do this with my own team. Our team name is "Heart's Content"... now that Nash is whole and healthy in the kingdom of heaven, I know that his once broken and sick heart is completely content. My personal goal is to raise $2000 and the goal for my team is to raise $4000. That seems like soooo much, but I'm praying that with lots of help and hard work, we can meet it.

I realize that everyone has a lot going on in their lives, but if any of you could go to the link on my blog and donate to this more than worthy cause I would be grateful. Each year, I look at this March as being a way to show Nash not only how much he is loved, but how much he affected this world in the short amount of time that he was here.

Every single dollar truly makes a difference. Many of you donate to some type of charity each year, so why not have the March of Dimes be it for you? If you have friends or family members that you feel would be proud to be a part of my fundraising campaign this year, please please encourage them to visit the website.

It is a bit of an awkward thing to ask people for money. But, this is the one time every year that I try not to worry about asking for what I really want. This is something I do for a little boy that touched my heart in more ways than I can express. This is something I do for a little boy that left this world much, much too soon for his mommy's liking. This is something I do for MY little boy... to make him proud of his mama as I keep trudging along.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Three Year Olds

2011-01-15T09:24:00.000-06:00

It's a dreary day in Dallas today. Lots of clouds to match my mood. I'm not overly depressed, just a deep feeling of bittersweet. Bittersweet because this day is such a day to be celebrated and yet a day that makes me miss my little boy so very much.

Nash would have turned three years old today... January 15th... One of the best days of my life. I find myself wondering what type of little boy he would be if he were here. Would he be funny or serious? Would he be confident or timid? Would he be loud or quiet? Would he be potty trained yet? Would he love baseball as much as Tate? Would he know how to write his name? So many questions and yet none of them have answers.

We've decided to do things today to remember Nash and to celebrate his short, but meaningful life. This morning we will head over to the memorial bench at my school to decorate it with balloons. Then we're planning on going to Chuck E. Cheese's because I'm sure he would have loved that place as much as his brothers do. This evening our church's Mass is in memory of him, so we'll head over to that.

But in the midst of all of the activity today, my biggest goal is to just remember my son. I pray for lots of clear images of his sweet face. I pray for wonderful memories to play through my mind. I pray for more smiles than tears.

Some of you who read this had met Nash, though most of you had not. If you feel up to it, please feel free to meet him by clicking here.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Brrrr....

2011-01-09T17:55:00.000-06:00

This afternoon, all of North Texas was blanketed with a couple inches of beautiful snow. Tate was quite excited to get outside and start playing in his very own Winter Wonderland. He told me the plan was to get a snowman built and then have a snowball fight, while doing a few snow angels here and there.

We attempted a snowman, but between the non-packing snow and our knit gloves, we didn't have much luck... Tate didn't seem that disappointed though... He named the little bitty pitiful snowman, "Friend." Okay, okay, okay... so he's pretty pathetic. But my son is a Texan, remember? To him, it was awesome!

Tate and "Friend"

Snow Angels

Next we attempted a snowball fight, but again had little luck. I ended up just letting Tate throw handfuls of snow at me, which pretty much disintegrated as it left his hand. Again, it didn't seem to matter and he was quite pleased with himself.

Love that smile!

Check out this short video of a sweet little boy from Texas enjoying the thrills of winter...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

A New Year

2011-01-01T13:29:00.000-06:00

I think it's safe to say that we all go into a new year with hopes of making positive changes in our lives. We want to be better at one thing or another. Maybe it's physical or mental. Maybe it's within our relationships. Maybe it's something life-altering and maybe it isn't. But the new year represents a fresh start to all of us and what we do with that is up to us.

For the past three New Year's, I've had very mixed emotions as we "celebrate" the passing of another year. January 1st has a different meaning for me. This is the day that marks the exact half way point of the anniversary of Nash's death. So today it's been two and a half years that he's been gone. Amazing. Two and half years. That's like 900 some days without my baby.

This particular day is also difficult because it's such a reminder of how long it's been since I've held my little boy. This is yet ANOTHER year that he won't ever see... that I won't ever share with him... I remember wanting it to stay 2008 forever. Even though it was the worst year of my life, for five and a half months, it was the best. And if I could have just stayed in that year, maybe it wouldn't seem so long that Nash had been gone.

All of that said, I am thankful for this New Year. I'm grateful that I have Brad, Tate, and Knox to share it with. So that's what I hold onto, I guess. When I think about that awful July day that my life literally turned upside-down, I have to stop and be thankful for how far we have come since then. My heart is scarred - it's been beaten, broken, and shattered. But I'm learning, ever so slowly, how to keep living. I truly believe my heart will never be entirely whole again, but I have faith that I will continue to find new happinesses in the days ahead.

Hope you have a blessed 2011!
Love to y'all,
Tracy

Christmas in Iowa... and Texas

2010-12-29T22:06:00.002-06:00

We're finally back home after our "vacation" to Iowa. Everyone seems pretty much back to normal after all that sickness last week. Not only did our family get the stomach bug, but Brad's mom, dad, brother, a couple aunts, uncles, and cousins got it too! Pretty powerful stuff! YUCK!

It was really unfortunate that we didn't get to spend the little time we had in Iowa doing fun things, instead of being holed up in the house in our jammies. Brad's mom, sister, and I didn't get our pedicures or get to eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant - which is always a tradition any time we're up there. Yeah, yeah, I know what y'all are thinking... "Really, you go to Iowa to have Mexican food?!" I swear, the place is really good. No joke.

Even with the sicknesses, Brad and I got to spend some time at the cemetery, which is really important to us. Nash's grave looked beautiful. My mother-in-law takes such good care of it. It was so sweet to watch Tate as he stared at the little marker. He told Nash he loved him and blew him lots of kisses each time we went. It's a very bittersweet thing to witness as a mother.

We're so thankful for a safe trip. Both the boys were troopers, despite being sick and away from home. So I'm glad to be back... I think my blood has officially turned "Texan." I can't stand being cold!!! And to all those mommies up north, I am in awe at what you go through everyday to get your kids out of the house when the weather is so freakin' cold. God bless you!!!

Hope all your Christmases were merry.
Love to y'all,
Tracy

Poor Knox with his IV shunt... We had to keep it in for 24 hours in case he needed another round of fluids.

The Best of Buddies - Tate and Cade

Uncle Steven and Knox

The Sievers Family

Soooooo excited about their new football uniforms!!!

Mommy and Tate at church on Christmas Eve

The Cousins... Knox, Tate, Cade, Jensen, Colton

Me and My Boys

Christmas Eve is tiring for a little guy!

Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa Smith

"Throw Up is Kinda Like Poop"

2010-12-23T21:57:00.000-06:00

We've been in Iowa for the past four days and ALL of us have been sick!!! It started with Knox throwing up on Monday morning. We took him in and found out he had a small ear infection and a stomach virus. Needless to say, it was really rough and he had a really hard time. He ended up getting a little too dehydrated and ended up in the ER on Tuesday to get an IV and some intravenus antibiotic. Poor baby! He had us all pretty worried.

Then as Knox started taking a good turn, Tate was up all night on Tuesday, throwing up. When he got done tossing his cookies for the first time, he looked in the toilet and informed me that, "Throw up is kinda like poop." Nice. By yesterday, Brad and his mom had gotten it and then last night I was lucky enough to join the club.

So we've had an "interesting" vacation so far to say the least. It's been ANYTHING but relaxing. And we didn't get to do half the stuff we were planning on doing. Hopefully we're all out of the woods now and that no one else gets it.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Candles for Nash

2010-12-12T15:25:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, tonight is the annual Worldwide Candle Lighting created by the support group that I attend (The Compassionate Friends). At 7pm local time, people around the world will be lighting candles for all children who have died at any age and from any cause. We are asking for anyone who reads this to please light a candle in memory and in honor of our baby, Nash, tonight at 7:00.

The "wave" of light that Nash will witness from heaven as each time zone lights their candles, will be the most beautiful light, I'm sure. And I know that he will be smiling down, as he watches everything unfold. I pray that in each of the lights that are lit for him, that Nash sees just how important he was and still is to this world. I pray that he can see with his own big blue eyes the impact he has had on so many people.

Thank you all for participating. We are blessed to have each and every one of you by our side on this journey.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Christmas is in the Air!

2010-12-05T15:50:00.000-06:00

The past few days have been quite the reminder that Christmas will be here before we know it! On Thursday night, Tate had his Christmas Program at preschool. Last year, he literally laid down behind the girls he was supposed to stand next to and didn't sing one word of any of the songs. So I just prayed that he would at least stand up this year. But my worries were put to rest when he stood there, sweet as could be, and sang all the songs just like he had practiced. Phew! (Notice the kid in the far left of the picture... HA!)

My brother, Trent, came in town on Friday for a visit since he can't get the time off work during Christmas. So yesterday, the boys and I helped my mom and dad decorate their tree. Then last night, we all ventured out to ride on the Polar Express. They had a tent set up, where we all sang Christmas carols. Then everyone went outside to board a real train. Tate was so excited to see the snow they had blowing... he was trying to catch the snowflakes on his tongue. We rode the train as more Christmas music played and the conductor came around and punched our tickets just like in the movie. Then Santa showed up and shook all the kids' hands. Tate was thrilled with the whole experience and Knox just sat there wide-eyed, trying to take it all in.

This afternoon, my mom, Trent, Tate, and I went to the Galleria in Dallas and went ice skating around the HUGE tree. Tate did pretty well, considering he'd never set foot in ice skates before. Each time around, his confidence grew more and more. By the time we were finished, he told me, "See, I told you I could ice skate."

I can't believe we leave for Iowa in less than two weeks! We are all so excited to see Brad's family and celebrate Jesus' birth together!

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Giving Thanks

2010-11-25T20:03:00.000-06:00

Here's my list of things to be thankful for this year:
1. Family
2. Yellow Balloons
3. A good night's sleep
4. Starbucks (for when I don't get #3)
5. True Friends

I asked Tate what he was most thankful for before I put him to bed, Here's what he said (verbatum):
1. Knox
2. Blankie
3. Mom and Dad
4. Grandma and Grandpa

So sweet... but notice the order. Hmmmm.

I'm sure Brad's list would go something like this:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Softball
4. Lunches at Twin Peaks
5. Dinners at Twin Peaks

And Knox's list would be as follows:
1. Tate
2. Binkies
3. Trucks
4. Meatballs
5. Handy Manny

But seriously, we all know this is the time of year that it's important to reflect on how blessed we are. I am blown away everyday at how much God has given me. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

A Whirlwind Weekend

2010-11-21T20:29:00.000-06:00

Brad and I had a wedding to go to in Des Moines this weekend. Since it's ridiculously expensive to fly there, we flew in to Kansas City to see his sister's family for a night and then drove the three hours to Des Moines Saturday morning. Let me just say that it was the fastest-paced weekend we've had in awhile... Here's a quick run-down of how it went:

Leave work early to get to DFW Airport... Brad gets stopped while going through security for having a bullet (yes, a BULLET!) in his coat pocket... Waiting for luggage in KC and Brad realizes he forgot his suit back on the airplane (we were able to get it back)... Meet our niece, Jensen, for the first time (sweet, sweet baby)... Get in limo so we can go out for a night on the town to celebrate brother-in-law's 30th bday... Bar hop... Two step at a nice little honky tonk in KC... Get home around 3am... Sleep for four hours... Drive to Des Moines... Wedding at 1pm... Reception with a bunch of Brad's frat buddies (lots of college stories being told)... Out to the bar after the reception wraps up... Back to hotel... Up at 7:30am... Back to KC... Fly home...Get to the truck... Brad forgets his suit on the plane AGAIN and has to go back through security to get it (no joke!)...Back home safe and sound with our boys. PHEW!!!

Me and Colton

Cade

Brad and Baby Jensen

First stop on our adventure!

Taking a break from two-stepping.

Phi Delts

Love to y'all,
Tracy

I Didn't Know That...

2010-11-18T18:58:00.000-06:00

Today Tate enlightened us a little bit with a conversation he had with my mom over lunch. Lately, he's been complaining about having to drink milk. The other day he told Brad and I that he was allergic to it, so he shouldn't drink it. Then today, he was trying to get out of drinking it again. The conversation went something like this...

My mom: "Tate, you need to drink your milk. Daddy loves milk. Uncle T loves milk. Even Santa loves milk."

Tate: "Well Jesus doesn't."

Hmmm....

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Bad Guys!

2010-11-14T17:50:00.000-06:00

Tate has always loved playing "superheroes." He dresses up in costumes and pretends to be Spiderman, Power Rangers, or Batman on a regular basis. But lately, he's been pretending to be a "Bad Guy." This usually entails him using various parts of different costumes and then running around the house looking for "good guys" to get. (I'm pretty sure he got this from when Brad dressed up as a convict for Halloween and I explained it to Tate as Daddy pretending to be a "bad guy.")

So tonight, he's playing bad guys again... I heard him yelling at the good guys. Here's what he said:
"Hocus pocus.
Green beans.
Let my power
Turn you into electricity!!!"

No clue where that came from.... I wonder if it worked.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Favorites of a Boy Mom

2010-11-07T17:26:00.000-06:00

It's just a lazy Sunday afternoon... Brad's been gone all day at Texas Motor Speedway watching some Nascar thing, so the boys and I have spent the day together. I felt like I should write something, but don't have tons to say tonight. Weird.

Sitting here, I'm surrounded by reminders of the unrivaled amounts of testosterone in this house. And I have to say, I relish it all...

A four year old in a black Power Rangers costume, a cape, and a knight's helmet running around, yelling at pretend bad guys as he saves the world... a little toe-head in a diaper banging the blinds next to the front door... a black Little Tykes truck to my left... football on the TV upstairs... "No, Tate, I haven't seen your light saber"... Monster Trucks under my feet... baseballs, footballs, soccer balls, basketballs, golf balls in every room of the house... pizza for dinner... a Camero Repair Manuel on the desk next to the computer... dirty fingernails... socks in the middle of the floor... T-shirts with sports logos on them in size XL, 5T, and 12 months in my washing machine... a Ford truck in the garage... and toothless smiles of all three of my little ones decorating the walls...

So much to be thankful for.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Happy Halloween, Y'all!

2010-10-31T21:22:00.000-05:00

Growing up in Wisconsin, Chicago, and Iowa, I can't remember many Halloweens that my carefully thought-out costume wasn't covered up by a winter coat... Well, let's just say, I don't think my kids will run into that problem while living down here in the Lone Star State. When our car thermometer read 86 degrees at 5pm, I was worried my boys would get too hot in their long-sleeved costumes! Crazy, huh?

Enjoy the pics of our little monkey and our tough Wolverine!

Happy Halloween!
Tracy

What a Weekend!

2010-10-23T19:03:00.001-05:00

We began the weekend cheering on our Texas Rangers as they beat the Yankees in game 6 of the American League Championship on Friday night.

Rangers Win the Pennant!!!

GO RANGERS!!!

And to top it off, this afternoon our very own Iowa State beat #19 Texas in Austin!!! Gotta love it!

Proud to be a Cyclone!

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Unexpected

2010-10-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

Today at school, I was using a computer program to create something that told about my family. Naturally, I listed my boys' names... Tate, Nash, Knox. Then I was inserting videos or pictures of them. I didn't have any pics of Nash saved on my school computer, so I "googled" his name, thinking I would know what I'd see... his obituary or program from his funeral. But I also knew there would be a great picture of him as well. So I prepared myself and started typing. The list that came up was what I had anticipated plus one more thing that I hadn't...

A blog post from the pastor that did Nash's funeral. It was the exact sermon that he preached to us on July 5, 2008 - the day we said our final goodbyes and laid my baby boy to rest.

I found myself reading and rereading it over and over again... I remembered some of it so very clearly and other parts I felt as if I'd never even heard. By the end of it, tears were streaming down my face, as I was suddenly back to the searing pain of that day.

One portion of the sermon really stood out to me. Reading it again now makes me well up. But it also gives me great hope and so much faith that Nash is where he is supposed to be...

"Just as Jesus rebuked his disciples, saying, 'Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them...,' so He said to you, Tracy and Brad, on July 1st, 'Let lettle Nash come to me and do not hinder him. I have prepared a playroom for him in heaven. I have died and risen again for Nash, it is time for him to receive his crown of glory. The time is right. The time is perfect.'

Today, Nash Adam Sievers is crawling all over heaven. He is playing patty cake with angels. Nash is being cuddled by his great grandmas. Today he plays peek-a-boo with his great grandpas. The heavenly chorus is singing him lullabies. There is no tear in his eyes but only smiles and laughter... forever. Just as the Lord Jesus would take up the little children into his arms and cradle them, so Nash is being held by His Savior and tenderly caressed by the Savior who died for him... the Savior who bore the name "Nash Adam Sievers" inscribed upon His hands right near the place where the nails were driven in."

Wow. So beautiful.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Questions From a Big Brother

2010-10-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

I've known that Tate would be affected by Nash's death differently as time went on. Although he couldn't articulate it, he grieved for his baby brother in the first weeks following his death. It was in July 2008 that Tate became suddenly attached to his green blankie... the one he still carries around over two years later.

Over the years, Tate talks about Nash a lot. He knows he's in heaven. He knows he's with God and Jesus. He has asked when we'll get to see him again. I know he doesn't understand all of this quite yet... I mean, do any of us, really? So I've always given him the best answers that I could come up with.

Last night, as I was tucking him into bed, we were saying prayers. We always thank God for taking care of Nash in heaven. It was at this point that Tate began asking me questions. "But where is heaven?" "How far is it?" And the list continued. He then asked me why some people have to go to heaven. So I said, "People go to heaven when they die." And then came the question that is so innocent and so simple, but hurt so much to hear him ask... "Did Nash die?"

As much as we've talked about Nash and where he is, I don't know if I've ever said those words to him. "Nash died." Just typing them seems strange and uncomfortable. It was so difficult for me to answer him. He asked me how he died and I told him it was because his heart didn't work the way it was supposed to. He seemed to understand this as best he could.

As we talked, Tate got a little teary-eyed, saying he missed Nash. So I just reassured him that someday we'd all be with him again in heaven. But instead of comforting him, these words made him get more emotional because he said he "wanted to stay here at our house."

It's just such a hard thing to explain to a four year old. Most kids his age just accept heaven as a place where God is and leave it as that. But Tate has true questions about it... the same ones that we all do. And unfortunately, all I can do is try my best to explain something that I don't even quite understand.

I know Tate will continue to question his brother's death. His grief may deepen before he actually begins to heal. I just pray that I can help him along in his journey by both comforting him and honoring his baby brother.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Switch-Hitting and Fried Grilled Cheese

2010-10-03T16:04:00.001-05:00

We started off our weekend going to Tate's T-ball game on Saturday morning. Like many of you know, Tate has loved baseball since he came out of the womb. I'm sure I'm a little biased... But I happen to think he's pretty talented for a four year old. He's been hitting overhand pitches since he was two and is now at the point where he not only hits the balls over our fence, but over the driveway and into the neighbors fences as well. It's pretty impressive if you ask me. Anyway, he's always been left-handed when he bats, but since we've had do revert back to the tee for his games, we've been practicing a little on that too.

Tate has now figured out how to hit right handed as well. He can hit off his tee no problem and is also able to hit overhand pitches this way too.

So yesterday as the game was winding down, his coach reminded him it was his last at-bat and told him to hit a good one. Tate said to him, "I'm gonna hit it right handed. I know how to do this." He then proceeded to line drive it straight through the infield into center field. What a little ball player. I couldn't be prouder of him.

Check out this video...

Today, we headed to the Texas State Fair to walk around and of course try as much fried food as is humanly possible. Between us, we split homemade potato chips, a footlong hotdog, fried Twinkies, fried cheese on a stick, funnel cake, and fried grilled cheese sandwiches. Mmmmmmmm.....

Tate loved trying out all the cars in the Auto Show.

Sweet Brothers.

A long day of walking, fresh air, and fried food makes you VERY sleepy...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Funny Fish

2010-09-24T20:43:00.001-05:00

Tate always comes home from school singing a song they learned that day. Yesterday evening, he let me record him singing "Funny Fish" - a song all about words that begin with the letter F. So sweet I had to share...

Love to y'all,

Tracy

Mommy and Me Weekend

2010-09-19T18:04:00.001-05:00

Brad went on a "boy's trip" this weekend to Galveston to go fishing. He left on Thursday afternoon and gets back later tonight. So Tate, Knox, and I had a weekend just the three of us.

First off, I have to give soooo much credit to all the women that are single moms every day of the year... what a tough job! I am EXHAUSTED to say the least and can't wait for Brad to get home. I feel like he's been gone forever and has missed so much.

Knox's first tooth popped through Friday night. It's barely there, but I can feel it poking through his gum... which is why he's had two terrible nights in a row. I can't even count how many times I've trudged up and down our stairs in the last forty-eight hours.

Tate had his second BLASTball game yesterday and did so well!!! He hit great and was all over the field diving for groundballs. He was a complete mess when we got home, but he was thrilled because he was awarded the "game ball" for his hustle during the game. I couldn't have been prouder of him.

Of course I adore Tate and Knox, but I have to admit, I'm ready for a little help around here. I'm predicting I'll be in bed before nine tonight. Ahhhhh.... sleep.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Swinging in the Rain

2010-09-14T20:47:00.000-05:00

Every evening after dinner, Tate begs us to go outside to hit some baseballs. Tonight was no different. As we were clearing off the table, he was on his way to find his flipflops and batting helmet and was heading out the backdoor. I warned him that it was getting a little dark and windy outside, but he didn't seem to mind.

After all, a little rain doesn't bother a real ballplayer, now does it?
Click here to watch a little video...

After all that excitement, Brad and the boys went in the garage to watch the rain.
Check out Tate in the rain...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

BLASTball!

2010-09-11T21:20:00.002-05:00

I think today is a day that Brad has been waiting for since the moment in the hosipital when it was announced, "It's a boy!" Tate had his very first T-ball game this morning!

Their team is called, what else? The Texas Rangers. And there are only three other teams in the league. Brad and two of his friends are the coaches and two of Tate's best buddies are on the team as well. They call it BLASTball, but it's basically T-ball with a couple minor modifications to make it easier for four year olds.

Tate has been soooooo excited since Thursday when he brought home his "uniform" (T-shirt and hat). He is convinced the front says "Texas Rangers" (its says BLASTball) and is thrilled he gets to be number 5, just like his daddy. So Thursday night, he put on his shirt after his bath and wore it to bed and then kept it on for school yesterday. I know, I know... We pick our battles around here, okay? Anyway, my mom convinced him to let her wash it last night so he could wear it again today.

So how'd it go? Basically, he didn't want to field anything. Just stood there looking cute. When it was time for him to hit, he'd run out to the batter's box and swing like a little left-handed champ! He knew exactly how to drop the bat and run to first base. But he had trouble getting himself to run to second after the next kid hit the ball. He'd act all shy and not want to run. By the last inning, he finally got the guts up to run the bases, with a little coaxing from me.

Overall, all the kids did a great job! It was just so sweet to watch them out their playing like the big boys. I couldn't be a prouder mama.

Love to y'all,

Tracy

One more thing... after the game, I found Tate walking towards the other team while everyone was packing up. I asked him what he was doing. He said he was going over "to tell the green team they didn't win." Guess we're gonna have to do a little bit more teaching on the subject of sportsmanship... Oops.

Breakfast of Champions...

GO RANGERS!!!

Simple Is Never Simple

2010-09-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

We're having such a nice, relaxing Labor Day weekend. No big plans. Nowhere we have to be. Just enjoying our family. It all seems so simple.

And yet, it's in these moments that Nash's absence becomes all too apparent. Minutes ago, I was outside enjoying the beautiful September weather. Tate and I were playing a game, while Brad was cleaning out the garage. Knox is upstairs asleep. It's times like these that I can't help but wonder where Nash would fit in to all of this. Would he be bothering us while we tried to play, taking our ball and frustrating his older brother? Would he be playing on the slide, happy to be such a big boy now? Would he be sprawled on the couch with a sippy cup of juice as watched the Disney Channel in his jammies?

I don't know.

I wish I could get just a glimpse of what it would be like with all three of my little ones running around my feet. I can't even imagine the peace that would come into my heart and fill my soul. It's tough to accept that this will never be the way it is for me or for my family.

Our lives will never be simple. I do have hope that they will become less complicated as the years go by. But I know that simple will never be the way it is around here.

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Go Rough Riders!

2010-08-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

Brad and I took the boys to a Rough Riders game in Frisco tonight. Thanks for the tickets, Kelly!!! The game didn't start until 7:00 so we knew we'd be pushing it with Knox. He's usually in bed around 7:30. For a little guy who rarely makes a fuss, within a few minutes of sitting down to watch the first inning, he got upset and could NOT get himself under control. Poor baby! We thought we had him settled down once he ate his bottle...boy, was that wishful thinking! By the middle of the fifth inning, we were packing up and heading home.

Despite, his little brother, Tate had a BLAST and was cheering on all the players as he devoured TWO hotdogs, some peanuts, and waaaay too much 7-Up... Maybe that was why he was having so many gas problems once we got home. (Mommy, I tooted FOUR times in the tub!!!)

After our adventure, it feels nice to have a little down time on the couch with our sweet boys safely in their beds, dreaming of homeruns, I'm sure...

Love to y'all,
Tracy

School Days

2010-08-16T20:52:00.000-05:00

My sweet four year went back to school today. I was so, so sad that I couldn't be there to take him because it was also my first day back at school. But Brad got to do the honors, so I'm happy about that.

I will say that this is most likely the only day this year, where my son will be in a polo and khakis... most days I'm sure it'll be Adidas shorts and T-shirts. What can I say... that's just the way we roll! Actually, he wanted to wear a "muscle shirt" today, but we convinced him otherwise. See, this family has standards!!!

Best story for the first day of school? It happened over dinner and goes something like this:
Me: "What are some of your new friends' names?"
Tate: "Michael. And Taylor."
Me: "Drink your milk. Is Taylor a boy or a girl?"
Tate: "A girl. And there's Kaitlyn."
Me: "Oh, so she's a girl too."
Tate: "Nope. Kaitlyn's a boy."
Me: "No, I think Kaitlyn's a girl."
Tate: "No. He's a boy. Can I have more potatoes? I love butter."

Love to y'all,
Tracy

The Missing Pizza

2010-08-09T19:39:00.001-05:00

Just a fun little "Tate Story" for y'all to enjoy...

This morning, I decided I would be good and go on the eliptical for a half hour. I was on my way up the stairs with my arms full of stuff, including an 18 pound baby, and realized I'd forgotten a bottle of water. I called down to Tate, who was on his way up, and asked him to please bring me one from our fridge in the laundry room. He said sure and I continued up the stairs.

Minutes later, he came into the spare room where I had begrudgingly started my thirty minute work-out. Tate handed me the water I had asked for and continued on his way to save the world in his Spider-Man costume.

Now fast forward four hours... The boys and I went on a "fun" adventure to Hobby Lobby and Tom Thumb for groceries - I really need to get better at pushing a cart with a carrier in it and a four year old hanging on the side, putting groceries in it, and feeding a baby his bottle all at once. I really stink at that! We got home and sat down to a nice, nutrious lunch of McDonald's drive through... What? I worked out, so it's okay... right? As I was putting away groceries and eating my chicken sandwich, I remembered I had some things in the washer. I grabbed a few of the wet clothes and began throwing them into the dryer... that's when I noticed something...

Here's what I saw:

I guess the leftover pizza from supper last night (yeah, yeah, so we're not the healthiest of eaters around here lately) was in Tate's way when he went to get me water this morning. So what better place to put that pizza, than the dryer, right? Why not?

Love to y'all,
Tracy

Mustang Island

2010-08-05T14:08:00.002-05:00

We got back yesterday afternoon from our week long adventure on the beach! Overall, the boys were sooooo good... looking back, it seems a little crazy that my mom and I took on this endeavor. With Knox just turning six months old, and not being able to sit by himself, it was a bit of a challenge to keep him occupied on a beach or at the pool. But Tate and Knox were both troopers and I think all four of us had a really memorable trip...

Not-So-Favorite Memories...
1. Looooong car rides
2. Crying baby in the car
3. Hour long delays on interstate (to go THREE measley miles)
4. Road Construction
... Are you sensing a pattern here??? Let's just say the car rides weren't so fun for any of us!!!

Favorite Memories...
1. Little toes in the sand
2. Tan lines
3. Shopping for souveniers... we had to bring Daddy back a coozie, right???
4. Dairy Queen
5. Tate learning how to do cannon balls and belly flops
6. Knox's little fishing hat
7. Watching the Bachelorette Finale with Mom
8. Sunday brunch - Tate met the people at the next table and proceeded to tell them his life story... "This is my brother, Knox. It's spelled K-N-O-X... I have lots of Monster Trucks... I have two Cades - Kade Yochim and Cade Miller... I'm four... "
9. Seeing a dead fish and Tate asking, "Who shot it?"
10. Laying out by the pool while the boys napped
11. Fish Tacos
12. Tate building Monster Truck ramps in the sand
13. Knox sitting in the shallow waves of the Gulf of Mexico, and then putting a fistful of sand in his mouth
14. Walking on the boardwalk
15. Running back down the boardwalk when Tate had to pee, only to find we couldn't get through the gate because we had no key... so Tate peed over the edge of the boardwalk... Oops.

Ahhhh... there's nothing better than sweet boys and sweet memories.

Love to y'all,
Tracy